Post # 1
I am using this username to remain annonymous.
I have never had a very high sex drive – and I’ve never been on BC or any medication, and the first year of Darling Husband and my relationship we were long distance, and when we did see eachother it was never an issue – I was always in the mood and I was always missing it when we couldn’t be together. But now we have been living together for about 10 months solidly and I never ever ever get honestly into the mood and initiate first, but sometimes I think it might be hard to gauge because Darling Husband initiates every single day and hints on it throughout the day – so I often don’t feel like I’ve gotten a chance to initiate. We’ve talked about this, and I will say playfully “hey, tomorrow don’t initiate anything – its my turn!” but then the pressure of suddenly “needing” to feel in the mood that day doesn’t actually help me get there, though I will initiate though I really struggle in finding a moment that feels right… and because I “promised,” if I fail to initiate that day, Darling Husband will likely get a bit upset. And then the cycle begins again where he initiates all the time, but then gets down because I am not initiating.
Now don’t get me wrong, I really do love being intimate however I have been having an increasingly difficult time reaching climax. Its always been difficult – I’ve always had to be a contorntionist and can only climax at all after looong periods of playing by hand – although occasionally it can be really easy. But the last couple of weeks have been particularly difficult – while it used to almost always happen eventually, lately we’ve had to give up after very lengthy periods of trying. I’ve tried doing it on my own – and it is sometimes easier, and I’ve tried toys but they really don’t work for me… anyway I’ve sort of accepted that climaxing is like an extra bonus for me and I won’t always expect it, but it really upsets Darling Husband if I can’t.
I don’t have any new stressors in my life, though I have been a bit depressed because I’ve been having a hard time adjusting to living in a new place and haven’t been able to find work, etc, but those have been constant for a long time and there is nothing new I can contribute to this.
I just want my body to behave “normally.” I do a lot of “fake it till you make it” except now that climaxing has gotten more difficult for me, I have an added pressure of not upseting Darling Husband. It is very upsetting to me because I really don’t want something I can’t seem to be able to help cause any kind rift for us.
Post # 3
Its sounds like you’ve been through a lot of changes and that can be tough on your drive, especially going from long distance to married. Long distance definitely amps up passion levels.
But really, I think it boils down all the pressure that you have on you from yourself and your Darling Husband that is causing the issue. I also kinda felt the same way for a while, finding it hard to climax, but not wanting Darling Husband to get upset. For me, it made me just feel more like something was wrong with me. You really need to take the pressure off.
Explain to Darling Husband that you aren’t always in the mood, and can’t always climax, and that it only makes things worse when he gets upset about it. I told my Darling Husband some statistic I heard somewhere (can’t remember it now), like the majority of women can’t climax from sex, that helped him understand instead of feeling bad about himself. Make it a team effort to get rid of the pressure or something. However you can do it, you guys need to talk about it and get on the same page, or it won’t get better. Guys are just completely different and don’t understand how girls are wired.
It took me a while to do but it made a difference. I would also not try to fake it till you make it, and just focus on staying in the moment. Plus, he needs to know whats actually working and what’s not. Faking it doesn’t tell him that. Its hard at first, but you really just have to find ways stop psyching yourself out. It took me a while, but once the pressure was off and I got out of my own head, things got sooo much better. I’m sure It’ll work out for you too.
Post # 4
Ooops – clarification. The part I am faking is the being interested in sex part.
Thanks for your response, I will keep trying those things.
Post # 5
If you’re a lady with a low sex drive, or who doesn’t have a lot of orgasms, you really need to underline for your husband that it’s not about him. He’s not allowed to tell you that your pleasure, or lack thereof, isn’t up to his standards – that’s actually pretty selfish if you think about it. It sounds like it’s getting in the way of you enjoying intimacy and exploring your sexuality.
You say you want to be “normal” – what would normal be, in your opinion? Are you unhappy with the way things are, or are you just unhappy because he’s unhappy?
Post # 6
By “normal” I suppose I meant at least normal for me… as things seems to be becoming more difficult. I mean, I am content with the way things are though if there were a dial for my sex drive I would turn it up quite a few notches – I can deal with it but the decrease probably doesn’t make any sense to him so he’s having difficulty with it. I am just unhappy because he is unhappy. But I think he is beginning to understand more so the situation is beginning to improve.
Post # 7
If what you’re experiencing is not normal for you, why not get a full checkup just to make sure nothing has changed medically? Some women have low testosterone and stuff like that – it happens. I’m still concerned and confused about what you’re actually feeling and desiring – you say the situation is beginning to improve, but also that things are becoming more difficult?
I think you should try to initiate things with your husband, just in the interest of being a giving, considerate sex partner. You should also try to address the sources of stress in your life, make sure there’s nothing medically wacky happening, and make sure that Darling Husband knows that your desire, orgasms, or lack thereof do not exist for his validation only.
Post # 8
Last few weeks, much harder to orgasm….. last few days – Darling Husband being more understanding (we talk about it every day)
I do try and initiate as much as I can – just hard to get it in before him, and its difficult cause I’m never really in the mood but I do try.
Thanks so much for your support – will keep working on it! And I would like to talk to my doctor about it once I get set up with one here.
Post # 9
I agree that it really sounds like stress is making it harder. For women, it is pretty mental and we can’t psyche ourselves out by feeling a million different things all at once.
I don’t really feel into it a lot either but I’m on BC for medical reasons so it’s not like I can just stop it. I think it’s just something you have to work on and when you do it more, it gets easier.