- 8 years ago
- Wedding: February 2010
I’ve tried ladies – I have tried so hard to take everyone’s advice and just IGNORE the things my in-laws do to my poor husband, but it’s so hard to stand by and let it happen.
When Thanksgiving was coming, I wrote about how I was saddened that my in-laws, my Mother-In-Law in particular, really ignored my husband. I really felt like they didn’t give a crap about making plans with him.
Many of you gave her the benefit of the doubt. You suggested that since we lived far away, perhaps she didn’t want to make us feel obligated to spend money and spend Thanksgiving with them since it would have been difficult.
Some of you said that my in-laws couldn’t read our minds and wouldn’t know that we wanted to spend the holiday with them if we didn’t say anything, but that bit still bothers me: do parents need to be told that reaching out to their children is a good idea? From hearing about your families, I don’t get that feeling.
Now, Christmas. We were asked by my parents to come visit and to stay with them. So, we agreed even though it’s a 3 day driving journey to get there.
My husband let his mother know that we would be in her small town for a week. Her first response was “Oh, good, you can take care of the stuff you left here when you moved out.”
She hasn’t seen her son since our wedding in May. After that conversation (a month ago) I have spoken to her once on the phone and confirmed the dates we would be there. As I mentioned in my Thanksgiving post, I know that she has already made many plans with her daughter, her new son-in-law to be and others.
She didn’t ask me if we wanted to make plans with her or her family.
She hasn’t once called her son to ask him what his plans are or if he wants to come to dinner or anything nice.
They haven’t shown an ounce of interest in him, including his sister. His brother-in-law hasn’t either, but they are boys and I’m sure it’s different. It hurts me to the CORE. He has learned to toughen himself up but he is such a warm and loyal person – it certainly hurts him inside.
I called his mother out of pity because she was bereaved and to give her my condolences, and to ask sincerely about all her daughter’s wedding plans that my husband has been left out of – and within minutes she lashed out at me, trying to send me on a guilt trip for something I had nothing to do with.
Here is the root of the matter: I moved in with my husband after our marriage. I am having the hardest time adjusting to how little his family gives a crap about him. He lived with them before so they would say two words to him, but now silence. This is UNNATURAL. A mother is supposed to genuinely love her son and it kills me to see her favoritism so strongly.
She, as a person, is big on “deserve” as opposed to “earn” and she’s big on “supposed to” as opposed to “want to” so she’s very careful not to do things that can be perceived as “against the rules.” For these reasons, she sends a card on Easter and on Thanksgiving but I think her actions at these times really speak the loudest.
Sure, you may say – well, it sounds like neither of you want to spend time with them, so you’re homefree! Yes, we’re homefree, but this is heartwrenching to see the person I care about most being spured by his own family and to see them all move forward in life without him. His sister is getting married and we won’t be able to be there – if we do talk to his mother it’s nothing but bragging about her favorite daughter.
Everyone says: do whatever your husband does. Handle it the way he handles it and let HIM handle THEM.
I don’t know. Ignoring your new family after marriage is NOT normal. I don’t blame myself for not being able to adjust to having a new family because ignoring them and their horrible ways is NOT normal. I wasn’t raised to ignore problems – I was raised to have transparent conversations and these folks don’t respond to reason.
I am the warmest person and I work so hard to make others feel welcome and not only am I not welcome in their family – but neither is my husband!