Post # 1
I’ve been lurking here for a while and reading the posts on this topic, but I figured I should actually post.
I know a lot of people seem to have this issue, but it’s really wearing me down in what is meant to be an exciting time.
We’re getting married in May. We’re having a small wedding (40 people) in a church, followed by a very formal reception in a historical house.<br />We made the decision a while ago to have it an adults-only affair, as it’s going to be a very late night (finishes at 12) and there’s going to be a band and alcohol. We didn’t want to put it on the invites (as weddings we’ve been to have) so we’re just telling people. Everyone has expected so far not to bring their children, except my fiance’s sister.<br /><br />She hit the roof, saying that if her 7 month old baby can’t be there neither will she. We said we can’t make exceptions, it’s not fair and she’s far too little for the wedding. She said that she can’t possibly leave her, even though she has left her several times with her grandparents to go to BBQ’s and parties, etc. If she hadn’t left her with her husbands mother before it’d be different, but she’s never had a problem until now. Also she is no longer nursing her so that’s not a problem either. She said if her daughter is ‘excluded’ her husband and her feel excluded too.<br /><br />I love kids, I’m an elementary school teacher but she is being very unfair. Now my fiance’s parents are threatening not to come unless we make the niece a ‘focal point’ of our wedding and give her a ‘role.’ It’s OUR wedding! They are saying everyone will love her and if she cries they’ll just take her out and put her in a ‘different room’ at the reception. She’s a lovely baby and I love her, but it’s just not that sort of venue that a baby can attend. Firstly they had a problem with us having a vegetarian wedding (we’ve been vegetarian for 3 years) and now they’re trying to tell us what to do with this!<br />I’m so upset, she was also meant to be my bridesmaid so now she’s left me in the lurch. I tried to compromise by saying I’ll organise child care, and you can always see her after the ceremony before the reception but it’s not enough for her. She told me that everyone will ‘love the baby’ and no-one will have a problem. I don’t understand… I love my niece too, but it’s not all about her. =/ She’s also getting very abusive now in text messages and saying to my fiance ‘Too bad you won’t have any of your family at your wedding now because you’re so selfish'<br />All her life she’s been allowed to do what she wants and gotten what she wants… I feel this is more of a matter of her getting her way than actually about her daughter.
What should I do guys? I’m so upset and stressed out about this. We’ve been ignoring all the messages and phone calls but can’t do it forever. Any advice would be great… thanks.
Post # 2
b3lladonna: You told her the rules that all of your guests are expected to abide by. If she can’t accept it she doesn’t have to attend.
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
yup. ditto previous poster.
Post # 4
Yup.. she can either fall in line or kick rocks
Post # 5
You need to stand your ground on this. Try explaining again how you can’t make exceptions and everyone else has agreed to the ‘no children’ rule. Let them know you really want them to attend but that you aren’t going to budge on this issue. Just think, if you do let her bring her child, everyone that has been told not to bring theirs is going to be upset.
Post # 6
You can’t make exceptions for one person even if it is his sister. If your Fiance was desperate for the baby to be there then ok maybe but if he’s not then no stick to your guns!
As she has left the baby with the other set of grandparents before it does sound like she is doing this to prove that she can do it. Why would she want to drag a 7 month old baby to something like that it wouldn’t be fair on the baby upsetting her routine. Very few babies enjoy large groups of people around them and the music will be too much for someone so young. Plus drunk people and babies never mix!
I’d spin it in a your concerned for the well fair of the baby way rather then you don’t want her at the wedding. Bring up the upset routine. risk of injury from drunks, loud music can damage hearing. Make it seem as though you would love to have her there but they are being irresponsible suggesting it.
Post # 7
I know it’s tough, OP, but stick to your guns. Your future sister in law is being extremely immature, expecting to get her way and also breaking every possible etiquette rule out there.
1) If you give in now, you just set a bad precedent that will continue to haunt you after you’re married. She’ll keep on trying to steamroll you in other situations to get her way.
2) If you let the baby come, then you risk offending other guests who are already following the rules and not bringing children.
3) This chick is being emotionally abusive. I absolutely would not condone or reinforce that kind of behavior, and hopefully other people in your fiance’s family realize this and will call her out on it. If not, all I can say is don’t feel bad. She’s the one at fault.
I read these topics quite frequently as well because I know my SO and I will run into this same issue when we eventually plan a wedding. Stay strong, OP!
Post # 8
Eek. Sorry your FI’s family is being so difficult. Of all of the stressful things to plan with our wedding, making arrangements for children was probably the hardest for me to deal with.
I’m not sure if you’ll like this idea, but we allowed children at the ceremony and made our reception adults only. My sister’s children were flowergirls and pageboys but my Fiance felt strongly that the reception should be adults only. Ours, too, went until 12 and had loud music and lots of alcohol, and it really wasn’t the place for children.
If it were me, I might ask your niece to be “flowergirl” – make a fuss of her, get her a nice dress, keep the family happy, but stand your ground on her not being at the reception. It’s definitely a compromise on your part, but it might just keep the peace.
Post # 9
Sorry your FIL’s are being so difficult. If she were still breastfeeding, my opinion would be different, but she’s not.
She and your FI’s parents are trying to see if emotional blackmail will work. You do not have to get all upset about this. If you do, they have partially acomplished their goal.
Just calmly recognize their strategy for what it is, tell them you will not be able to accomodate the baby and you will miss them at the wedding if they choose not to attend.
Your Fiance can remind both his sister and his parents that the baby has been left with caregivers before and also tell them that he will be very hurt if they choose to prioritize the baby’s attendance over his wedding.
Post # 10
I’ve had the same situation although the kids involved are a bit older, they still are all under 13. We’ve made sure that the family knows they are welcome to the ceremony but will need to leave before the reception starts. It’s caused 4 months of abusive messages, phone calls and silent treatment but we’ve stuck by our decision!
The best bit of advice I’ve got so far is from our counsellor.. They are making the choice to act in a negative way, we’ve put the choice on them and said if you’re not happy for us then the choice to attend is yours. Whatever will be, will be. You just have to manage to be okay with what ever happens.
Post # 11
Stick to your guns and tell them they will be missed.
Post # 12
Thanks for all the insights guys… I really appreciate it. I still plan on sending her and her husband an invite to be nice but I have given up on having her as a bridesmaid (pretty unfair as now my fiancé has no one in the bridal party as my cousin is his groomsmen)
Post # 13
Your in laws are asshole. They want to parade around their cute little toy on your wedding day. Fuck that noise. Your wedding, your decision. Your SIL can stay home with her kid if she’s that butthurt over it.
Post # 14
We had a child free wedding. Like you we love children but it just felt more appropriate to allow people a ‘day off’, so to speak. I’ll just play devils advocate and point out that people should and will put their children first, a wedding pales into insignificance where peoples children are concerned so I would not have been surprised or offended to have recieved ‘no thankyous’ based on the child free aspect.
If you genuinely believe that it’s pure bad-mindedness driving the situation you can only stand your ground and not be shifted, although I doubt you will ever hear the end of it.
Post # 15
I totally support you in having a totally kid-free wedding if that’s what you both want and the ILs should back off and get over it.
That being said, I do disagree with the “you cant have any exceptions” part. It is your wedding and, just as you can do whatever you want in having it kid-free or not, you can do whatever you want in determining what kids should be invited. Just like you did with adult guests, especially since you wont have it kid-free on the invite. I considered my wedding “semi-kid free” as I didn’t invite my cousins’ kids, friends’ kids, etc, but I absolutely wanted my 6 nieces/nephews. I didn’t want 100 kids there, but I’m much much closer to those kids than the others. No one complained bc how could they compare my close-blood kids to distant or unrelated kids I hardly know?
So if you don’t want the baby there (and Fiance agrees), don’t and F anyone who doesn’t like it. If your only reasoning is that you can’t make an exception and, other than that, you want your niece there, then have her. Though I guess the drama the ILs caused, make it frustrating to seem like your are giving in…