Another post about waiting, ultimatums and relationships

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Post # 3
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I don’t know. Five years should absolutely be long enough to have an idea if a relationship will work in the long run. I agree with him 5 years of bad cannot be fixed in 2 months… I would argue it can’t be fixed by June either, but I don’t know the dynamics of the relationship.  I would just take it easy and try not to get too worked up. Just enjoy your relationship and the way it is going right now. Don’t push something that is not going to work because it will only cause heart break in the grand scheme of things. 

Good luck, bee. Focus on enjoying your relationship, not getting engaged.. it’ll happen when it happens (maybe June!). 

Post # 4
1197 posts
Bumble bee

I think you should give it more time and not push it. I have to agree with him. You’ve guys had had 5 years of bad in the relationship. I’m surprise you guys hung on to it for that long together. But you guys managed to worked through it and that’s amazing. If he’s been hanging on with you through the bad for 5 years, give him some time now that it’s actually good. Couple of months of good definitely doesn’t erase the many years of the bad, like he said. I think he wants to be sure the relationship stays its course. I’d say try going a year without bringing it up and if the relationship stays good, then maybe bring it up again. Don’t keep bringing it up and push in it on him. Otherwise, he could be thinking you’re trying to make it good just for a proposal. He probably wants to be sure you guys can handle it for a much longer period before propsal and marriage.

Post # 5
6664 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I agree with him. 2 months of good definitely does not erase 5 years of bad. 6 months doesn’t either. 

I’d take a step back and think about why you’re so anxious to get married. Is it because you truly love this guy? Or is it simply because you’re 31 and already sunk 5 years into this relationship?

Post # 6
2353 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with your Boyfriend or Best Friend and think that you need more time to figure out if you are compatible or if the relationship will just go back to the bad.

As a PP said, start concentrating on your relationship and stop thinking about the engagement.  

Post # 7
746 posts
Busy bee

2definitelymaybe :  I’m sorry because this is not what you want to hear, but I agree with your boyfriend that 2 months of good doesn’t outweigh 5 years of bad. I don’t think that 6 months of good does either. If you guys can have a good year, then I think you should think about engagement.

And I also think that being engaged for a year is smart, not just from a planning perspective, but to make sure that you are strong as a couple and better off together.

I understand that you are 31 and anxious to have kids, but you need a solid foundation and a strong relationship before you bring kids into the world. Kids are wonderful, but having kids is only going to make things more complicated and more stressful. And you need to build a solid foundation before you jump into that.

So I would say, enjoy the relationship as it is. Make it the best relationship that you guys can.

Maybe instead of getting married in Dec 2018, you can get engaged in Dec 2018 and married in Dec 2019. Obviously that’s not up to me, but that is the earliest timeline I would recommend.

As for now, stop thinking about engagement, and enjoy your relationship!

Post # 10
10389 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

2definitelymaybe :  

Be careful you’re not falling for the sunk cost fallacy.

You have invested five terrible years, including two breakups .  

Two months of ‘good’ out of five years is a fly speck.  What made everything suddenly change in March?  Is it genuine change or eggshell dancing?

You can love someone and be wildly incompatible.  Unfortunate, but true.

Something in the tone of your posts feels wobbly.  As if you’re trying too hard.  Real change is a process, not an event.

Your position on kids is concerning.  You say you want kids, but it’s not a dealbreaker.  Does that mean your bf doesn’t want kids?  Children are one relationship issue that truly cannot be negotiated.  If you want kids and he doesn’t yet you’re cavalierly dismissing the issue as a non dealbreaker, the net result will be a lifetime of resentment.

Post # 12
1365 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I am also surprised you two made it through these five years. Two breakups in the first three is extremely concerning – typically the first two years are a honeymoon phase. 

I guess my best advice would be to keep working on things slowly and see how they go from there. You need a lot of time to be sure the relationship is fully stable now.

Also, I wouldn’t worry about fertility too much. My mom had me at 36 and my brother at 41. You have time if you choose to go down that road.

Post # 14
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

In my experience, a good relationship with the right person is actually easy. Sure there can be hard times, but your relationship should not be exhausting, and yours sounds exhausting to me. 

A wise person once said to me, marriage is hard, but dating shouldn’t be. The fact that you guys have already gone to couple’s counseling and are spending time analyzing if your relationship is stong enough, is concerning. 

I agree with PP about waiting longer before getting egnaged. I hope your relationship continues with it’s stability trend so that you both can move foward when the time is right

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