Post # 1
So I’ve been friends with this girl for about 5 years (hanging out here and there off and on) She’s pretty much my only friend in the town that I live in… My little boy is friends with her little girl (they’re both 3) Anyway….I had quit talking to her a few years ago becasue she was getting on my nerves bad. In the last 9 months her and I started speaking again and became even closer than we’d been before….so I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. She’s a really fun, goofy girl that I love to hang with…BUT…
Her and her husband have both been unemployed for a year (not looking for jobs either), they are on foodstamps, their Grandmother is paying their mortgage and all their bills, their mother is paying their cell phone bills. I bought her Maid/Matron of Honor dress, her rehearsal dress and her daughters flower girl dress….becasue she said they had no money. This was back when they both lost their jobs so I completely understood and offered to help out so that I could have her in my wedding….but since then she has done nothing to try to find a job….spends unemployment check the day she gets it, then asks me for money for formula for her son, money for cigarettes, etc. I have caught her “stealing” from me…it’s never a lot, but things like, I’ve caught her taking pullups from my son’s room and she tried to steal my bag of money when we did a yard sale together (she played it off like it just got mixed up with her stuff)… little things like this on a weekly basis. She’s ALWAYS scheming her family members to get things free or making them feel bad that she can’t find work and they are paying for everything…they have no idea she’s not looking for job….I found her two jobs and my neighbor offered her husband a great job…they never show up to the interviews!! They have actually said before…”If we go back to work, we’ll lose our foodstamps and unemployment before it runs up” She also said that her Grandmother said that if she started working she would have to start paying half her mortgage and she was sooo mad her Grandma said that! Is this normal behavior???? I was raised to take care of myself, never had anything handed to me…so this behavior is very concerning to me….scared to have her in my wedding!!
She called me up a few weeks ago bragging about having no bills and doesn’t understand why me and my fiance are so tight with money since he has such a good job…I got really mad about her saying this and told her my phone was dying and hung up (I’m a coward) lol
I haven’t answered her calls or returned her FB messages since….I don’t know if I should continue with this friendship (tell her how I’m feeling and hope she changes) or just end the friendship…. She has NO idea that I’m even upset with her.
Part of me actually feels bad for her because she was raised to be spoiled, so I don’t know if she just doesn’t know any better or if she’s just a con artist….. she’s 24, so she’s young but I don’t remember acting like this at 24!!
What would you do???
Post # 3
It’s amazing the number of grown adults who still mooch off their parents and anyone else who is willing to help them out. I think it is very mature of you to consider talking to her about your issues and not just ending the friendship. You should bring up the stealing thing too–I don’t care if you don’t have a job, it is always wrong to steal from a friend. Talk everything over with her, and if she’s still someone that you want to have in your life, then keep her in the wedding party.
Post # 4
this woman STEALS from you? oh HELL no.
i’d be honest. i wouldn’t mention anything about her issues with her family, cos that doesnt concern you, but tell her you flat out don’t trust her after the way she’s treated you and you’ve tried to be supportive of her situation (i.e. setting up job interviews), but she takes advantage of you (i.e. theft). you no longer feel this person is your friend and you no longer want her to stand up with you. it’s not like she’ll be out any money!
Post # 5
PPs are right. You owe this woman nothing. However, you owe yourself EVERYTHING. You come first, and although it’s hard to tell someone they are no longer welcome in your life, I think you’ll feel like a huge weight is lifted off your shoulders!
Post # 6
@Pomapoo: Thanks for the advice…I’m very non-confrontational and I’m having a hard time knowing exactly what to say and how to say it… lol
Part of me is angry that she has tried to steal from me, but then part of me feels bad that she feels she needs to steal from me (I would’ve given her pullups if she’d asked, ya know?)
Part of me is angry that she’s using our government and that my fiance works 50+ hours a week and pays a TON of taxes!! But then part of me thinks…well if the government is going to continue to extend their free benefits, what incentive is their to work??
I love hanging out with her when we are not talking about bills or money or our kids. If it’s just me and her at a bar we have a blast together…I just can’t get over how spoiled she is! Maybe part of me is jealous? Jealous that her family is willing to bend over backwards for her and I’ve had to bust my ass to get where I am… ? I don’t know….
My fiance does not want her in our wedding, he says that someday we’re gonna look at our photos and regret it. He’s probably right, if I feel this way about her now, how am I gonna feel 20 years from now??
Post # 7
Thanks ladies, you are all right, I really don’t OWE her anything. I’m such a wuss. It’s very hard being that she’s my only “friend” if I should even call he that…. All my girlfriends moved away after college, she was the one that stayed behind and had a family like I did…. this sucks. lol : (
Post # 8
So your friend with whome you’ve been nothing but supportive to is the same person that you caught stealing from you, has asked you for money while bragging about the fact she’s living off the state / relatives, and has embarassed you by not showing up to the interviews you set up for her (well, at least I would have been embarassed by that).
And yet, she’s your MoH and you’ve never confronted her about it. She thinks you two are still besties, while you avoid her and don’t answer her phone calls.
I hate to say it, but you kind of caused the situation by never being honest with her and asking her to be your MoH even though you already had problems with her!
You need to make a decision, if you want this person in your life or not (I’d say not). In either case, at least talk to her and explain that you do not approve her behaviour and find it very difficult to be supportive in those circumstances!
Post # 9
@Lexsy: You are right, and you said exactly what fiance has been saying. Although in my defense about the Maid/Matron of Honor thing….I asked her at the beginning of her unemployment…I had NOOO idea she would take it this far! I should’ve said something about her stealing…..there was one time she offered to pay for my sodas at the store with her foodstamps, I told her thanks but no thanks and she insisted she get them for me, she said “don’t worry about it, really” I said thank you and we went on our way….20 minutes down the road, she says “I wanna get my nails done and I dont have the money, hey how bout we make a deal…you pay for my nails and we’ll call it even for the soda I bought you?” WHAT???? I tried to end the friendship right then and there…I was floored! Her husband heard what happened and came to my house the next day and apologized for her behavior and felt terrible about it….the next day she leaves me a voicemail about how selfish she had been and how sorry she was, please don’t let this ruin our friendship, she’s gonna change…she’s gonna get a job and stop using me…blah blah blah….I f*cked up and gave her another chance and look where it got me!! I agree with you, it is my fault for allowing her to step on me like she does
Post # 10
@jenroh1984: i’m sorry, m’dear, but i also agree with lexsy. you have to take some responsibility here and approach her, otherwise you are enabling the behavior and setting the precedent that it’s ok to treat you this way.
Post # 11
End the relationship. I’m non-confrontational as well, but this is something you need to stand up for yourself. Heck, I wish I lived near you and could go do it for you because people like that anger me beyond words. And it’s why our government extending unemployment and doling out foodstamps like they were going out of style bugs me. I was unemployed for a time before this recent downturn but in a bad time in my field, I looked for jobs, I stayed home, I didn’t spend money (I didn’t have soda and get my nails done that’s for darn sure!) and I paid my mortgage and took classes and got a job…it didn’t pay what I needed but I sucked it up and cut back on expeneses (again, no nails!) and then found a little better paying job and worked a 2nd job for a long time to to be able to get by…oh and had a roommate. I now make decent money and I pay a heck of a lot of taxes and having people like that getting it all for free, especially at age 24, really, really irks me…
Post # 12
Someone who steals from you is NOT your friend.