Post # 1
I think there’s been some major miscommunication regarding the whole “child free wedding” thing with FI’s side of the family…and Fiance. Our venue has an absolute maximum capacity of 30 people. While we want an intimate gathering, our numbers go over 30 when kids are included. Therefore, we decided to not include kids and fully understand that some people won’t come because of this. But it was the best way we could think of where we could invite all of our loved ones.
On that note, SIL has 2 kids-one and three. I was with her the other day when she told me she already bought flower girl outfits for her kids for our wedding. This had me taken aback since we are having a child free wedding and not once have I said anything about flowergirls. I was a bit stunned and didn’t know what to say.
I had a chat with Fiance about it and he’s like, “yeah aren’t we inviting only those 2 kids?” I said no… our guest list is full and if everyone says yes then we’re kind of screwed (I know it is unlikely but still possible). He went through our guest list again and said “well take out these 2 people so we can have (SIL’s kids).” The 2 people he’s referring to are people I care about that live on the other side of the country that he hasn’t met yet. There is no way I would exclude them. Not to be rude, but I would rather have these 2 people in attendance than 2 toddlers who won’t remember anything. Not only that, but I don’t think it will really be appropriate for them. The ceremony is at 6pm and dinner at 730pm. There’s nothing on the property for kids and honestly I don’t think it will be the least bit enjoyable for them. But that’s my opinion.
I know I’m definitely at fault for not communicating better and making assumptions that Fiance and I were on the same page that childfree meant all kids- not just ones outside immediate family.
I’m feeling really stuck and I don’t know what to do. I would love an outsider’s perspective.
Post # 2
If your Fiance insists on the two kids then he has to cut two of his people. He’s the one who invited over the guest list without consulting you. If he can’t find two people from his side to cut then he can have the conversation with his sister that he made a mistake.
And I don’t think you are at fault here. You communicated clearly – no kids. Your fiancé made the assumptions here and just went ahead without checking with you. He is the one who didn’t communicate.
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
therollingclones : Yeah, you’re kind of hosed. If you had both been on the same page regarding no kids, that would be one thing. Since he somehow made the decision to have the kids IN the wedding, I don’t see how you can ask your SIL not to bring them without looking like the bad guy.
I think typically, children under 5 aren’t considered part of the guest count. If your venue does count them, I guess you’ll just have to hope some of your invitees can’t make it. I’d hold off on disinviting anyone. It’s super rare to get a 100% acceptance rate. So.
Post # 4
You’re not being unreasonable. I think he was completely wrong for not only inviting the kids, but also telling them they were a part of the ceremony without even consulting with you. Your fiance needs to let his sister know that he made a mistake and that her kids can’t come afterall. This is his mistake not yours and he needs to resolve it.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
Agree with kristin36890 : this is on your Fiance. You agreed on no kids and unless I’m mistaken there was no mention of exceptions during your conversation. And I’m sorry but him not only inviting kids but putting them in the wedding without saying so much as a word would be a problem for me. I say you stick with no kids as agreed and let him deal with his sister.
Post # 6
They are his sisters children, so Yes, if they are important to him it is unreasonable to exclude them.
Post # 7
We did only family children, because one of DH’s friends has 3 HORRIBLE children, who have made me cry in the past.
A month before the wedding, I was out of town and Darling Husband told a friend that ‘of course his kids and nanny could come’- um what? Darling Husband said ‘well how about only for the dancing part?’ I stood firm and said ‘no non-related kids, means no non-related kids’. Thankfully they didn’t show (because why would you have a nanny bring 3 toddlers out in Manhattan after 9pm???)
Post # 8
You agreed no kids, and he thought that meant “except them”? Not cool.
I’d have him go back to them and apologize for the oversight, but their kids are not invited. If he won’t budge on that, then a) you arent having a kid free wedding, even if its just 2, and b) he needs to get rid of 2 people on HIS side, not yours. But I’d try to get rid of the kids first if possible lol.
Post # 9
I don’t know how a miscommunication happens when it was “no kids” but your Fiance had to go as far as to tell her that they were flower girls for her to think that. I’d be annoyed, and he would have to cut two people from his guest list and if you’ve already sent out the invites then he can be the one to break the news.
Post # 10
I understand there was a miscommunication, but if it is important to Fiance that his niece and nephew be there, I would respect his wishes and invite them. There is no reason to open the floodgates to all children, however. It’s perfectly appropriate to limit to children of siblings only. Does that keep you under capacity?
Personally, though there is no right or wrong, I would prioritize a niece or nephew if it’s important to the family that they be there. IMO it’s never a good idea to start such an important relationship on the wrong foot. It’s the parents responsibility to supervise, or you can consider a sitter to take them after they make an appearance.
Future Sister-In-Law was pretty nervy to assume you were going to make her children flower girls. You are in no way obligated if they do attend.
Post # 11
I agree with a PP. If he wants two kids who won’t remember anything there, he can uninvite two of his guests.
Post # 12
Quick add, Future Sister-In-Law assumed that they would be flowergirls. Fiance did not give the go ahead.
teamroro : LOL yup, hosed is a great way to put my situation. Exactly how I feel.
weddingmaven : Unfortunately, as it stands we are at 30 adults including us, so we have no room. Everyone aside from 2 people are in our town, and although we haven’t sent invites, a lot of people know our date and stated they’re excited for it. I know this doesn’t mean 100% attendance, but it’s still a possibility.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
therollingclones : So this individual not only decided to assume her children were invited but also that they were in the wedding and went so far as to purchase dresses without any type of discussion with either of you? wth is wrong with people…this would be simple for me. A.) Tell her its adult only, your guest list is full and her kids aren’t invited bc thats the truth or B.) Decide this is no longer an adult only event, have your Fiance remove two people from his list since this is his nutty sister and invite the kids if he wants them there. I’d go with A but thats just me. Not much of a people pleaser with those that don’t know how to use common sense.
Post # 14
I agree that this is all very annoying. I would be irritated. But it would really surprise me if a 1 year old is considered a guest for the venue head count cap. Why not check with the venue (or make Fiance do it) and see if the girls count first. And if they do count, your Fiance needs to choose between them and two people from his side, not yours.
Post # 15
You might be able to add two kids without going over the 30 person maximum. A one year old and three year old are fairly small and won’t eat an adult portion. This is not really a solution to the bigger question, but if you’re stuck in all other directions, I’d call your venue and see. Ours had flexibility for small children.