(Closed) Another 'no kids allowed' wedding drama post

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 61
Member
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

They are so wrong.  A 7-month-old?  I have never even heard of anyone expecting that a BABY will be part of a wedding!  You are right, it is YOUR wedding.

Unfortunately you might have to give in, though, if they are threatening, etc.  But I would not have much to do with her afterwards, honestly, if you can.  She should be congratulating you and helping, instead of being a bitch.  Ugh, I am mad FOR you.

Post # 62
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

 

Mrs.Daly:  awesome, awesome, awesome! 

Op: I hope everyone will be able to forgive one another and come together to celebrate you and you fiancee’s union. This is supposed to be a joyous time. If I had children I wouldn’t want to take them to a wedding due in part I would want to celebrate with the couple. Good luck to you both! 

Post # 63
Member
12237 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

If this were anyone but immediate family, I’d agree with the previous advice to stand your ground. You were, of course,  within your rights to want  an adult reception. The parting line is usually “We’ll be sorry that you won’t be able to join us.” But this is a brother, and for whatever reason, this means a lot to him and to your future in-laws.  Is this really something worth ruining multiple relationships over? I don’t think so. 

You have  admitted that  if they had only asked differently, you would have considered allowing the baby. So my advice is to take a step back from the emotion of the situation before it gets even more out of hand than it already is. You are well within your rights to draw the line at children of immediate family, so fairness is not a question.

Personally, we invited children of siblings only.  Had the reception gone very late, I would have offered to hire sitters, but ultimately would have left the decision up to the parents. 

Post # 65
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

b3lladonna:  repeat: DO NOT GIVE IN. 

Post # 66
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee

You and your fiance need to take the high road and NOT respond to any text messages with rudeness or even defending yourselves and your decision any longer.  Just “kill ’em with kindness” but do NOT change your mind.  How would other parents present feel, seeing a 7 month old, after having been told no children??

Be classy and friendly in your responses (even if you want to bitch at them… I know I would).  Hopefully they get over themselves and show up anyway.

On another note… I do agree with them on the dinner.  You must offer a meat option.  Some people (like my dad and fiance) do not feel full after cheese, salad, etc. that vegetarinan options provide – they’d probably leave early and run through a fast-food drive through.  You must accomodate for all appetites.  Just because you and your fiance have been vegetarians for 3 whole years doesn’t matter.  For example, our family are ALL meat-eaters but we of course will provide a vegetarian option.

Post # 67
Member
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Thanks for the update. I admire you for holding your ground. I spent my wedding planning trying to be nice and accommodating only to have my Mother-In-Law complain anyway. Your wedding day may not be “the” most important day, but it is important and it is yours. If you give in where you should not, you will potentially never fully get over it. These people should be congratulating you and welcoming you, not being vile and hateful. They are so wrong and you deserve so much better.

Post # 68
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Listen I’ve tried to acocomodate requests and it really has only lead to more heachache. The problem is people will never be happy regardless. Do what’s best for you and you Fiance and the rest will fall in place.

Post # 69
Member
312 posts
Helper bee

b3lladonna:  My very unpopular opinion is you should make an exception for the one baby in the immediate family. As a mother of a 7 month old, I totally get her side. You said that the baby has only ever been left with your FI’s parents, correct? So it will be a huge emotional step for her to leave the baby with someone unrelated, assuming that all of his immediate family that the baby knows will also be invited to the wedding. I can say that I would be extremely hurt if my brother told me he did not want my son at his wedding. I would go along with it, and wouldn’t do any of the things she is doing, but there would be some very hurt feelings on our whole side. 

Post # 71
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

MrsVC2015:  I’m not trying to be disrespectful of your opinion, but I’m trying to gain persepctive on how it’s hurtful if one’s baby isn’t invited to a wedding.  I understand that motherhood involves a lot of feelings and hormones, but I just assume that the baby won’t remember and probably wouldn’t like the loud music/late night anyway.  

We’re having a child-free wedding because the venue is really not suited to children (lots of stairs, multiple levels with partial railings, antiques, no bridal suite/room for a baby and mother to get away if the baby is crying)  My feeling was that my toddler nieces won’t remember the wedding, but we certainly will remember if they’re tantruming during the ceremony, put hands in the cake (they’re not well supervised) or land us with a bill for a broken or damaged museum piece.  

It’s one of those issues where I certainly can see my side of it, but I’d like to understand where the hurt feelings come from so that I can be prepared if I end up with an uncomfortable situation. 

Post # 72
Member
312 posts
Helper bee

seeker:  Well, my brothers and I are close enough, and they love my son and we spend time together. The motherhood/baby emotions are definitely gone by 7 months, but I feel like we are a family, an immediate, close family. I am the only one with a child and I have one child, just like in this situation. I would definitely feel like it was personal and he didn’t want my son there which would therefore offend me. I would not expect it of any family other than my sibling because of the relationship we have. I also could not imagine telling my FI’s sister she could not bring her daughter (who we are close to) to our wedding. I know she would flip out and feel the same way I do. Like I said, if it were my cousin, friend, etc. the thought of bringing my child would never cross my mind, I just think immediate family is different.

I also think by the time they are toddlers it is a little different, especially if the parents are irresponsible. 7 month olds are active, but they aren’t running all over putting their hands in cake (unless it is on their parent’s plate).

Post # 73
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee

I feel you’ve been more than reasonable by offering child care at the event for your soon-to-be niece. I would be inclined to have your fiance explain to both his sister and his parents ONE last time the following: 1) this is your/his day, 2) this is not meant to be a slight, this is just your wish on YOUR day and while you regret not being able to come to a compromise–it is, in fact, your day and therefore your wishes take “front/center” consideration. These memories will mean the most to you two; a baby as part of the wedding party is not in your vision, 3) the presence of a baby while other children were not invited could be considered “iffy” etiquette and may hurt other guests–the good of the one does not outweigh the good of the many, 4) while it would be disappointing should any person decide to not attend for such a reason, especially since there would be no such day without the bride and groom, that you will do your best to understand their inability to attend. Stand your ground. I, too, am having a child-free wedding/reception and yes…I have been asked ludicrous things in connection with these wishes. But ultimately they are my wishes, I am paying for this, these are going to be my memories, and I want a quiet day. I will have my step-daughter’s presence for the rest of my life. She will be in the ceremony (as a flower girl) and then will take a few photos with us. After, she will have child care on the premises. Child care is a great compromise. I want my sit-down adult dinner. Period. I would regret no absence if it were on the grounds of my/our wishes, as a bride, to not have children on my/our day.

Post # 74
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee

In regards to the texts….don’t respond. What they are hoping to do is to get a rise out of you in addition to perhaps the added side effect of bullying you into saying “yes.” How would you feel NOW if you said yes? Better? Worse? Do you think you saying yes now after you’ve said no over a dozen times would be viewed kindly by the members of your FI’s family arguing this point? I don’t think so. I do not think this will be forgotten or dropped for some time to come. So again, stick to your guns. I think I read that no one is paying for the wedding but you two?? This serves to underline my point, as well. Sometimes, when parents or others pay they feel they have a stake in who gets invited (and sometimes that’s applicable etiquette). But especially if they are not paying, I fail to see why this has escalated to this point. If I were invited to a child-free wedding, I’d either see what I could do about finding child care, be thrilled if there were a child care option at the venue (especially since I could go check on my little one here and there), or regretfully decline. I wouldn’t bludgeon the couple for their choices. When they see you are standing your ground and no quantity of words will rattle you, the texts will stop.

Post # 75
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee

 

b3lladonna: I’m just curious what your FI thinks about all this? I am angry on your behalf. Somehow, this woman has turned a singular issue into an all-encompassing entity. Your simple edict of having no children at the wedding (something that many couples opt for) has been truly twisted into something personal.  I would be inclined to formulate one response and one only that I would repeat as many times as necessary until the silliness stops. Something to the tune of: We are truly sorry you feel this way. We did not take your request personally and had hoped you would not take ours personally. I can see based on your texts this is not the case. We are not having children at our wedding. This is our final decision. Our intent is not to exclude anyone but to honor our hearts and our wishes at our wedding on our day. Nothing more, nothing less. If you continue to feel this way, we will do our best to understand your absence. We hope you will reconsider. Otherwise, please do not trouble yourself attending an event you would hate.  I would be inclined to copy and paste this as many times as need be.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by  Gsxr06.

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