(Closed) Anxiety over future in-laws hating me

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Mrs. Harmony: Well that is just horrible. Who says things like that about a autistic child? That just breaks my heart.

BUT back to what you should do. I think your Fiance needs to put his foot down. He lives, eats, sleeps and has choosen to spend his life with you and he needs that to be known to the family. And your child should NEVER be excluded! That isn’t right at all.

That’s the only solution I can see :/ It is something that really needs to be talked about before marriage. It doesn’t have to be a mean conversation… just a matter of fact conversation and they will either go one way or another

Post # 4
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry, but this sounds a lot like the feeling shut out thread. Please be sure you are ok with being excluded from him family for the rest of your marriage before marrying him. I know that sounds harsh, but maybe you should read that thread as a precaution.

Post # 5
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@redheadem: I have to somewhat agree. Just please be certain that this is what you want for the rest of your life. It is 100% true that when you marry someone, you marry their family as well. You WILL have to deal with this for as long as your SO is in your life, or as long as he chooses to have them a part of his life.

I would really have a heart to heart with your SO about how you feel. Shoot, I would even go as far as taking his mom out to lunch and having a little chat. (I am very confrontational though, so this option is not for everyone.) I wish I could offer more advice. It’s awful the way they are treating you and your child. I can’t believe people like this even exist.

EDIT: I just remembered that you said you offered to take her out or coffee. Has she accepted? If so, have you actually talked yet?

Post # 6
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I feel like most of us already told you, this really isn’t going to lead anywhere good. Your SO is not putting you first by standing firmly with you and taking your side. He is continuing to have a relationship with them that excludes you. Sorry, that’s not something your future husband should be doing, and it’s certainly not “healthy.” Is fighting all the time about this and him allowing them to exclude you and your SON healthy? Hint: it’s not.

You don’t really seem to be open to people’s advice about that though, so I fear you will have to learn this the hard way… and I wish you lots of luck, sincerely.

Post # 7
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@Mrs. Harmony: This is a really sad situation. I agree with redheadem you should think about the type of life you are subjecting you and your son to. Your Fiance will never disown his parents for you and you can never ask him to do such. You will continue to resent him for loving and having a great relationship with his family. They will never accept you or your son because they feel you are not good enough. These feeling will NOT change once you get married and it has already began to ruin your relationship with SO. I’m saying these things not to be harsh but to point out the obvious, they will NEVER accept your son and will mistreat both of you. Is any man really worth that? If you want to subject yourself to years of pain and bitterness, its fine because you are an adult. However, your son does not deserve to be treated like crap. You have some decisions to make missy. I’m so sorry this is happening.

Post # 9
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

“The thought of my SO being 20 minutes down the road, having a great time with his siblings and parents, while I am home alone makes me feel like a piece of garbage.”

I would tell him this. Let him know how much this is hurting you, and if he cares about and prioritizes you he’ll find a solution.

Post # 10
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Ugh that is horrible. I can see the road you are headed down and really want to spare you the pain. In some respects I have been down it and it does not tend to end well. Please before you get married will you do some intensive premarital counseling? I don’t mean with a pastor I mean with a licensed therapist. Dealing with Autism is hard enough without adding the in-law problems on top of it. If you and SO are on using the same playbook you have every chance of winning the game but if you are playing from different playbooks what are your chances of succeeding? This issue isn’t a death sentence to your relationship it just is something that you guys will need professional help addressing. I want to see you and DS as happy and as healthy as can be. I am here if you ever need to talk 🙂

Post # 11
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Yep, like so many said in your original thread, now is the time where your SO will figuratively make it or break it – and it seems like he’s breaking it. You “shine together”, which is great, but what about when he’s with his family? Or even when you’re at home fighting about his family? They are going to be a huge, divisive issue that’s a little 20 minute jaunt down the road. Bottom line: If he was so bitter, angry, and resentful of the way they’ve treated you and especially your son, he wouldn’t be racing off to abandon you on holidays to see them. He should be your rock & support, 100%, never failing, having your back at all times against the world (and his family in it). Aren’t you his family now?

I truly hope that you end up happy, in a whole and complete relationship with your son, your SO, and his family – but if you don’t, I hope you put your son and your own well-being at the forefront, rather than live like the family rejects. That can only breed more resentment in you as well as hurt & confusion in your sweet son.

Post # 13
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t understand why you can’t talk about your relationship with her. Just because she doesn’t want to? If you want to stay with your SO after all he and his family have put you through (which I would advise against), you HAVE to talk about it with her whether she wants to talk about it or not.

Post # 14
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Mrs. Harmony: Why are you “not allowed” to talk about it? Who is telling you you are not allowed?

Girl, you need to assert yourself and be that strong woman that I know is in there! Stand up for yourself and your son and let them all know that you will not tolerate their behavior. You and your son don’t deserve that crap!!

Post # 15
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

@redheadem: Exactly. Furthermore, this shouldn’t be OP’s problem to fix. It’s her SO’s problem.

Has he told his parents that the 2 of you are talking about marriage? Maybe that would drive home the point that you are not just a Girlfriend that they can ignore and you’ll go away, that you guys are serious and one way or another they’re gonna have to deal with the fact that you’re in their son’s life.

Post # 16
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Double

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