Post # 1
Fiancé and I are at a name impass. He desperately wants me to take his name after marriage. He is completely closed to taking a new name himself, and wants me to have the same last name (as well as the child we want to have one day).
My first and middle name are 9 letters long each. My current last name is 4 letters which helps to keep in easy to write and say. The problem is that his last name is 12 letters.
So hyphenating would leave me at 9-9-4-12=34 letters. Even without the hyphen, I’m not loving the idea of changing my last name at all. It’s a lot of work. And this is my second marriage and I really don’t want to lose my identity a second time. And I just don’t love the name. So basically I don’t wanna. But he feels even more strongly about me changing it to his last name. Below names have been changed to maintain anonymity.
i.e. Elizabeth seraphina sims
Elizabeth Seraphina Sims- Rigginbottom
Elizabeth Seraphina Rigginbottom
I know the options are to keep my last name or take his. What would you do in my shoes?
Post # 2
He is completely closed to taking a new name himself
Why is always the woman who has to compromise her name and identity? Such BS. He is completely against it, but expects you to? Ugh. Imagine if that was anything else, like doing dishes or paying bills. Would. Not. Fly.
I have my mothers last name and wanted to keep it, my husband had no issues. In your case, you’ve already gone through the rigmorole and don’t want to. That should be enough itself. If you want to keep your name (or just don’t even want to go through the effort), I would keep yours. That’s what I would do in your shoes.
Post # 3
If you don’t have a preference to having the same name and children having the same name and you want to keep your name: keep it. If he is adamant you have the same name then to be honest I think he should change his.
I guess what I mean is why doesn’t he want to change his name? How is his identity more important that yours?
Eta. Agree with PP.
Post # 4
This would absolutely NOT fly with me.
If he is the one who is so adament that you must all have the same name, he can change his. If he is unwilling to do that he has absolutely no right to expect you to. He doesn’t get to demand something of you that he is not willing to do himself.
Don’t budge on this.
Post # 5
Um…yeah, no. If it’s not something he would do, he has zero right to demand it of you. This attitude would be a capital B capital P – Big Problem – for me. It doesn’t feel like an equal balance of power and shows a bit of entitlement based on cultural traditions.
My husband and I were each willing to take each other’s names. We went with his because my maiden name is literally one letter different than his middle name which would have just become comical. Neither of us has much of an attachment to family names and we wanted to be a cohesive unit on paper with the same last name.
Post # 6
bibliophilacticbee : First, you can practice saying the new last name without the middle name. You almost never use your middle name out loud and how often will you really need it on paperwork and would filling out a few extra letters on paper really inconvenience you? Elizabeth Rigginbothom actually flows nicely in length and syllables (I understand it’s a different name but I assume similar flow).
Next, the real issue isnt what you’re changing it to, but that you just “dont wanna.” If you dont want to then that’s hard to change but I dont see it as losing your Identity, just joining a family. Plus, when you have kids are you going to hyphenate a really long name? Or just use his or yours? I’d be inclined to change it just for the sake of keeping things less complex when you have kids.
Also I support you changing or not changing your name but I’m so sick of the SJW such as PP who are saying “dont budge” and dont do something he isnt willing to do. God forbid a man may want to do something traditionally. If you’re both adamant on “not budging” on this then may as well cancel the wedding. Even if you’re well established in a career one can legally change their name and professionally keep the other. As you likely learned in your previous marriage, sometimes one has to budge when the other doesnt want to. You know your man bee, talk to him and figure out his reasoning. But as always if you dont want to then you dont want to.
Post # 7
IMO (as a woman who did not change her name after marriage), not wanting to is definitely a good enough reason. You don’t want to, so don’t!
Post # 8
honeybunbee : He is joining her family every bit as much as she is joining hers, and the reason “SJWs” say “don’t budge” on issues like this is because it is fundamentally unfair for one partner to demand something of the other that they are not willing to do themselves. Doesn’t matter if it’s in the name of “tradition”.
If he is so adament that they MUST share a name, whereas she is either ambivalent about it or dislikes the idea, it really doesn’t matter what her reasons are, even if it does come down simply to “don’t wanna” – she should not be expected to compromise (and by compromise, we mean completely give in and let him have his way) solely because she is a woman.
Post # 9
As long as you don’t have a preference for all having the same last name, I would keep the name you have. That might be my answer no matter what, but it gets more complicated to suss out if you actually feel strongly about that point.
He can have all the strong feelings he wants. But unfortunately he’s not marrying himself. Marriage requires two people. And his strong feelings about your last name do not get to trump your own feelings about your own name and identity. Your identity, your choice. So his options are to find someone else to marry who feels the exact same way he does about them changing their name to his or he stands down because it doesn’t get to be his decision.
ETA (not addressed at OP):
1. Just because something is a tradition doesn’t mean it isn’t incredibly stupid. It’s all just stuff one person at one time thought was a good idea. It’s not a mandate.
2. It is not a tradition in all cultures and it is incredibly ignorant and xenophobic to assume or expect that everyone should conform to the specific culture that does engage in that practice.
Post # 10
sboom : so if she is absolutely adamant on keeping her name and he’s absolutely adamant on her taking his name then who budges? Taking an entirely new name isnt equivalent of taking his name. Him taking her name is not equivalent to taking his name. So if both are unwilling to do what they are trying to impose on their partner (she unwilling to take his, he unwilling hers) then neither should budge, compromise, or ever move forward from this issue? Bee knew the man she said “yes” to. If she knows hes a traditionalist then this shouldn’t exactly be a surprise. I actually think this topic should be brought up well before proposing as it’s an indication of compatibility and character type. Neither is right or wrong here, it’s just a character conflict.
Post # 11
honeybunbee : so if she is absolutely adamant on keeping her name and he’s absolutely adamant on her taking his name then who budges?
The person who ISN’T EFFECTED has to “budge”. He cannot force her to change her name. As I said in my post, imagine this was about anything else. Marital rape used to be legal and some would argue traditional. It’s not a SJW to protect someone who doesn’t want to do something instead of the person who wants SOMEONE ELSE to do something.
Post # 12
honeybunbee : “Him taking her name is not equivalent to taking his name. “
Yes… it is. What world are you living in?
The only thing I agree with you on here is that this topic should have come up a long ass time ago because, while it may be a “small” thing in and of itself, views on this are a very clear indication of a person’s character and values. I for one would not be willing to legally bind myself to a man who felt that HIS opinion should trump mine when it comes to a very personal choice about MY identity. If it were a matter of him just assuming that’s what we would do or preferring that I change my name but accepting my choice not to in the end, I could work with that. But he needs to recognize that this is not HIS choice to make.
Post # 13
jellybellynelly : you posed the same question, who budges? It’s up to them. And her taking his name isnt equivalent to marital rape. All I’m saying is if hes really “,closed” to the idea of a new name and adamant she take his then it sounds like signs of a traditionalist were likely missed or ignored pre-proposal so now her option are budge, hope he budges, or leave. But dont blame someone for being who they are. Just like the Christian girls who vainly hope that marriage will change their atheist guy’s heart or girls who think theyll change their guy’s mind about kids, a ring doesnt change who you or your guy is. I’d recommend Bee and her fiance discuss this in pre-marital counseling instead of on here. I didnt mean to jump on my soap box and start something, I just think this personality conflict is bound to extend beyond a name change. OP, are you in premarital counseling?
Post # 14
Keep your name. He will get over it.
Post # 15
honeybunbee : I’m open to counseling, provided it isn’t religious. I’m religious but he’s not. Regardless, I don’t want a religious take on this issue.
Regarding kids: I have two from my previous marriage. I don’t currently share their last name, so not really fussed about sharing one with a new kid. I haven’t had any issues at all not having the same last name.
I don’t love the assumption that the kid has to have his last name, but since it’d be his only child, I’m happy enough that it would take his last name. I’m also super okay with going by his last name socially. As long as I keep my current name professionally and legally, I don’t care what others call me.
I know he’ll still marry me if I don’t change the name… he’ll just be a little hurt. In our circles not taking the same name is super rare. And especially since I did the first time he feels like I’m saying something about us by not taking his. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want to do something I really don’t want to do.