Post # 1
I just posted a thread about this not long ago about benefits and overall compensation packages and what other bees would do and a lot made very good points. So related to that post, fortunately Darling Husband is in the final stages of making the transition to a new job position with a new company. This is absolutely a win in many ways for himself and our family, it’s a position he has wanted forever and I’m truly and sincerely thrilled for him.
BUT… I cannot help but to already be getting anxious about this big change. I’m just anxious in general and asking all the “what-ifs” and “How will this be” and just constantly inside of my own head overthinking. Wondering how our day-to-day will be effected, our routine and questioning what’s going to be different and doing this dance between panic and thrilled and then back to just anxious and nervous. I couldn’t be more than thrilled for Darling Husband, but I will admit that I have had a few moments where I have lost sight of this very exciting new change and it’s been overshadowed by the “what now” and how will things change questions and scenarios I put into my head. Truthfully, I know I shouldn’t remotely be thinking these things as little to nothing will actually change, BUT if you can understand how anxiety is, it is hard to put those thoughts out of your head.
I do have an appointment with a counselor on the books. This is a new (to me) counselor and unfortunately, I’m not able to get into her until September. This is partly due to finances and insurance and a combination of her schedule, but nonetheless, I have an appointment and just knowing that is absolutely reassuring and calming. Also, like I’ve said, Darling Husband and I have had many good talks about this and I’ve dug deep and come to realize my anxiety and overthinking stems from me overthinking how my (our) routine will get “messed up” and THAT is what causes me to get very anxious.
I guess I’m just hoping for some helpful guidance from other bees who have gone through similar life transitions and had similar feelings of anxiety and can offer some reassuring words or wisdom. Have you ever delt with similar feelings? What helped you navigate through it – counseling, books, meditation, journaling, etc? I’d love to hear about it and see what I can do in the meantime to help relax my mind until I get into counseling (which I’m actually really looking forward to). I realize anxiety can come on by any big life change so if you had similar feelings about having kids or moving… please share what helped you get through that as well. I’m really looking for helpful thoughts, there’s no need to be harsh here.
It’s only been recently (within the past few years) I’ve really taken control of my anxiety and know how to deal with it a lot better, and part of that is being able to talk about it and bounce my thoughts off of an outside 3<sup>rd</sup> party. I absolutely do talk about my feelings to Darling Husband, but I also don’t want to bombard him either as he’s also under some stress navigating this new job opportunity.
Post # 2
kmbumbee190618 : I would ask if that counselor has a cancellation list so you can get in sooner
Any major life change is going to cause anxiety. It’s totally normal.
Anxiety disorders magnify the normal anxiety by like a thousand. I was looking for my current job for about six months using two recruiters and job sites. When I got hired, I became so anxious that I started throwing up and had no appetite. That’s my anxiety go to, my appetite disappears and while I don’t throw up as much anymore, I get the other gi upset.
A counselor will help you find ways that work for you to maintain your anxiety levels. They do sound pretty heightened, above an average level of anxiety.
Self talk helps me out A LOT. Also just knowing and accepting that I’m having a hard time helps me. When I get obsessive thoughts or loud noises make me jump out of my skin, or my heart starts to race, or I start to think “omg husband didn’t answer the text I sent a few hours ago, he’s been killed in an accident and I’m the widowed mom of a three year old” I see it, I acknowledge it, and I think… WOW, it’s going to be one of those days where my anxiety is heightened. I’m going to focus on keeping my thoughts under control and I’m not going to make any major life decisions until I feel better.
You know that you’re anxious and you know that your anxiety is at an unreasonable level. Keep telling yourself that your anxiety is heightened and do things that relax you.
Also, deep breathing exercises. Deep breaths in through your nose and slowly out of your mouth slow your heart rate and can put you in a calmer state. Do them when you’re lying in bed before falling asleep, take a few deep breaths throughout the day, and take those deep breaths when you feel like you can’t get out of your own head
Post # 3
I don’t have anxiety to the same level as you, but I have been through significant life changes in the last 12 months (moved continents, bought a house, SO changed jobs, I transferred to a new office, got pregnant…) so I can tell you what worked for me when I started getting stressy about not being able to plan/predict everything.
1. Mindfulness / light meditation – I used the Headspace app. It was helpful for regrounding me in the moment and helping me acknolwedge concerns/fears without emotionally reacting to them
2. Repeating the mantra “Cross that bridge when you come to it” – I’d remind myself that not enough information was currently available to make a decision. Knowing what information was missing was helpful because then I would say “Once we know x, y, z then it’s time to cross that bridge”
3. Reminding myself that SO and I have the core skills to navigate changes. In combination with (2), I’d remind myself “Well if X happens, SO and I will sit down together to look at the budget and what needs to be jiggled there” (as an example about expense stresses).
4. Becoming aware of potential solutions for most probably scenarios. What if our commute keeps us out of the house for 8+ hours? check dog walking services. What if we can’t find a house in the first 3 months we’re back in the US? Budget out extended accommodation options.
Change is always scary – but stay confident that you have the life skills, relationship skills, and problem solving skills to navigate change even if you don’t know exactly what it will look like!
Post # 4
Make a list of all the positive things associated with your husband’s new job, no matter how small. When you start hyperventilating and your brain starts churning, pull that list out and keep reading it out loud while taking deep breaths. Add new things to the positive list as they come up. Think of ways the new schedule will make things better for you. Basically, every time you start fretting, dsitract yourself by forcing your brain to only think about the good things. That can help to push out the anxiety.
Another trick is to schedule time for your anxiety. Don’t laugh! It works! Pick an hour where you can just sit there and let your anxious thoughts out, say them out loud. When that hour is up, you get up and do something else. If anxious thoughts intrude during the day, stop, remind yourself that you have an hour at 6pm (or whatever) to worry about it, but NOT NOW. Over time, gradually reduce that hour to 55 minutes, 50 minutes, 45 minutes, etc., until you don’t need it anymore.
Post # 5
Sansa85 : I am on a wait list. I could’ve gotten in sooner to see an intern counsellor but my GP doctor actually recommended this particular counsellor so I really want to stay with her. Her reviews on google, other websites, etc are really great so I’m optimistic. Fingers crossed I can get in sooner, I’m trying to see if I can’t try to be fitted in for a session over my lunch break possibly, so hoping that works to get me in sooner as well!
Great advice and the way you describe your anxiety definitely is relatable, not so much the getting sick but I do get way too worrisome and my heart races for sure. I’ll be practicing the deep breathing which seems especially helpful if I’m at work or something! You always give great advice here on the bee. Thank you!
TravelingBride31 : Thank you, very helpful tips.. and I can identify I struggle the most with #4. Hoping seeing the counsellor will help with this because I tend to WAY overanalyze the “what ifs”. Darling Husband does a great job of helping me with that with the “cross that bridge” mantra, but I still get way into my own head. I will look into the meditation apps. I’ve never been into it, but I know my Apple Watch offers the “breath” app for deep breathing that may help me out some.
izzabella : Wow, this was actually very helpful and I could see myself doing this and it working for me… absolutely will be jump-starting these tips asap, like NOW, haha. My best friend suggested journaling and said it worked for her really well when she was in between therapists. She liked that it was her “safe space” to jot down all her thoughts and in any way she wanted, so I think I’m going to do that in combination with what you suggested.. write down what’s on my mind but list the positives that shows I have nothing to worry about. As far as the time to be anxious, I can already think of a great time to do this for myself and not laughing at the suggestion because I often already find myself needing to have “me” time to decompress from say… hosting a lot of guests, I enjoy getting away to calm my mind down.
Post # 6
How is this job turning your life upside down? Is he working a totally opposite schedule than you or in a dangerous position or something?
Post # 7
DogsAndWine : It isn’t turning our life upside down, I actually said it’s going to be a very forward move. Apologies if there was some confusion, but I definitely didn’t say it was turning our life upside down I just said that this new position would change our current routine a decent amount. I already am a very routine oriented person and last minute or sudden changes are very hard for me to adapt to, and I fully admit this is an area that I need to work on.
The new job actually is 100% different than DHs current area of work, different location (not relocating but longer commute), different hours and different benefits. All of these things combined are much better for him and us. It’s hard to say before he starts what the day to day is but there will be changes. I’m struggling hard with letting all of my “what if” anxiety overshadow the very happy thoughts and excitement about this.
And yes, it actually is a more dangerous position. Without going into too much detail he is essentially moving from one area of a labor role to a different one (absolutely different and bigger company).
Post # 8
Deleted for repeated post.
Post # 9
Little update: I managed to move up my appointment with the counselor to next week! It works out to be perfect timing before I leave on a girls trip the day after. I know the first appointment is just information gathering, but I think it will still offer me a huge sense of relief. The only thing I am trying not to stress about is the cost. I’ve got a higher deductible plan, so I do have to pay for sessions out of pocket until I hit that. I just keep telling myself this is an investment in myself and it will pay off and be worth it.
I’ve taken a lot of advice here to heart, so thank you.