- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
I just leanred of another engagement, and am trying really hard not to degenerate into a pity party here at work, or have a freak out once I get home – Please don’t get me wrong, I am REALLY happy for this lady – she’s been through some rought tings, I think, and is a hard working new comer to our country, and now it looks like (I know this isn’t the reason she’s engaged) she’ll have an easier time applying for permamnent citizenship for herself and her daughter now, so I’m really happy for her.
But I’m having a yucky week with a stupid flu bug I can’t shake, I’m turning 34 Thursday, and I have a wedding to go to Saturday that I’m not 100% looking forward to because the bride is, well, not even certain she wants to get married at all – she doesn’t want to break up with her Fiance, she’s just wishy-washy about it, and has made HIM wait 3 years since he proposed to get on the ball, and even though there’s not wedding party – just her and the groom, her best friend from CA is flying in and calling the shots like she’s a Maid/Matron of Honor (even though I set up the dress shopping date and have been trying to make sure the bride has everything taken care of – she has no female relatives and our predominantly male friends are a little lost about some of thise stuff).
Meanwhile, I’ve wanted almost nothing other than to be married to my SO, so my friend’s little anti-wedding/marriage dance gets to me at times. I’ve been trying SO hard not to feel bad, and to be fine waiting till after both my birthday AND this wedding 2 days later passes before even thinking of showing my SO a few pics of rings I like as a “Hey, I know money’s a problem, but I do’t even want a diamond, so it’s within reach” prodding, if I can get up the nerve. He’s been sick, too, he’s nervous about Saturday as well, as neither of us knows how to help the bride when she gets into her crying jags, and he’s supposed to be IN another set of friends’ wedding come June (one of his reasons for not wanting to get married is his horrible anxiety disorder, making any time in front of people intolerable – but he said no to a JP?). I just feel like it’s everyone else’s time – always. I’m always just a couple steps away from what I want, but I need soemone else to make those steps – I can’t do it alone. I feel so old and unloveable. Part of this is the flu speaking, I know, I just do’t want to have this dicussion at home at all this week and need to get it out now. HA – I got introduced as his wife Saturday… and had to correct someone, again. Yay.