Another name question: long name

posted 11 months ago in Traditions
Post # 2
Member
6828 posts
Busy Beekeeper

He is completely closed to taking a new name himself

Why is always the woman who has to compromise her name and identity? Such BS. He is completely against it, but expects you to? Ugh. Imagine if that was anything else, like doing dishes or paying bills. Would. Not. Fly. 

I have my mothers last name and wanted to keep it, my husband had no issues. In your case, you’ve already gone through the rigmorole and don’t want to. That should be enough itself. If you want to keep your name (or just don’t even want to go through the effort), I would keep yours. That’s what I would do in your shoes. 

Post # 3
Member
4661 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

If you don’t have a preference to having the same name and children having the same name and you want to keep your name: keep it. If he is adamant you have the same name then to be honest I think he should change his. 

I guess what I mean is why doesn’t he want to change his name? How is his identity more important that yours?

Eta. Agree with PP.

Post # 4
Member
3533 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

This would absolutely NOT fly with me.

If he is the one who is so adament that you must all have the same name, he can change his. If he is unwilling to do that he has absolutely no right to expect you to. He doesn’t get to demand something of you that he is not willing to do himself.

Don’t budge on this.

Post # 5
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Um…yeah, no. If it’s not something he would do, he has zero right to demand it of you. This attitude would be a capital B capital P – Big Problem – for me. It doesn’t feel like an equal balance of power and shows a bit of entitlement based on cultural traditions. 

My husband and I were each willing to take each other’s names. We went with his because my maiden name is literally one letter different than his middle name which would have just become comical. Neither of us has much of an attachment to family names and we wanted to be a cohesive unit on paper with the same last name. 

Post # 6
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

bibliophilacticbee :  First, you can practice saying the new last name without the middle name. You almost never use your middle name out loud and how often will you really need it on paperwork and would filling out a few extra letters on paper really inconvenience you? Elizabeth Rigginbothom actually flows nicely in length and syllables (I understand it’s a different name but I assume similar flow). 

Next, the real issue isnt what you’re changing it to, but that you just “dont wanna.” If you dont want to then that’s hard to change but I dont see it as losing your Identity, just joining a family. Plus, when you have kids are you going to hyphenate a really long name? Or just use his or yours? I’d be inclined to change it just for the sake of keeping things less complex when you have kids. 

Also I support you changing or not changing your name but I’m so sick of the SJW such as PP who are saying “dont budge” and dont do something he isnt willing to do. God forbid a man may want to do something traditionally. If you’re both adamant on “not budging” on this then may as well cancel the wedding. Even if you’re well established in a career one can legally change their name and professionally keep the other. As you likely  learned in your previous marriage, sometimes one has to budge when the other doesnt want to. You know your man bee, talk to him and figure out his reasoning. But as always if you dont want to then you dont want to.

Post # 7
Member
6834 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

IMO (as a woman who did not change her name after marriage), not wanting to is definitely a good enough reason. You don’t want to, so don’t! 

Post # 8
Member
3533 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

honeybunbee :  He is joining her family every bit as much as she is joining hers, and the reason “SJWs” say “don’t budge” on issues like this is because it is fundamentally unfair for one partner to demand something of the other that they are not willing to do themselves. Doesn’t matter if it’s in the name of “tradition”.

If he is so adament that they MUST share a name, whereas she is either ambivalent about it or dislikes the idea, it really doesn’t matter what her reasons are, even if it does come down simply to “don’t wanna” – she should not be expected to compromise (and by compromise, we mean completely give in and let him have his way) solely because she is a woman. 

Post # 9
Member
4578 posts
Honey bee

As long as you don’t have a preference for all having the same last name, I would keep the name you have.  That might be my answer no matter what,  but it gets more complicated to suss out if you actually feel strongly about that point.

He can have all the strong feelings he wants. But unfortunately he’s not marrying himself. Marriage requires two people. And his strong feelings about your last name do not get to trump your own feelings about your own name and identity. Your identity, your choice. So his options are to find someone else to marry who feels the exact same way he does about them changing their name to his or he stands down because it doesn’t get to be his decision.

 ETA (not addressed at OP):

1. Just because something is a tradition doesn’t mean it isn’t incredibly stupid.  It’s all just stuff one person at one time thought was a good idea.  It’s not a mandate.

2.  It is not a tradition in all cultures and it is incredibly ignorant and xenophobic to assume or expect that everyone should conform to the specific culture that does engage in that practice.

Post # 10
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

sboom :  so if she is absolutely adamant on keeping her name and he’s absolutely adamant on her taking his name then who budges? Taking an entirely new name isnt equivalent of taking his name. Him taking her name is not equivalent to taking his name. So if both are unwilling to do what they are trying to impose on their partner (she unwilling to take his, he unwilling hers) then neither should budge, compromise, or ever move forward from this issue? Bee knew the man she said “yes” to. If she knows hes a traditionalist then this shouldn’t exactly be a surprise. I actually think this topic should be brought up well before proposing as it’s an indication of compatibility and character type. Neither is right or wrong here, it’s just a character conflict.

Post # 11
Member
6828 posts
Busy Beekeeper

honeybunbee :  so if she is absolutely adamant on keeping her name and he’s absolutely adamant on her taking his name then who budges?

The person who ISN’T EFFECTED has to “budge”. He cannot force her to change her name. As I said in my post, imagine this was about anything else. Marital rape used to be legal and some would argue traditional. It’s not a SJW to protect someone who doesn’t want to do something instead of the person who wants SOMEONE ELSE to do something. 

 

Post # 12
Member
3533 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

honeybunbee :  “Him taking her name is not equivalent to taking his name. “

Yes… it is. What world are you living in?

The only thing I agree with you on here is that this topic should have come up a long ass time ago because, while it may be a “small” thing in and of itself, views on this are a very clear indication of a person’s character and values. I for one would not be willing to legally bind myself to a man who felt that HIS opinion should trump mine when it comes to a very personal choice about MY identity. If it were a matter of him just assuming that’s what we would do or preferring that I change my name but accepting my choice not to in the end, I could work with that. But he needs to recognize that this is not HIS choice to make.

Post # 13
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

jellybellynelly :  you posed the same question, who budges? It’s up to them. And her taking his name isnt equivalent to marital rape. All I’m saying is if hes really “,closed” to the idea of a new name and adamant she take his then it sounds like signs of a traditionalist were likely missed or ignored pre-proposal so now her option are budge, hope he budges, or leave. But dont blame someone for being who they are. Just like the Christian girls who vainly hope that marriage will change their atheist guy’s heart or girls who think theyll change their guy’s mind about kids, a ring doesnt change who you or your guy is. I’d recommend Bee and her fiance discuss this in pre-marital counseling instead of on here. I didnt mean to jump on my soap box and start something, I just think this personality conflict is bound to extend beyond a name change. OP, are you in premarital counseling? 

Post # 14
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Keep your name. He will get over it.

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