Post # 16
If you’re only easing into a smooth period in your relationship, rushing to get married quickly so you can get to the having kids part is not a good move. It will put more pressure on you both, and it wouldn’t be good for the kid, either.
Keep going to counselling, enjoy each other, keep working at your relationship to keep things where they have been the past couple months. Make sure you understand what led to the rough spots and are both actively working not to do those behaviors anymore. Maybe think of your relationship from the past two months as a fresh start – you wouldn’t marry someone after just two months, would you?
It sounds like you’re on the right track and if you give it another year you could both be ready to take the next step. But if it’s too hard and it all feels like work, then maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you.
Post # 17
ITA. This relationship is just too hard.
Agreed that relationships hit rough patches, but that’s because life throws you curve balls, job losses, sick parents, broken water heaters, all of the normal major and minor stressors of Real Life that test relationships.
The relationship itself should not be the source of so much sturm und drang.
Post # 18
sassy411 : That’s a good (although not complete) summary of what we’ve been through already.
I am not asking whether this is or not the right relationship with me, thanks for feedback, but the focus of my post is venting and get positive vibes to help me through the moments of uncertainty 🙂 Simply because I don’t feel it makes sense to break it off now that things are finally working. If they go back to bad there’s no doubt, but that’s not the case at the moment!
Also, neither of us feel the need to keep doing couples therapy – and the therapist agrees that at this point we should only be going back for some fine tuning along the way, if needed.
Post # 19
I am concerned about 5 ‘bad years’ in a relationship and wanted to ask you to clarify.
Do you mean 5 years where external bad things happened (like deaths in family etc) or 5 years of where the internal relationship was bad (and maybe bad things inside like cheating and fighting etc)?
What were the major issues that kept things ‘bad’ for 5 years?
Post # 20
Honestly, I would be very leery of taking this relationship to the next level given the history.
I would give it at least another year or so and see how things go and then consider taking another step.
Post # 21
ozbee : No cheating, emotional or physycal ever happened for the full duration of our RS. We’ve had a rough start and I have always been a jealous person, which I worked on in therapy. We come from two polar opposite worlds and looks like we gravited toward each other but kept colliding. We used to have something like an argument every week or two, sometimes arguments would go over the top with name calling on each side – that, we also worked on and solved in therapy. We are both extrmely stubborn so power struggles would be quite common. Aside from that, we went through a number or unsettling external events (including two transoceanic moves for my job), deaths and unemployement. In the first few years we both didn’t know how to support each other, we’ve been learning by doing it but it’s been slow at times. Right now it feels like we’ve found a balance where we do know each other and know how to support and comfort each other still staying true to ourselves.
Post # 22
slomotion : Thanks for your feedback
Post # 23
Hi OP, any update to your story here? Hope your relationship has continued to get better!
Post # 24
2definitelymaybe : I disagree with the more time sentiment. You’re wasting your time. You are 31 and you want children. Relationships should not be that hard and the future of your relationship should not be punished for the road it took to get you where you are today, if you both are, in fact, happy, and want to be together.
YOU are ready to be engaged, get married, have children. He is not. You are not on the same page. You are giving him all the control over your future. Here’s the hard truth: he is 38. He does not want to get married to you. This is what you need to accept. And you really, if marriage and kids are priorities for you, need to see if someone else is out there who can give you what you want. It’s not that he does not want to get married: he does not want to get married to YOU, because apparently all he sees when he looks at your relationship is mistake after mistake. Happy endings are not built on this.
I highly suggest telling him that you need time to yourself away from him to think. You should separate. You need to make it clear that you want to get married and have children and if after 5 years he is uncertain about you, that’s all the answer you need, really. Don’t stay with someone because you are comfortable when they won’t give you what you want. It’s your whole life and you cannot get back wasted time.