(Closed) Anti-wedding FI?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Is he stressed about anything else? My Fiance was really stressed with something at work, and kept getting upset over wedding planning until we talked about it and the work situation got better. I also explained to him that it meant a lot to me that he was involved with planning even if it wasn’t important to him.

Post # 5
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Mine is more or less the same way.. He did finally go with me this weekend to look at a few venue choices only because I had one picked out finally & he didn’t like it based on the name! He’s said from the beginning its all in my hands.. Which is okay with me because I’m a control freak.. But I do want some input every once in a while.. We had a huge blow out last week about it because he says I’ve been talking about it too much & he wants one day with out any wedding talk.. Which I managed to do for 2 days!

 

Some guys just aren’t in to the whole wedding planning process.. And well I know that some of us can be a little over bearing about all the details.. I know I definitely could lay off it a little bit at least with him.. If yours is super stressed right now maybe the thought of having to think about, plan, and spend all the money is just even more on his shoulders & he just doesn’t want to or know how to deal with it right now..

Post # 6
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

My brother was that way.  He discussed the budget with my SIL and told her to plan it, just tell him when and where to show up and he’ll be there on time.  And, that’s exactly what he did.  I wouldn’t question his desire to marry you, it is a totally separate thing.  Hopefully, when things calm down for him a bit maybe he’ll be more interested. 

On the bright side, you always have the bees!  They will be my besties during planning because I don’t live anywhere near my good friends and I am sure my Fiance doesn’t want to hear about it all day! 

Post # 7
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Well, to be unethusiastic is one thing, but to forbid you from mentioning the wedding and the whole “I’ll just show up” attitude is concerning to me.

Your FI’s attitude is immature, to say the least. I don’t care if the wedding industry is heavily biased towards the bride. A wedding is a joint endeavor. It can be big, small, have collectible garbage pail kids cards for favors–whatever–but it is a joint endeavor. Period. Some couples might be comfortable with the set up of the bride doing all the planning, but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case for you. And since planning a wedding is a big job, if you don’t want to shoulder the responsibility yourself, then he should step up. This is an event to celebrate the two of you together and it should be a reflection of that. It is NOT FAIR for him to shove everything on you.

That said, you should talk to your Fiance and figure out what kind of event he would want. Don’t let him get away with behaving like a 10-year-old and saying things like, “I don’t care/doesn’t matter/I’m fine with the dog marrying us.” He has SOMETHING he wants. For example: at the very least, does it matter to him if his parents and family witness the nuptials? And maybe his dream really is just the two of you at the JOP–that’s fine, but YOU also have things that you want too. There must be a compromise and if he’s unwilling to meet you halfway, or even talk about it, that’s not a good sign. Plus–and I’m not saying this is him at all, but–there are a lot of guys who freeze up with wedding talk because it means that they’re…really going to get married. Either way, this is something that must be discussed between the two of you.

 

Post # 8
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Fiance and I just had this talk, probably right as you were posting. He has opinions and feelings on some things but not others, so if I ask him about something he doesn’t care about he just gets antsy and throws out the ‘whatever you like is great, babe’ line. Ugh!

After getting a bit upset, I explained to him how it is important to me to have a wedding that reflects us and what we both like, and that if I ask his opinion on something I really honestly want it. If he says he has no opinion, then there’s no complaining later when it’s not what he likes. That’s the deal. Just having a discussion about how much input he wants and on what topics was really helpful, as well as explaining to him why I was asking him ‘all these questions.’ They’re all decisions that need to get made, babe, just how much input do you want? 

Post # 9
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Wow….I’ve been dealing with the same thing.  My Fiance can’t wait to marry me, but he hates dealing with the whole wedding planning part of it.  He thinks it’s a waste of money.  It hurts my feelings…..But, He did go with me to pick out the venue and do the cake tasting.  It was just the other day that he said he can’t wait for the wedding to be over with, because he is tired of me buying wedding books every week and only watching so many wedding shows.  It always makes me sad, because it makes me think that when the day gets here, he is going to be thinking the whole time that he can’t wait for it to be over Frown

Post # 10
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@sheebsw:  I can guarantee you he won’t be thinking that.  He will be blown away and really love the day.

I don’t agree that a man is immature if he doesn’t want to plan a wedding.  Some men really don’t want a wedding and just want to be married.  I don’t think that’s a maturity issue, just an issue of disinterest.  I know women like this, they were really miserabl eplanning their weddings because they didn’t want one, their family etc. did.

Post # 12
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@NJmeetsBX: Lack of enthusiasm is one thing. But the immature part is saying, “Don’t mention the wedding in my presence.” That’s like putting your fingers in your ears and saying, “I refuse to accept that a wedding has to be planned. Lalalalala…”

Post # 15
Member
7405 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think alot of men are like this. They just have NO idea (nor do they want to know) all the details that go into a wedding. I don’t think it has anything to do with maturity level. I chalk it up to the men are from mars thing. Culturally most men do not spend alot of time thinking of their wedding day. They could care less its about the woman and saying the vows. Sometimes I wish I had more of that in me. Cause all this caring is driving me crazy.

Even my SO is like whats the big deal? He has no a clue. Along ago I realized that I have to make most decisions on my own out of respect of this temperment. He would much rather a JOP ceremony. A simple, wham bam, hey we are married cause that’s what’s important to him — the marriage, he doesn’t give a damn about the extras. And I kinda feel that way to sometimes to.

So I just share with him the bigger picture details and get a sense of its a detail that has importance to him, if not I handle it. Surprisingly, one thing that completely blew me away, he had a preference for a certain flower palettes. WWHHATTT? Don’t get me wrong, he’s 100% okay with whatever I decide, but I’m not one of those “its my day chicks”, so I do want to incorporate his ideas. 

Thats why I rely on your girls so much. I don’t bombard any of my friends or SO with details. 

Post # 16
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I exploded the other day and said that he has to help me pick the first dance song or I’ll pick something insane and it’ll be my dance and not our dance. Lol I will admit I was throwing a fit, but I’m so sick of it being all on me. He’s in Georgia right now so it’s hard to plan with him and there are some things he could care less about (flowers).

We made some progress tonight though! I got out of him that he wants chocolate somewhere in the cake, he was worried about whether or not I had invitations yet, when he’s getting his tux (he won’t be home until right before the wedding and if they fall behind on this job he’ll have to request that weekend off), he now knows where the ceremony is at and that we are having a wine ceremony (which he was excited about).

I know how ya feel ladies and I’m glad it’s almost over.

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