(Closed) Another girl with ex problems

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Haddonfield, NJ

I am so sorry you went through that! I do have to say, maybe you got caught up in a bit of the whirlwind of it all. 6 months of talking and you were ready to leave everything you know behind for this man? It sounds like maybe things moved a little too fast. I also find it a little off that he was willing to talk about marriage, but you guys still never said “love”. First comes love, then comes marriage, eh? Not the other way around (unless that’s your culture, but that doesn’t seem like the case here). It sounds like maybe you were both really excited to find someone you clicked with, and ran with it, without fully thinking it through. (But seriously, who hasn’t?) Maybe he freaked over the commitment, maybe something major and personal happened. We have no way of knowing. 

I would count yourself lucky, though. Someone who would talk about marrying you one day, then completely cut you out the next is NOT the kind of man you want to marry and start a life with. I’m not saying it’s your fault for rushing into things, btw. Just something to think about. 

Post # 3
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Im sorry you’re going through this.

I think you should go out with your friends, have a good time, mourn if you have to.

The relationship went too fast, maybe he got scared. But you deserve someone who’s not scared of commitment.

Post # 4
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Girl you got caught up in the whirlwind of the “honeymoon stage” of a relationship.  And honestly if you were long distance, how much could you REALLY get to know about this guy??  That’s actually a pretty huge red flag to me when someone talks marriage so early in the relationship when you haven’t had the time to live in the same area, to have a conventional relationship.

You dodged a pretty major bullet here.  You could have moved for him and THEN he said “oh just kidding, I’m not feeling this”.  And honestly?  Moving for someone you barely know is not the best of ideas.  I get it, you had a great connection.  But you know what?  You didn’t even get past the stage where it’s all new and great and sunshine and rainbows so OF COURSE you had a great connection.  I don’t mean to be harsh or anything, I was actually in a similar situation so I get it.  The guy I started dating after my break up with my long term ex…we had a great connection.  We had a whirlwind romance.  Hell he even moved back to my home state with me once my job contract was over.  We broke up, and despite the “great connection” I actually got over him really quickly.  It was only a 5 month romance.  I look back and laugh; it is now (more than 2 years later) hilariously obvious that he wasn’t the right guy for me.

Get some distance from this.  Let yourself heal.  Mourn the relationship if you have to.  Next time you get into a relationship though, take your time getting to know him.  Don’t rush into anything.  There ISN’T any reason to rush into any form of commitment.  If you get into another LDR, really slow down and take the time to get to know him.  LDRs are very different than conventional relationships in the fact that every time you see the other person it’s almost like a vacation.  You can’t truly get to know that other person in “real life”.  Trust me on that — I was in a LDR for over 3 years.  Take care of yourself.

Post # 5
Member
2730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Like PP said, if you couldn’t even say “I love you” yet, why would you even be talking marriage? Maybe it was an infatuation over the internet but when you went to visit him and started talking about moving out there, it was probably too much too soon for him. He realized you wouldn’t be someone he just chats with on the interent/phone/skype when he gets a chance but you would actually be living with him/near him 24/7 AND you’d be giving everything up just for him. That’s a lot of pressure on someone you’ve been long-distance with for 6 months. Add to it that he went to a friend’s wedding and then started acting weird…. it probably freaked him out and he just doesn’t want that kind of commitment yet. I’m sure he really did care for you but I wouldn’t bank on him coming back. Just chalk it up to a shitty life experience and move on.

Also…

 I planned a visit to go see him (he only lives a state away), and the visit was incredible, so I decided to take the plunge to go and live with him

Were any of these decisions discussed with him? Did he invite you to come visit or even agree when you asked? Or did you just take it upon yourself to say “Hey, I’m coming to visit! Booked a flight for XXX!”? When you decided to go live with him, was this something the two of you talked about and he was on board with? Or did you just assume it’s what he wanted also and suddenly told him you were moving out there? If he wasn’t 100% involved in and agreeing to these decisions, then that’s probably what scared him away…

Post # 7
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You really can’t truly get to know someone just by texting, skyping, facetiming.  When you really get to know someone, it’s face-to-face.  Even if you had met 2 years ago, how much time did you spend together?  Not texting, talking on the phone, skyping, but face-to-face?  It’s VERY different face-to-face.  This was a bullet dodged.  Now is the time to move on.

Post # 8
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

You met two years ago? But originally you said “During the past six months, I met a guy online”

Regardless that’s like no time to get to know someone especially over the Internet. Next time, take your time, enjoy the early stages of the relationship. Get to know the person (not just how much you “click”) before marriage and moving in comes up. 

Post # 10
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
finalendeavor:  I get that, however it is infinitely more difficult to truly get to know what someone is like when you’re in a LDR.  Again, because it’s like a vacation every time you see that person, and you were still in the honeymoon period.

Like I said, I did the distance thing for over 3 years so I totally get it and I’m not trying to discredit it at all.  I apologize if it came off that way.  I am saying however that talking about potential moving and marriage after knowing someone for 6 months and only seeing them a handful of times is not the best of ideas.

Post # 12
Member
2730 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
finalendeavor:  Having a wodnerful, awesome, non-awkward trip (with a set end date) is totally different than knowing this person will be living with/near you all the time. Plus, his perseption of how the trip went could be different than yours. Maybe inside, he was already freaking out or ‘not feeling it’ anymore. Or maybe it really was great to him too but once he got back to his ‘normal routine’, he liked that better. It would probably scare a few guys off to go from texting/skyping occassionally, spending ONE trip together, to talking marriage and moving in. That’s a huge leap from internet chatter. It may have completely changed his view on the relationship all together and at least he didn’t spend another 6 months stringing you along. At least he was honest with his feelings and ended it before you actually moved out there or made bigger life plans with him.

Post # 13
Member
2129 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
finalendeavor:  Sounds like he has some emotional issues you weren’t aware of. Count your blessings that he only wasted 6 months of your time and not years.

Post # 14
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
MrsWe:  where do you see emotional issues? There’s nothing wrong with dating someone then realizing they aren’t the one. The connection could’ve been strong on the OP’s end but not necessarily on his. 

Post # 15
Member
4240 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
finalendeavor:  I know how you feel.  You were blindsided — I was blindsided by my ex (the 5 months one) who I mentioned above too…all of a sudden things weren’t right and he wasn’t into the relationship anymore.  And now looking back, thank goodness we broke up!  At the time though it was ridiculously hard to come to terms with it.  Just take care of yourself, mourn this relationship, and treat this like a break up.  If for some reason you guys want to give it another shot and it feels right go for it, but at this point I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for him to want to be with you.

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