(Closed) Another mediocre sex post – advice needed

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
909 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think your best bet is to stop being so selfless and start being more demanding (as you already ventured into when you refused to use lube).

Say “I want to try this” or if he’s rushing foreplay request that he slow it down. Especially since you’re seeking emotional connection from sex, I would make sure you’re keeping eye contact with him, and describing what you want him to do as he’s doing it, etc. 

Post # 5
909 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@anon50:  You don’t tell him. You just demand that sex happen differently, and then praise the hell out of him for anything that you enjoy. 

He doesn’t know it’s not amazing for you if you’re telling him it’s good every time. 

Post # 6
46406 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

“Obviously I can’t tell him that.”

Yes, you can tell him that. if you don’t speak up, or in fact basically lie to him by leading him to believe that your sex life is working for you, you are in for mediocre sex for as long as this relationship lasts.

You owe it to him and to yourself to be honest. You don’t have to criticize to get the message across. Make it all about you. ” I love the feeling I get when we have sex. I love it when you ensure that I have an orgasm. I want us to have an even closer connection when we are sexual with each other. I would like  more foreplay, more skin to skin touching stroking, massaging, more ’emotional connection and communication about what we want and what’s important to us’.”

Then take the lead by demonstrating that to him.

When you are having sex and he starts to move from one step to another “ kisses me , touches my boobs, touches my clit, and wants to be inside me.” reach for his hand and slow him down, tell him out loud, “Not yet honey, I would like to us to spend more time kissing first…”

Post # 7
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@anon50:  You gotta set him up to succeed babe!  Men love the rut, they like being in a nice, familiar, routine ridden rut, and since your fella has had a fer speed bumps in the bedroom department, it’s a delicate situation..stop taking it so seriously and start having some fun!  Step one, the bedroom isn’t always the best venue, catch him off guard, jump him in the laundry room, tackle him in the kitchen…its fun!  Remember, it can’t always be about you, and it can’t always be about him…but sometimes it CAN be about just one of you…giving and recieving pleasure and equally awesome and underrated…make one night all about him…next time is all about you…we all have our fanstasies, and we think they make us weird or nuts…work one out sometime…but don’t talk about it…just go home early, dress up like Wonder Woman and use your Lasso of Justice to make that man tell the truth..or whatever!  You have to teach him that sex isn’t so much about the destination as the scenery…he’s got to stop being so goal oriented and start getting in the moment with you, that’s a hard one, but if your making him feel like a stud just for laying his hands on you, he’ll be more interested in the fooling around part…play up how good it feels, he’s not psychic and finally if at first you don’t succeed, keep freaking trying…it takes practice!

Post # 8
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Nona99:  I have to +1 you on this. Sex is not always about you or your partner or even together. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it whether you like it or not.

Nona99 is right, if your sticking to the bedroom things are bound to get boring, also you said he got some help and he can stay hard during sex but everything is rushed. Did it occur to you that he might be rushing it for fear of losing his erection? It could be that he learned tricks to keep himself going but he might be worried about losing it before he gets penetration.

Stop being so hard on him. Performance anxiety will kill even the heartiest of men.  Catch him in the shower, the laundry room, living room, just walk in their naked, give him a nice blow job, climb on top and ride him.

Also you can use other things besides toys, there is lingerie, guys know whats underneath but sometimes rewrapping the outside can cause excitement. Ask him what his fetishes are? Every dude on this planet has something that gets his motor running. Its a primal thing. Use it to get what you want.

Post # 9
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You can totally do this… you’ve had “rockstar sex” already, so you KNOW he has it in him.

Guys have the memory span of a goldfish when it comes to this stuff.  A horny guy just wants IN … NOW!  so you’ll have to remind him, maybe every time for a long time, that you need more time.  I liked julies1949 wording “Not yet honey, I would like to us to spend more time kissing first…”  or something to that effect.  OR, switch gears and flip him over and start kissing HIM, whatever it takes to stop intercourse non-verbally if you don’t feel comfortable saying “not yet” in the moment.

If he doesn’t like toys, how does he feel about adult movies?  There are plenty of free adult sites (redtube and pornhub are two good ones) where you can browse through like a MILLION videos and save your favourites for him.  Then, if he’s into watching, you can tell him “this looks really fun, or I would love it if we did this” etc…  Also, incidentally, watching for a few minutes yourself before getting into bed can really get your motor running too.

Post # 10
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think you’re getting some good advice. Your husband needs to be comfortable having an erection in a non-pressured environment. Besides the other good suggestions in the thread:

  1. Have sessions where the objective is fully enjoying foreplay. 
  2. Have sessions that focus on playing with the erection. Spend time getting him up, and letting him go down, up and down with the objective of keeping it up longer. But let him know that it’s purely for the two of you to enjoy and explore his penis. No worries about cumming. No worries about maintaining the erection. Just purely exploring what works and what might not.
  3. Try horny goat weed. I heard this unrestricts blood flow and could help him maintain the erection.
  4. Search online for foods that promote the erection.
  5. If stressful things happen in the bedroom or in the bed, cease thos activities. Make the bedroom purely a place for desire.  No laptops in the bed, no arguing in the bedroom, etc. (do follow the advice of spontenous sex around the house.)
  6. Figure out how to remove the performance pressure from him. Let him know you find him sexy ways that don’t lead to sex. If he’s cooking, squeeze his buns and kiss him on his neck and walk away with no expectations. Tell him that from now on, there is no more expectation of him “finishing.” from here out, it’s all about enjoying what intimacy, no matter what form it is in.
  7. No expectations. Try to remove your own expectations. I think he can probably sense your displeasure and it might affect his performance. Try as hard as you can to not let negativity flow during the intimacy. Encourage him, and make sure he knows it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t finish. I know it matters to you, but try to train yourself to just be in the moment, whatever that moment is. 
  8. Train yourself to focus on the sensations of what you are getting and not the things you are not getting. Try to focus on “feel” rather than what’s happening or not happening, because nothing matters but the expression of love and attraction. 

From what you’ve said, it kind of sounds like you don’t feel that he’s taking advice or suggestions. He might not be. The male ego is a fragile thing, especially when it comes to pleasing his woman–and his inability to do so. He’s probably constantly thinking about pleasing you and finishing. So try to remove that from his mind. I believe that you’ll get what you need if you two stop focusing on a goal and start enjoying the journey.

Foreplay is essential, and I agree with others that he’s rushing so he doesn’t lose the erection. But if you can both just decide to enjoy the foreplay and let it lead where it may, you might finish. Even if you start and he loses it, it’s okay. Reassure him and try again. 

I have a question. Does he masterbate? If so, can he maintain himself to completion during that? I also suggest you watch him masterbate and he watches you. Whatever you two can do to make it less about the problem and learn to enjoy sex in different forms.


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