Post # 1
I’m just having one of those days.
I woke up this morning and my friend who has been dating her BF for maybe two years is engaged. So that pretty much makes all my friends and family. How come I’ve been waiting 7 years now? Why couldn’t he have just asked me I dunno two years ago?!?!
I’ll do the obligatory “I’m happy for her” because I am but I’m also just jealous and a little sad. Hope everyone else is having a better waiting day.
Post # 3
Aw 🙁 That must be hard. I dated my FI for 10 years before he popped the question. Are you guys high school/college sweethearts or?
Post # 4
Sucks but you have to realize it’s nothing to do with you.
You need to discuss with your SO why you’re not engaged yet (if you haven’t already). 7 years is a really long time… does he expect you to wait forever?
Post # 5
@MaddieM: I know exactly how you feel, we’re nearly 9 years and every time I see another announcement I think “arrrrgh” and feel jealous and resentful. But it passes, every couple is different and it doesn’t mean they’re better or worse just different.
I don’t understand this fascination with rushing and ultimatums either or the “I’m not waiting forever”. Marriage is a MASSIVE commitment and deep down as long as you know you want the same thing and that realistically you will not be waiting forever then enjoy this time as a gf cos you’ll be a wife long enough 😉
Post # 6
I think you need to talk your fiancée about why there hasn’t been an engagement. I know it’s awkward, but it makes no sense to keep going year after year leaving this decision up to him without talking to him about what is important to you, and why enough time has passed for him to have made his decision about marrying you. Do you know why he hasn’t proposed?
As for all of the Facebook engagements, don’t make those events about you. You know what I mean? These couples have their timelines, and are moving at the pace that’s right for them. If all of these engagements are highlighting the fact that things aren’t progressing for you and your SO, then something needs to be done about your relationship. A talk needs to be had.
Post # 7
@MaddieM: I totally understand where your comign from. December will make 8 years SO and I have been dating. I never envied my friends who got engaged &/or married and have kids and stuff. Every friend I’ve been happy for and everyone one of them have been with their SO a whole lot shorter then I have with mine. I’ve honestly been keeping myself busy to not be thinking about it all the time. When waiting so long and seeing people who “just know” figure it out so fast it can be frustrating but everyone have their own pace and timeline. Don’t let others affect yours.
Post # 8
@Brownbear23: People say “I’m not waiting forever” and require decisions after a certain point in relationships because marriage has a lot to do with how one’s life is lived. Some people are not going to have children before marriage because they want the legalities taken care of first. Others are not content to shack up as if that is the last step in the relationship. Also, and this is a big one, the other person has said that they want to be married, but they are dragging their feet — sometimes for years. That is not acceptable for most people.
It is not about rushing, it is not about making ultimatums for petty reasons. It is about knowing what you want in life and moving toward those goals in a reasonable amount time. Why spend year after year being a GF when you want to be a wife and the other person wants you to be their wife? Just for the hell of it? Just for the sake of waiting? That doesn’t work for a lot of people.
You said yourself that marriage is MASSIVE commitment. Well, when a commitment is important to you, you don’t take all the time in the world to make it. You take the logical amount of time for you and then go forward. For many couples, waiting to marry long after the mutual realization that they are right for each other is a waste of time and completely illogical.
Post # 9
@Rhopalocera: I understand completely your points and agree with most of them.
Where I’m coming from is more of a place of wondering why we make allowances for couples who do it faster by saying they’re on their owntimeline but we somehow seem to look down on couples taking longer. As you said it’s all based on what people think is a reasonable amount of time and who are any of us to say what that is for other people?
I guess I just feel that there’s too much celebration for people who “know” and take that leap faster and not enough credit given to couples who also “know” and chose to spend more years building on that before they take the next step.
But I suppose that’s the difference either way you do it, it has to be acceptable to both people and not someone dragging their heels!
Post # 10
@Brownbear23: Of course no one can say what the right amount of time for a couple is, you’re right, but here is a look into why people think this way.
Firstly, couples who truly get married quickly get a lot of crap — a lot. They are not usually welcomed into married life without doubts and disapproval being voiced by friends and family.
The “normal” amount of time from GF/BF to fiancees or spouses, one to four years, is considered normal because it is plenty of time to learn about someone and decide if they are right for you, unless they are hiding something, of course. It is also a good amount of time for deciding roles and coming up with the initial way of how things will be handled. It’s a good amount of time for families to get comfortable with the potential in-law, and to see how the couple may work together without so much time being taken that they worry about whether important life events will be missed.
Nearly a decade of waiting or longer of being in a relationship where marriage is a goal is criticized for many reasons. One of the biggest reasons is one that you mentioned: building up and working on the relationship before the marriage. What can happen when people do this is that they end up arranging things in a way that is not going to work. Marriage often changes how people deal with and think about each other and issues like finances, and when they take a long time to get married, they can get used to an arrangement that won’t last long at all. They worked on the wrong kind of relationship. That doesn’t happen for every couple, but it happens enough for it to be considered a problem.
There is also just plain old tradition and the “Sh*t or get off the pot” sentiment.
I hope that sheds some light on the issue.