Post # 1
So I’m having some issues and wondering what everyone else would do in this position. We’re getting married on October 7 in NOLA, and we have most of our stuff figured out but haven’t put down official deposits or made payments on anything.
Now, I suffer from severe anxiety and have also had a very bad past experience with a failed engagement where he walked out a month before the wedding (much different situation and definitely a much different guy but the worry stuck with me that nobody would want to marry me). I didn’t think i wanted to do marriage after that, and if I did i wanted to elope. When I met my now fiancé I knew pretty quickly I wanted to be with him, and my secret wish was to go on a weekend trip and get married just the two of us. I’ve been in therapy since and he comes with me often, so we’ve talked through many of these issues, but this one is really just tough for me to figure out.
We compromised and decided on a family and close friends only destination wedding because he felt it might be rough for me to miss out on this event because of a past bad experience and wanted me to have all the fun stuff, but I really haven’t been having a good time. I’m so anxious always. I worry about him changing his mind, planning even a small event is stressful, and even with it being this little there are arguments and drama from family or friends who don’t like how we’re doing things. I cry a lot and feel like I just want it over with, which is NOT how I want to feel about a wedding! But I’m worried that by October, I’ll be even worse off and not even happy at all.
He told me if it ever gets to be too much and I’m really not happy that we can cancel it all and elope, but i don’t know what to do. Deep down that is what i want but i don’t want to disappoint him or everyone else, and the party we’re planning does still sound like fun even if it’s not what I initially wanted to do. I’m not sure if this is a “good” stress that I need to push through to make myself stronger or if it’s a bad one that I need to tap out of for my mental well-being. I want to be with him – I’d marry him in an hour with nothing if he wanted. But this is all just a lot for me.
Post # 2
- Wedding: August 2019 - City, State
I definitely want to say do what makes you comfortable. If you are uncomfortable having even a small wedding and really just want to elope, you should be able to do that.
However, I do wonder if you think your anxiety will flare up after the fact, with people’s reaction to your elopement. You will likely encounter friends and family that are upset you chose that route. There is just no way around it. Will you be able to deal with loved ones giving you grief over your choice for years to come?
I of course do not want to pressure you into anything, just keep your mind open to the idea that by eloping, you are going to upset some people, and have to explain yourself to them. They may resent you for years and hold it over your head. For myself, I know that would cause a lot more anxiety than doing a smaller wedding so I could celebrate my love with my closest friends and family.
Post # 3
We got married just the two of us and a justice of the peace. Zero regrets. No one was mad either even though I’m an only child and my husband has a large family that does celebrations. They respected our wishes. End of story.
Post # 4
im really into vacations so ide opt for elopment and a honeymoon. you can still have a reception when you get back if you please. a little back yard shin dig with you close loved ones who will not judge you
Post # 5
pineappleprincess92 : I cry a lot and feel like I just want it over with, which is NOT how I want to feel about a wedding! But I’m worried that by October, I’ll be even worse off and not even happy at all.
Sweet Bee. Do what you need to do to be happy and comfortable. If that means the two of you get married on your own now and celebrate in October with the reception you’ve planned so be it. Hugs.
Post # 6
OMG you’ve described my sitatuation. I don’t really have an answer for your, but just want you to know you’re not alone, and that I’m actually reading people’s answers to your posts to figure this out myself. But i will say, the did overcome a bit of the anxiety of him leaving by just finally convincing myself to take a leap of faith. I love him with all my heart and soul, and the anxiety just took away from those feelings. There’s always the risk of getting hurt and being left, but I think you’ll be pleasantly suprised by just letting him love you and you loving him as you both are. like you do with your best friends. But i’m still working this out too, so take it all with a grain of salt. lol. But Good luck and thanks for your post!! Sending warm thoughts and love.
Post # 7
Thank you all for the sweet advice. My mom actually talked to me and suggested doing a secret civil ceremony (and not even telling her haha) and then continuing the October plan as normal. The more I think about that, the more I like it, and she brought up the very good point that my 20 y/o brother is officiating and she has concerns that he won’t do his entire due diligence to make sure it’s legal. (I love my brother but I see where the concern comes from there).
He says he’s happy either way and just wants me to do what’s best. He suggested bringing it up in therapy this week and going from there. It does say a lot to me that he’s apparently willing to marry me right now…
Post # 8
That’s great bee! A big wedding isn’t necessary, especially if it is stressing you out this much. I think it’s a delightful idea to get married now and then throw a small reception later 🙂 you can still have everything you want and a lot less stress and anxiety! And your mom is already on board with that idea which is awesome. Do what feels right for you. And it’s great that your SO is on board as well!
Post # 9
Do what you want to do! I never wanted to elope but have a small party, but now everything I actually want to do is to run away hahaha
Our wedding is only 3 weeks away, but the stress with his family and culture difference (I’m Swiss, he’s Mexican) have gotten me to a point where it – sorry – p*sses me off. The culture difference are not between me and him, but with his family. I could write a book about it. And my big problem is, that I want to pleas everyone and in the end I forget about myself. I would never ever do it like this again.
So, the bottom line is, that your family and everyone that is close to you, will respect your decision and maybe some will be taken aback, but they’ll survive it.