Anxiety over losing friends

posted 3 years ago in Wellness
Post # 2
Member
1553 posts
Bumble bee

Hi, I just want to say ive been in this situation too (group of 12) and its tough being the first person to leave and see everyone else continue but trust me there is no point trying to stay in a group that you dont feel like you belong to. You owe it to yourself to make closer friends who actually take the time to want to come to your birthday! But also if they are like most groups, overtime many of them will drift away from each other too. A group of 15 is extremely difficult to plan around and stay close as you get older. Firstly they will stop going out so much, a few of them might move for work, one or two will get married or have children and they meet up less and less. Eventually only 5 or 6 might make the effort to keep in touch- if even that many. My high school group is now down to only 3 who actually still meet up and 4 of us live in different countries. Its sad to feel that you have said goodbye to what was such an important time of your life but you have naturally grown apart from them and theres nothing wrong about that. No one did anything wrong or hurt each other, so when you see photos of them or old pictures, remember the good times and the impact they had on your life so that you can be the person you are now. I wish my old friends the best of luck in all their new lives and I smile when I remember the times with them, but I know that leaving the group was for the best. 

Post # 3
Member
7201 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

claire16 :  While I didn’t have a big group that I left, I did end a very close but toxic friendship with a lady I had know for almost two decades. She has remained close with a mutual set of friends. I think it’s fair to say that she is now closer to them than I am for various reasons. It’s been something like five years maybe since this friendship dissolved and every once in a while I do still get upset when I see that our mutual friends made the time to see her but not me or something like that. Some jealousy or feeling of missing out is normal, but ultimately I know I am so much better off without that friendship in my life. 

Honestly, if ZERO out of 15 of your “close friends” came to your party, they don’t seem like great friends. Especially since it sounds like most of them didn’t even bother with an excuse. I am also an ambivert and I find one-on-one friendships so much easier to navigate. At one point I partied regularly with a group of about two dozen, but even when the group dynamic was to roll deep all together, I still ended up spending more time texting one person at a time or going to much smaller dinners and such. That group has mostly disbanded with only little clusters remaining close, but I feel much more comfortable that way and really enjoy the twosome or threesome dinners and such. You have to do what’s right for you. 

Post # 4
Member
17 posts
Newbee

I’ll be honest (and this might be harsh, but you seem to want honesty). The other girls in that group probably wanted you to leave and were glad when you did. Lots of friend groups from school end, just because people change and aren’t as compatible/close anymore. They probably were trying to slowly ease you out but didn’t want to be rude and outright tell you they didn’t want to hang out with you anymore.

 

And, again, more honesty, I think that letter you wrote is really weird and I cringed while reading it. If some old, kind of distant friend sent me that, I’d be so embarrased for her and glad things were over. It’s way too much Too Much Information, and even though you keep saying you don’t blame them, you’re clearly trying to call them out for not RSVPing (so petty) and not knowing about whatever you’ve been struggling with (after you chose not to tell them). It just strikes me as really awkward and overdramatic.

Anyway, to answer your questions, please stop obessing over this. The friendship ran its course, it seems like it was a mutual decision all around. Go forth and make some new friends you’re more compatible with. At least now you know you’re better with small groups/one-on-one

Post # 8
Member
20 posts
Newbee

Quality is better than quantity when it comes to friends. I know that it’s tricky but try to move on, you will make new friends. ❤

Post # 9
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee

claire16 :  I think that was a courageous message to write. I’m not in a ‘group’ either and not in contact with most of my friends from school. They were wonderful people to grow up with but I am nothing like the girl I was in school, I have nothing in common with them anymore. It’s natural to mOve on from school friendship groups. I have more one on one friendships too rather than a group who all hang out together. I too don’t like socialising in large groups, so I know exactly what you’re talking about. I’m happy with my one on one friendship dates. It was the right time to move on, and you’ll be happier for it.

Post # 12
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

claire16 :  I had some friends that always made me feel left out. I was invited to probably 1 out of 5 things they did and then during that 1 time they would mention all the other things they did during the other times and I just always had this feeling of, “Wait, when did they do that?” It hurt my feelings but I didn’t say anything. The friendship fizzled out after 8 years and I dived into my church community and found a thriving sisterhood of women that never make me feel that way and I love each of them so much. They are positive and uplifting and we are family. Sometimes there is pruning in your life and it’s ok to let it go.

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