- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
For as long as I can remember I have been a worrier. My immediate family always knew me as this in my childhood. I also suffer from fear of vomiting, which has been around for as long as I can remember as well, but has gotten better since I was a kid.
Entering high school I started having social anxiety around groups of people and began having panic attacks. When I got to college, the panic attacks became more frequent and worse, anxiety was high and depression set in. I decided to seek help on my own, and for the past three years have been on Celexa (highest dose of 60 mg for a year) and Klonopin (as neeed, highest taken 2mg). I’m currently weening off the Celexa EXTREMELY slow, over a year and a half and I just recently dropped to 5mg.
This is a long story short. But overall, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and Purely Obsessional OCD. I used to have thoughts (but they’re just thoughts….right? :/ ) of stabbing my mother with knives, picking up a knife and stabbing my FI. Worrying to the extreme that anyone I loved was in severe danger. Blah Blah. But I knew I wouldn’t ever act on such a thing!
Now, since I’ve dropped the dose of my medication (side effects include low limbido and jaw clenching for me) I can feel a lot of my obsessive thoughts coming back. This time, I have a severe fear of my FI or dog dying, and death in general. I think about it several times a day and worry about what I would do without them. Or just thinking that one day we all won’t be here anymore. (I have a supportive family and great friends, and a FI who is my rock). I started a new job, and when I get close to someone I have this vivid thought of kissing them (!!??). I’ve had vivid thoughts of someone shooting me while I’m washing my face, ect. I’m worried about having a panic attack at my new job. I get night terrors in the winter (on medication) but coming down from medication my dreams have become much less vivid.
All of this, and I have graduated with a degree and I’m starting work full-time (manager/visual merchandiser in retail) and I manage my life okay. Although, I would love to be able to nip this is the butt once and for all. I decided that I’m going to go back to seeing a psychologist because I think a lot of my troubles stem from a lack of control – which is a central theme in all of my worries.
So my question to you is: what are some ways you deal with these issues? Do any of you consider yourself recovered? I’m determind to come off the celexa and go the natural route. So I’ve dipped into remedies, yoga, meditation, tea and the like. I just want to be happy and carefree more often 🙁 And I would love to feel better by my wedding! (I worry that I won’t feel amazing on the day of my wedding…..it never ends)
I’m sorry this is kind of a lot of rambling, thanks so much for reading!