(Closed) Another name change thread, with a different spin

posted 6 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
Member
7407 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well, its probably his mom’s/ aunt’s/ sister’s name too.

Post # 4
Member
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Tangled:   I’m in the same situation.  I don’t like it that his ex still has his last name and ours will be the same once I’m married to Fiance.  Maybe our FI’s exes will get remarried and we won’t have that problem anymore, lol.  But it really doesn’t bother me a whole lot. 

I still have not met this woman, although Fiance have been to her house several times to pick up their son for dinner when he was at her house.  She didn’t come to the door any of the times. 

Another time I loaned their son my Jeep for six months and the battery died while he was visiting her.  My Fiance had to work that day so I went over there to help by purchasing and helping him install the new battery. 

I was in her driveway, with her son, for over three hours and she never once came out of the house.  I thought it was the weirdest thing ever!  I couldn’t believe I was being so generous and helpful to her son and she never once thanked me or was even polite enough to come outside for just a minute to say hello and introduce herself. 

Post # 5
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Sunfire:  o_O  That is weeeeiiiiird.

Post # 6
Member
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@WillyNilly:   Yeah, right?  I was trying to put myself in her place, and if it were me I would be too worried the new girlfriend/fiancee/stepmother-to-be would think I was weird as hell if I didn’t at least introduce myself and say hello.  Especially after I have done so much to help her son.  I love the kid, though. 

My Fiance thinks she’s been having some kind of mental or emotional problems; she had a severe breakdown at her job a few months ago.  I think she’s got some type of psychological disorder – not to be mean, I’m being serious – like a medical condition.  So maybe that’s the explanation for her behavior.  Fiance is always very kind to her, which I appreciate, and they get along well regarding their son.  My Fiance is such a good guy.  I would like to meet the ex, though, considering I’ll soon be her son’s step-mom. 

Post # 8
Member
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Tangled:   The name thing is weird, I guess it’s just something we’ll learn to get used to.

You might be right, I hope she doesn’t go all psycho on me.  Really though, I think she’s probably fine, maybe she’s just insecure or something.  Sooner or later I’ll have to meet her, for instance, at her son’s college graduation in a couple of years, lol.  My Future Sister-In-Law told me she’s a nice person but she said she was never the right one for my Fiance.  I love my Future Sister-In-Law so much!  She said I am the only one who has ever been completely perfect for him.  🙂  I agree, needless to say.

Post # 9
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Just a thought, but what if a lot of the ex wives out there don’t change their name for the same reason that a lot of new wives have trouble taking the new last name? There is a lot of identity wrapped up in our maiden names, but I think there’s just as much in a new last name. If women who don’t change their name after the divorce had a hard time (even if they didn’t show it) changing their name to begin with because of the identity they’d forged over a lifetime with that name, I can totally understand how the same would be true once divorced.

I know I would feel like I was trying to wash my marriage off of me if we ever got divorced and I changed my name back. To me, it’s not the same as taking on his last name in the light of a new life and fresh future together. It’s more like, “Ugh, I can’t believe it happened, get it off of me now.” And not every ex wife feels that way.

Anyway, I’m not trying to minimize how you feel, I promise, and I hope that’s now how it came across! Crappy feelings suck, no matter the reason or rationalizations. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. 🙁 

Post # 10
Member
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ellisrobertson:   That’s a really good point and a good way to look at it.  Also, when there are children involved it makes sense. 

Post # 12
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Tangled:  Even so, it’s a new life and an identity by which she decided to be known. It takes a lot for some women to come to the decision to change to their husband’s last name and a divorce doesn’t erase the identiy she created while married. Or maybe she’s feeling unsure of what her current identity is. I know that every woman I’ve ever known to divorce has kept her ex’s last name. My mom would have done if she and my dad had divorced (instead of separating and getting back together).

Maybe one day she’ll realize that she’s a new person from when she was married and be ready to make a change. Or maybe she doesn’t think it’s worth the effort. If she changes her name and then marries again and takes his last name, that’ll be a boatload of name changes in her life! On the other hand, if she absolutely hates him and they have a horrible divorced relationship, I don’t know why she’d want to still be associated with that last name. Unless it makes her feel closer to her kid(s)? I honestly don’t know. Her reasons could be simple, or convoluted, or legitimately complex or just lazy.

If you’re friendly, are you friendly enough for real conversation? Would you ever be able (in a totally conversational, non confrontational way) to ask her what it was like changing her name in the first place? Maybe open the door to some communication, get the “inside scoop” from someone who’s done the name change thing. And then slip the question in, “Have you ever wanted to go back to it (her maiden name)?” I get that this might not work if your relationship isn’t like that, but sometimes the most casual of acquaintances are the best place for more complicated questions.

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