(Closed) Another possible dry wedding question!Plz help!

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: If you knew the wedding was only a dry wedding for a legitamate reason would you still hold a grudge
    yes-explain : (12 votes)
    18 %
    no-explain : (54 votes)
    82 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    717 posts
    Busy bee

    You have to do what you think is best.  This is a wedding, not a bar.  It can go on with no alcohol, it’s not a requirement.  Is it nice?  Yes.  would I still dance and have fun without it?  Yes.

    You have your reason, which is a damn good one, and be confident in that.  And if someone can’t get over the absence of alcohol, too damn bad.

    Post # 4
    Member
    57 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    In my opinion, there is an interesting lack-of-distinction that is often made on these boards between etiquette and personal taste, and it happens a lot out in the real world, too.

    Briefly – people who tell you it is poor etiquette or “rude” to not serve alcohol at your wedding at are wrong. Etiqeutte demands that if you are having your reception at meal time, you serve a meal. It demands that you do not tier your guests and offer some people special food or drink that you don’t offer to others (allergies/dietary issues aside). It demands that anything you provide for your guests you, and not they, pay for (ie, cash bars).  But it does not demand you offer alcohol.

    Not offering it will be against some people’s tastes and they might throw a fit about it, which is poor etiquette on their part, because a polite guest does not make demands on their hosts. Some people might leave early or not dance as much, and that’s something you should be prepared for, but it still doesn’t make you rude.

    I think it’s very thoughtful of you to be concerned for the health and wellbeing of your close family members who have a difficult time around alcohol. Their sobriety is ultimately their responsibility, but especially as it is new for some of them, or an ongoing struggle, I think you are being very kind.

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    1668 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I wouldn’t hold a grudge but if given a choice I would prefer a cash bar to no bar.  I’ve only been to one dry wedding and it did NOT go over well with my family.

    I don’t believe you’re being rude, inconsiderate, or unreasonable.  You have legitimate concerns.  Do what you and FI feel is right without considerations for those that will whine about your choice.   They’ll get over it! 

    Post # 6
    Member
    11760 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Personally, I don’t think it’s your responsibility to create an alcohol free environment for someone else’s recovery.  Part of recovery is learning to be in that environment.  That being said, it’s your wedding and you need to do what is best for you and your guests.  If someone is going to be upset about abstaining from drinking one night, it’s really not your issue.

     

    One of DH’s friends got married about a year ago. Both B&G are recovering alcoholics and many of the guests were people they met in AA.  They had an open bar and had also had a mocktail bar – the sign at the mocktail bar specifically said something about for those in recovery.  There weren’t any issues.

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    103 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I think you should have a dry wedding and not care what anybody says. Especially if you and your fiance don’t even drink. It’s YOUR wedding and what you’re doing for your familys sobriety is really sweet and considerate.

    Post # 8
    Member
    9692 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @kansas_nurse:  I don’t think alcoholics attending is a legitimate reason. Every day, alcoholics have the option to go to bars, every restaurant they go to serves alcohol, and there is temptation around every corner. The world doesn’t stop because you have an addiction.

    If you don’t want to serve alcohol, fine. That is up to you as the host. But don’t base your decision on someone else. Some people are addicted to food or to cigarettes, but I doubt you would prohibt guests from eating or smoking outside the venue to avoid tempting those people.

    Part of addiction is dealing with it every single day. But the majority of your guests are not alcoholics, so if you were intending to serve alcohol, than you should stick to that. I don’t think a dry wedding is rude, and I don’t think an open bar is rude. A cash bar though? Rude. Don’t ask me to supplement what you can’t afford (and I don’t mean “you,” I mean a general you).

    Post # 9
    Member
    2516 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    if someone holds a grudge against you for not having alcohol at your wedding, then they maybe they shouldn’t be invited. what kind of friend/relative would do that? they’re supposedly coming to the wedding because they love you/FH and they want to share that moment with you. they shouldn’t be holding grudges or getting pissed of about no alcohol.

    Post # 10
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @nmsa:  This, 100%.  And I’ll copy/paste my post from the other dry wedding thread:

     

    “Some of the posts are bringing back memories of being bullied over my decision not to drink.  Well, it wasn’t really a decision– most types of alcohol upset my stomach.  I do drink sometimes now, but only the things that don’t make me sick.  If those few drinks I can have aren’t available because the hosts are dudes who only ever have beer, I either don’t drink or bring my own alcohol.  BYOB isn’t an option at most weddings, so if I was at a wedding where only beer or hard liquor was offered I wouldn’t drink.  

     

    So I don’t think dry weddings are “rude” or boring at all.  Nobody NEEDS alcohol to have a good time.  They’re about the bride and groom, and if the bride and groom want a dry wedding that’s fine.  There might be less dancing, but that might actually be a good thing if you’re worried about your Uncle Joe flailing and pelvic-thrusting to Lady Gaga after a few too many beers. 

     

    If I heard someone complaining about the lack of alcohol at a wedding I’d serve them a nice tall glass of Shut The Fuck Up, with a double-shot of It’s Not Your Day with a sprinkle of You’re Acting Like A Spoiled Brat on top. Nobody is required to serve alcohol, nor is anyone required to consume it.  Frankly I think it’s extremely rude to leave when you find out there isn’t any alcohol.

     

    So there you have it.  It isn’t rude or in poor taste to have a dry wedding.  You should not ever have to justify your decisions for YOUR wedding.  If it was “rude”, I think in that case it would be FAR more rude to leave early just because of the lack of alcohol, complain to either the bride or groom about it, make snide comments, or INSIST that there be alcohol at the wedding.  It’s also extremely rude to say that dry weddings are boring and rude.  Alcohol is not a prerequisite to a good time, and anyone who insists otherwise is very narrow-minded and has a very unhealthy sense of entitlement.   

    Post # 12
    Member
    989 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I agree that this is about personal taste.  I don’t think it’s wrong or a breach of etiquette to have a dry wedding, a vegetarian wedding, a barn wedding, or any other number of options as long as you’re meeting your basic duty to provide plenty of good food and drink in comfortable surroundings.  I gladly attend any wedding celebration I can and I always stay for most of a reception even if it’s not to my personal taste.  That’s only polite.

    However, I might leave a dry wedding early if DH and I want to enjoy a few cocktails or I might leave a cocktail reception early if I’m still hungry and want to grab something else to eat before my only options are fast food.  (We’ve done both.)  I’ve heard some brides on these boards get upset at the prospect that people will leave early for similar reasons and it gets overblown.  Leaving early doesn’t mean I don’t love the B&G or that I’m not happy for them or that I’m a one-dimensional slag who can’t have fun without alcohol.  I’m just not required to stay at a party if I’m not having a good time.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2905 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @kansas_nurse: it’s not about ‘footing the bill’ to get your guests ‘shit faced’. 

    @kittyfinn:  Wow 

    The level of judginess from both sides on this subject is quite ridiculous. You have the right not to serve alcohol at your wedding and I have the right not to attend your wedding if I so choose.  Done and done. 

     

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    9173 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I agree with PP, I don’t think it is your responsibility to to have an alcohol-free environment for someone that has a problem.  Part of being sober in recovery is learning to handle situations where alcohol will be around.  It’s a part of life and you can’t expect to never be around it, they need to be able to handle being around it at certain points.  Alcohol is at football games and baseball games, it’s at the restaurant where you are eating dinner, it’s at the hotel bar on the beach, it’s at weddings.  As someone recovering, you can’t expect everyone to cater to you.

    My brother is a recovering alcoholic and I have a full open bar.  I am not going to cater my entire wedding and reception around him or anyone else.  That’s just how I feel about it.  I love wine, and my friends and I love weddings because we like to dance and celebrate.  I’m not going to not have that at my wedding all because of 1 or 2 people.

    I think you can make the call on whether the dry wedding is appropriate because you know their guests better than any of us.  All we can do is go with our own opinion based off of our own family and friends.

    I still think if you want to do a dry wedding you should do a brunch or lunch type thing and then just avoid it all together.

    I do think it’s rude and pretty sad that people equate drinking or an open bar to “getting shitfaced.”  Maybe if you are 21 and you have a bunch of immature, irresponsible guests (there’s one more reason I’m happy I didn’t get married at 21 or 22!).  But all of my friends are 27+ and they can drink (a lot, even) without making complete asses of themselves.

    Post # 15
    Member
    11273 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    You absolutely are not — at all — under ANY circumstance — in any way — rude for not providing alcohol at your wedding reception. Anyone in real life or on Weddingbee who tells you that you are is giving his or her own, uninformed opinion about what he or she thinks etiquette ought to be, not what it is.

    You do not need to justify your decision or to provide reasons to anyone why you have decided not to have alcohol at your wedding.  It’s perfectly fine for you to share these reasons if you so desire, but you have no social obligation to defend your decision.

    As long as you are providing some type of appropriate refreshments (a meal if your reception falls during a meal time, non-alcoholic beverages, etc.) for your guests, you are fulfilling your obligation as a hostess.

    My DH and I are not opposed to the consumption of all alcohol. However, the only alcohol we provided at our wedding was a choice of a single, small glass of champagne (non-alcoholic sparkling cider was the other option) for our toasts, and this was after an hors d’oeuvres hour where heavy hors d’oeuvres were served. We absolutely view alcohol to be the controlled, dangerous substance that it is, so we opted to have an “open bar” that featured a variety of sodas, juices, and iced tea.

    When hosts choose to provide alcoholic beverages at an event, they unfortunately are unable to police their guests. Yet, they are responsible for making available a substance that has the power to result in irreparable harm.  Brides and grooms attempting to not lose face with their friends who “want to party” may inadvertently be providing temptation to an alcoholic family member to fall of the wagon, or fuel for a guest who becomes verbally or even physically abusive with others when he or she drinks, or an opportunity for someone who may choose to get behind the wheel even after “only a few drinks” and ends up wounding or killing himself or herself or others. There is no way we wanted to take on that kind of moral, legal, or potential criminal liability just because some of our guests might be disppointed that they could not get “a drink” at our wedding.

    I am not attempting to criticize those who enjoy having a glass of wine with their dinner.  I am saying that there seems to be a great deal of ill-thought-out peer pressure causing conscientious individuals such as you and your FI to second guess their own better judgment when making this important decision.

    You have chosen very wisely.  Do not allow others to make you feel bad about your choice.

    Post # 16
    Member
    11273 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    Double post.

     

    The topic ‘Another possible dry wedding question!Plz help!’ is closed to new replies.

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