- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
As I write this I’m laying in bed with so many thoughts going through my head.
I wanted this this more than anything and so did he – I knew what I was getting into and how I am still battling health anxiety/hypochondria.
Im selfishly petrified of the possible complications and worst case scenarios that could happen. For so long I try to “control” my surroundings and gain knowledge about health related issues while not being pregnant – and now I’ve given up all the reigns and allow life and fate to run their courses. Unfortunately, in doing so, in my anxious mind I’m letting the probability of something actually happening or whatever get to me more than I would normally.
Being pregnant there is always a certainty. You will certainly have doctors visits , tests , hopsitals (cringe) etc.
but there’s also c-sections, labor, diagnosis of something serious that could harm me and/or our baby.
I honestly feel like a failure. When I was pregnant at 21 (I’m now 28) i was clueless to the facts od pregnancy I had no care in the world and had very little anxiety. Just goes to show that sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Not knowing and not being in control is a part of life. And even more so in pregnancy. I need to accept that and also try to relish and enjoy the life growing inside of me that my husband and I created out of love.
Millions of people give birth. But I stupidly think of statistical outcomes of having certain issues. Arise. this is the mind of a health anxious person.
Examples of issues in my mind are: needing a c-section, hemorraging, pre-eclampsia, diabetes, high Bridal Party (mine gets high under stress but is otherwise normal). A placental abruBtion. All things I probably wouldn’t have given a second thought if I didn’t read up on them.
My my heart was racing 114 bpm last night. I barely got good sleep. My Bridal Party was high because I was worrying. (Yes I have a Bridal Party monitor).
Im scared of hospitals since I’ve never been for myself (it’s the unknown) doctors make me anxious. I hate taking medicine.
i feel like I don’t deserve to be a mother.
I see a therapist and I’m otherwise fine. i work full time. we have money and a good support system. I only get anxious about health issues Or what I think is or could happen to me. Not anything more than that really
Anyway thanks for listening to me ramble. as I typed this I slowly felt less Anxious. Im also on my iPhone so sorry of this is all screwy.