Member- vanilla frosting
- 7 years ago
- Wedding: September 2011
I couldn’t really think of another title for this post and I’m not entirely sure WHAT I’m looking for with it… So here’s the backstory.
I am a pretty outgoing and bubbly person. I get along with a lot of different people and do well in crowds. That being said, I have always struggled with my self-esteem. Ever since I can remember (middle school, maybe?) I have been self conscious about my weight and my appearance. I HATE the gym, but I eat relatively healthy.
When I was in high school, I had a bout with an eating disorder. I was never diagnosed by a doctor, but I know enough now about it that that’s what it was. I wasn’t eating (which slows your metabolism) and would take ephedrine diet pills to speed it up. I lost about 25 lbs from my 5’8″ 140 lb frame. I was tiny. I looked sick… my parents thought I was on drugs (well I guess I was, but not the kind they thought). This was precipitated by kids bullying me, calling me a “fat cow” just to torture me. One kid even photoshopped my yearbook photo onto a cow’s body and passed the picture around the school (no, seriously).
I eventually got through it with the support of my family and close friends. Then later on in high school, my parents both had scandalous affairs. I was unfortunately old enough to know EVERYTHING that went on. The whole situation was really messed up. My mom cheated with the man who built our house. My dad cheated with a woman my parents went to high school with… and I babysat her kids. While she was out with my dad. I know. So I saw a therapist and was pretty depressed and had a lot of attention seeking behaviors.
Surprisingly, I got through that too. I have become a pretty well-adjusted adult (IMO). I still have my demons and I do my best to keep them at bay. Recently though, I have been getting panic attacks. I probably get three or more a week. I can’t focus, I can’t breathe, I can’t work… I have also LOST my libido (if you’ve seen it, please let it know I miss it). I also have this unsettling need to be and do everything. Many people call it ‘Type A’. In some aspects, it’s good. I work hard and am good at my job and at balancing multiple things on my plate at once. However, sometimes it can be a bit too much.
I am starting to feel completely overwhelmed with all of the things going on in my life right now. I went to the doc yesterday… and she asked me what could be triggering stress in my life at this point. I told her that I am planning our wedding, on top of that we are paying for about half of it. We are 6 months out and really don’t have a lot accomplished. Fiance is a real estate agent and works really hard, but he has only made about $750 since late December. Everything else, has been on me. I don’t make a lot of money so it’s been really hard to keep us afloat. We are in a LOT of credit card debt, which we have been paying off and not using the cards, even when things are tight. My grandparents are ill and aren’t taking proper care of themselves, which is frustrating. They refuse help and expect everyone to come at the drop of a hat when they are sick. Work is getting busy, but it’s not overwhelming. However, I work with infants and toddlers who have developmental delays (anything from medical issues, to autism, to something “fixable). I keep having these horrible ideations that I am going to have children with problems. I know I shouldn’t internalize my job, but it’s getting really hard not to. Fiance gets upset because I have negative thoughts, but I can’t control them.
The doc sugested therapy to give me some coping strategies for when the stress gets to be too much. They also prescribed me xanax for when I do get a panic attack. I am hoping that this helps. Like I said in the beginning… I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here. Somehow, writing about it and getting it all out there has made me feel a little bit better and a little bit anxious… Here’s to hoping.
If you’ve gotten through this post, please reward yourself with something! You totally deserve it.
