(Closed) anonymous member needs relationship advice… is it time to say goodbye?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You sound like a really wonderful person, but you are only dragging out a huge mistake.  I know that sounds harsh, but it is really true.  You have to “nag” him like a mother, he doesn’t help with the house, he is unemployed, you are spending all the money, you end up paying for gas and food, and he is doing nothing to get out of his situation. You are the one trying to fill out job applications for him, he does nothing.

Do you want to know why?  Because his situation is pretty darn comfortable.  He has all the benefits of being an “adult” without the drawbacks.  He can live on his own, do what he pleases, have a great girlfriend–all without working, taking care of the house, or even paying for his own gas.

It’s pathetic.  I’m sorry it sounds mean, but my god is it.  You need to leave this guy so he can learn some serious life skills.  This man is not mature enough for marriage and I wonder if he will ever be!  If he’s treating you like this, he must have learned that his behavior is acceptable–who was it before you that allowed him to live like this? His mother?  Probably.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he went back home after you left him so that somebody else could take care of him.

My sister was in a situation a lot like yours.  Her SO was loving and snuggly and caring, but then would ask my sis for huge payments on rent, her car, etc.  My sister lost so much money to this girl, because she thought she had a great relationship and she just had to help her when she needed it.  Well where do you think she is now?  Severl thousand dollars poorer living on her own and so much better off.

You are better than this.

Post # 18
Member
7294 posts
Busy Beekeeper

yikes, this reminds me too much of my previous relationship before my DH.  not every detail, but i think what you describe is where i was headed!  and i was SO happy when i got out and i still count my lucky i found someone like DH who is the opposite of my ex in every way.

while reading through your post, this question you asked stuck out to me:

How can I ask for more from someone?

of course you can ask for more!!!! at the very least you can ask/expect some sense of equality, some sort of meet me halfway and financial contribution!  think about it. if you weren’t dating him for, what, 6 years already, and you saw his personal ad, would you respond to it?: “no job, not really looking for one, i want someone i can live off of, i don’t like going out that much or really like being around people in general, and i like to cook alone!”

breaking up him will be hard and painful, no doubt. but it will be like a band aid. it will rip and then it will  be over and it will be off and you will  be free of the wounds.  you will feel lighter and happier.  i think you  need to read Eat Pray Love or watch the movie. i have a feeling you will be able to relate.  good luck and the best i can offer you is that in a case like this, the grass IS greener is on the other side. i have been on sides and i am SOOO happy now!  you have given this part of your life enough time, don’t think of it as a waste, but as a learning experience.  you will appreciate so many things in your next partner, he will think you are crazy! (Lol, at least that’s what happened to me!).

Post # 19
Bee
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

You’re doing a great job working through this, and I think writing it out to share here will be a big help in the process of realizing what you want and need. Not so much for the advice that people give you (because, let’s face it, it will almost always be “sever”) but because you can look at what you wrote again and again and maybe start to see that what you’re going through isn’t healthy or normal and come to the realization that you know yourself (apart from what we say) that you are ready to leave.

You’re a strong person, and you are not beholden to him. It’s no reason to stay together just because he ISN”T a bad man or because you ARE a nice person. You deserve better. This will only get worse.

If you don’t mindme asking… how long have you been together? And how long have you been “waiting”?

Post # 21
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

honey i understand what your going through and i think its really time to move on. i know its hard and its scary because after being with someone for that long you are… comfortable in that at least with him you know what to expect vs learning a new person. you deserve to be treated better than whats happening now. as my aunt once told me “you cant fix a man if he doesnt want to fix himself”. if he has no ambition then he will do nothing but stand in your way and remember dead wheait will do nothing but slow you down. you are a lot like myself in liking to give those you love things. you need to find someone who will reciprocate or at least put in the effort. for me its the theory that if i give  him what he wants then eventually he will give in return and trust me honey men like that only know how to take and take and take until you have nothing left to give and then your yesterdays news.

 

its going to hurt, your going to be scared, and your probably going to feel like the biggest a$$hole on earth but eventually it will get better. you WILL find happiness and you WILL find someone who will love you for who you are and not what you can do for them. you just have to believe that. remember that it will only suck for a little while but in the end everything will be worth it.

 

remember everything will be okay in the end, and if it isnt, then its not the end.

Post # 22
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I agree with other bees.

I am not gong to tell you to leave or kick him out, because it’s not my place. But I do want to say that I think if you are unhappy, and you have been that way for 4-6 months and you are STILL unsure of your relationship… maybe you should reconsider staying.  MAybe you are meant to be friends. Just because you love someone and they love you, doesn’t mean that you’re meant to be married. relationships surely aren’t happy all the time, but you seem to give off the impression that the bad outweighs the good… and thats not healthy. 

 

Maybe you should call a ‘break’

Some time to find yourself…. I did it… and BOY!! It showed me how much I never wanted to be without my FH.  If you break, and realize you can do better without him.. .then thats your route.

 

hope this helped

Post # 23
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

Please move him out and stop being his mother. If you can’t do this then get into counseling and find out what you’re getting from supporting someone who is lazy, selfish and self-centered. Personally I think you deserve much better. I wish you could see this. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for him. By enabling him as you do he will never grow up and become the man he could be.

Post # 24
Hostess
3571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Everyone is right, you need to leave him. I also encourage you to get counseling to help you see and end manipulative behavior. You have let someone take advantage of you for a very long time, and you obviously feel like you need to take care of someone. I used to be the same way, but years of hard work and a few lost parasites along the way, I’m a whole lot healthier now.

 

You can do it. *hugs*

Post # 25
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with what everyone has said.

Individual therapy (for you) would be a GREAT idea.  Not because you’re crazy, sick, or anything, but it’s a great place to sort through your thoughts and it will help you move toward a decision on what to do. 

Something I learned through painful personal experience – any time you find yourself in a long relationship waiting for a sign on whether to stay or go – that’s your answer.  In a healthy relationship that’s working for YOU, you wouldn’t find yourself waiting for a sign, period.

The untreated anxiety is contributing greatly to the issues in the relationship, I can tell you that 100%.  Your fights, him being weird about going places and doing things, etc.  If you continue to support him, getting him in to see a psychiatrist and getting on generic meds should be priority #1 before any kind of “fun” spending on things he wants. 

You feel guilty and conflicted about what would happen if you were to leave him – he has no one else.  It could be said that you taking care of things for him is almost enabling.  As long as you’re doing everything, he never has to grow up and be responsible.  If you kick him out, he’ll figure something out, he’s a grown man.

If you leave him (or ask him to move out), I think you’ll quickly see how little he was adding to your life, since you’re already doing all the heavy lifting (handling adult life) anyway.  Yes, he is (was) a companion, a friend, but that’s just not enough to sustain a marriage.  You deserve a man who shoulders his share of the adult burdens.  Who makes life easier for you all around, rather than being another burden on you.

Post # 26
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

I was in a relationship for 5 years just like this prior to meeting my AMAZING husband. My mom used to have a saying she would tell me when I would complain about him not moving forward in life and not wanting to talk about marriage etc. ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free’ and I think it definitely works in your case. He doesn’t have any reason to be motivated to move forward because he can count on you to pick up the broken pieces along the way. In the end I was moving forward with my life and really started resenting him for holding me back. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I did at that point in my life but I haven’t regretted it since. Especially now that I am married to someone who does do all those things I wish my ex would do. Also marriage is a lot like running a business together and if you don’t trust your business partner to do everything they can to make sure you have a viable business that grows what is the point of being in business? It needs to be a partnership with both parties contributing equally. This goes beyond money and more into an emotional support as well. This guy doesn’t seem to really respect how you feel about certain things and once you are married you are really sacrificing your personal well being and needs to accommodate his.

Post # 27
Member
5982 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

oh honey…I am so sorry you are stuck in this type of relationship. He is obviously using you to take care of him and from the sounds of your post I honestly belive he will continue this FOREVER. you CANNOT live this way..you deserve so much better. have you done a pro/con list for your relationship?  I think creating one of those will make you really open your eyes! Also, its not even the money thing…I think there is so much more to this. He is not supporting you at all…not $, not emotionally. 

I was in a similar relationship in college. But unfortunatly, it took him cheating on me (which was the biggest surprise of my life because i thought he truly adored me) for me to leave. 

You deserve to be with someone who will be your partner in life. who will support you (in many ways) and will always love you. you might think this guy adores you but honestly I think he adores your money and pitty. of course he finds you attractive but the fact that you could make a whole list of things he wanted you to change…he obviously does  not love the real you. he loves your money and pitty. I know that sounds harsh but it is what it sounds like to me.

you know that saying if you really care for someone you need to let them go? that is prefect in your case. You NEED to stop taking care of him so he can learn to take care of himself. 

Please dont waste another day or dollar on him. 

I wish you the best of luck! remember the hive is always here for you!! 🙂

oh and to address your stress about never finding someone else. this is NOT the man for you…you will find someone else. someone who adores YOU, loves YOU, and will support you. 

Post # 28
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

It’s not about the money.

He may make you feel bad and selfish for wanting more, but it’s not because you’re greedy or he’s broke. it’s because he is unwilling to put in the effort to be a full partner.

Post # 29
Member
16 posts
Newbee

You sound like you’re dating my ex-husband 🙁 It took me a lot of years and self confidence  (and him starting to get violent because he was “so stressed” – um yeah, no job, no motivation, no worries on his part. I was the one stressing over how to pay the bills, etc) to get it through my thick head that I deserve better.

Tough love time: You deserve better. And there’s someone out there who will love you the way you are. Not have a list of 50 things that YOU need to change. This may sound harsh, but the sooner you dump the dead weight, the sooner you’ll find that person.

So yeah, I know, easier said than done. I believe that once you love someone, you’ll always have love in your heart for them. I didn’t want to kick my ex out because he had no place to go. But in the end, I had to. Because trying to do what was best for him, was what the worst for me. And you know what? I’m happier, healthier and found someone who loves me for me. And…. my ex? He’s doing rather well.

Post # 30
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I’ve been lurking a bit for old time’s sake (I got married last month and WeddingBee was a great help in planning everything). I have never posted here, but your post made me come out of lurkdom.

I highly recommend a book called “Men Who Hate Women”. I was in a relationship like yours, and I found this book very helpful. The way these guys operate is to make you feel wonderful in the beginning. Then they start criticizing you, don’t contribute, etc., and you keep trying desperately to make things like they were during the wonderful beginning. They will make you feel like it’s all your fault; if only you’d do X, Y, or Z everything would be great. But you will never get what you want from these kinds of guys.

The other huge thing is that if your friends and family don’t like your guy, pay attention! You might not be on good terms with your family, but presumably you are with your friends, and they know you well and want what is best for you. 

You deserve so much better than this, and the only way you can get it is by letting this guy (or really, the dream that he will turn into what you want, as someone else said) go. Only then can the right guy come into your life.

I thought my heart would break when I broke up with my former boyfriend (after he dumped me to go back to his previous relationship, then dumped her to come back to me). All my friends and family hated him, but I thought they didn’t understand him, he needed my support, etc., etc. I was so sad after the breakup, for probably six months. I thought I would never find anyone to love again.

Last month I married someone who adores me, and who is an adult man who is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. He has many friends (male and female) and my friends and family love him. I could not be happier.

Good luck!

Post # 31
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

“I don’t know if I’m still IN love with him.

I read this line and didn’t have to read anymore. If you don’t KNOW if you aren’t ONE HUNDERED PERCENT sure then you shouldn’t be with him if marriage is what you want.

I hope this helps, good luck hun.

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