- 5 years ago
I was a fairly regular poster 2 years ago when I was planning my wedding. I’m back because of what happened at my husband’s friend’s bachelor party. I debated putting this out there, but I decided it helps to get some outside perspective. I’m sorry if this is long. Please remember that different relationships have different boundaries.
My husband and I are 30. We have been together for 7.5 years, living together officially for 5, and married for 2. We have a very solid relationship, with similar interests and goals, same sense of humor. There’s lots of love there. I trusted him without reservation. He has always been a kind and caring person. We’ve had small bumps, but our relationship and marriage was pretty damn near perfect.
From being on weddingbee I realized that the activities at bachelor parties could be a point of contention. So before our wedding I mentioned to my husband that wasn’t ok with lap dances or with strippers coming to a hotel room. I didn’t care about strip clubs in general. In fact, my husband and I have been to them together with groups when we were younger. I grew up in an area sort of known for this scene and have known dancers, so while I know what can and does go on in some of these places, I trusted my husband with it. He ended up not even going to a strip club at his party.
Last month, my husband’s friend from out of town had his bachelor party in a city about 30 mins away from our house. A lot of the guys were from out of town and got hotel rooms, and my husband split one with another friend because he would be drinking. The plan was dinner, baseball game, and then going out. I guess I assumed they might go to a strip club, but I didn’t ask and I don’t remember really even thinking about it b/c up until now, I didn’t care.
Anyway, the night of the party after midnight I get a text from my husband saying that his team lost and he is at a bar, everything is ok. I thought it was a little strange for him to text me out of nowhere, but didn’t think much of it. Then at 4am, I get a call that wakes me from a dead sleep. I hear a lot of shuffling around/movement and figure he butt dialed me. I’m about to hang up when I hear my husband say “That was a shitty 45 minutes.” Then I hear a woman’s voice. Then he repeats it, and I hear her say something like “only 25 minutes.” At this point I flip out and eventually he comes on the phone.
First he says one of the single guys brought home a girl from a bar and he was just giving her a hard time as she left. Then finally it comes out that the bachelor was in the room alone with an escort (or at least that’s the story he is sticking to). He claims that he and 4 of the other guys had paid her $200 to do a strip show for 45 minutes, but she went in the room alone with the bachelor and then left well before the 45 minutes. He said he was saying “that was a shitty 45 minutes” because she didn’t stay very long.
He was also at a strip club earlier in the night and got a topless/G-string lap dance. He finally admits after almost a week of cross examination, the stripper grinded on him and he touched her butt (obviously, it’s a lap dance). It was insulting that he made me pull it out of him.
For a while he was saying that the woman that came to the hotel was a stripper, but when she got there it was obvious she wasn’t and it was shady. He also said he was just a passive participant and just went along with it.
After 2 weeks or so, he admits that when they came back from the strip club, he made the calls and was the point person on all this. There were numerous texts and calls between my husband and the woman. All of the numbers he tried were for escort services- not strippers- they had names like “A1 Escorts” etc . He claims that they wanted a stripper and he hired the escort to strip. He says that none of the regular stripper places were answering because it was so late and they were closed.
I honestly don’t know what to believe, especially with respect to whether he was in the room or not. I’m not sure it even matters whether he was in the room because he intended to have at a minimum, an escort do a strip show (which I told him I was uncomfortable with) at best, or to have a lap dance or other sexual contact with an escort at worst. If I’m to believe his story, what ended up happening was he encouraged his friend to have sex with an escort the week before he got married. It makes me wonder what he thinks about marriage and his respect for women.
We’ve gone to 3 or 4 counseling sessions but I don’t think they are helping. I want to believe the best about him and this really is so out of character. My friends and family are shocked. No one would have thought he would do this in a million years.
But then it makes me wonder what else I don’t know about him. I’m also really jarred about the bachelor. I’ve hung out with him quite a few times and would never think he would do anything like this to his fiance. It makes me really not trust myself as a judge of character.
So I guess there are a few issues going on. I go back and forth between wanting to work on it to not being able to stand the fact that he disprespected me and repeatedly lied to me (I also asked him if he had ever been to that strip club before, he said no, and then I found out that he went to it a few months ago just him and the bachelor after a baseball game). I can’t get it out of my head that, at the end of the day, he hired a prostitute to a hotel room.
I can’t seem to let it go and keep rehashing it with him. I know it’s really unhealthy and I feel a little out of control. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, but if anyone has any advice, support, words of wisdom, I’d appreciate it.