(Closed) Anxiety ruining wedding and proposal

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
678 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I understand not wanting to be the center of attention, that’s one of the reasons we are doing an overseas wedding, so it will be mostly just family members there 🙂

It sounds like you have a small potential guest list already so that’s good. If you are feeling like you want to scale it down even more, maybe a courthouse ceremony (with only the very closest family and friends) and then a small dinner out at a restaurant for a reception… then you could skip the first dance and those types of “events” that most people expect to see at wedding receptions. Doing a restaurant reception also means that the evening would have a clear “end” that doesn’t demand the party to continue any further unless you want it to.

Good luck… and compromise, compromise!!

Post # 4
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@writershabitarium:  Maybe just have a short afternoon wedding? Unless you’re wanting a religious ceremony, you can work with the officiant to make it as long as you’re comfortable with. Then, first dance, cut the cake, say your goodbyes. A friend of mine is doing this, her whole wedding is only expected to last 3 hours tops, most likely less.

Post # 5
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

After reading your post I really feel like while you are very iffy about having a wedding and your future Fiance really wants the experience, so you have to consider his feelings. I am sure both of you are planning on getting married once and although guys don’t typically “dream” of a wedding they also want a special experience to remember and share with their closest family/friends. If you don’t like attention, a small ceremony on the beach somewhere far away could be a perfect way to go (just you two or just the very close people to you). You don’t even have to have a typical wedding dress if you don’t want to. You may not want some of those things now, but do you think you will regret it later? Anxiety can be very hard to overcome, but if you talk things out and get more comfortable with what you both want it might ease the stress.

Post # 6
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@writershabitarium:  

I don’t think you’ve ruined it at all!  You say that you and your bf have been together for 7 years, so naturally he should understand that you feel this way about being the centre of attention.  Have you two discussed the wedding/proposal etc, I wasn’t 100% clear from your post?

 

Secondly, your wedding is exactly that…yours

 

If you want to only have 3 people day and everyone wear PJs, who cares?  As long as it’s special to the two of you it’s not about spending thousands of dollars, a big white poofy dress or inviting 200 people.  It’s about the commitment the two of you are making to each other…at the end of the day that’s all that counts and that’s whats going to last!

 

Alternatively, you could just elope in secret?

Post # 7
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Check out the offbeat bride website and maybe the book A Practical Wedding, to hear stories of nontraditonal weddings and and dealin with your own wants vs those of others.  

 

I can relate somewhat, but in our case SO and I are generally on the same page, but are still having a wedding for the sake of our relatives.  We won’t have dancing, first dance, speeches, bouquet toss, any of that.  We will probably be legally married ahead of time ourselves, but have a church wedding / blessing for family to attend, followed by a casual get-together with food, drinks, and maybe lawn games because there will still be around 50 people.  If it were 15 people, it’d make things even easier.  SO and I don’t really like being the center of attention either, so we probably won’t write personal vows to say in front of the crowd, just do the rote ceremony.

 

I also opted out of an engagement ring, partially for some of the reasons you state.

 

Your wedding doesn’t have to follow a formula, it can be anything you make it.  Maybe you can talk with your SO and come up with some solutions that could satisfy both of your needs. 

 

 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Good luck to you guys figuring it out.  Maybe you can do a small, casual wedding without all the walking down the aisle stuff.

As some encouragement, you’ll find that most people don’t ask about wedding plans to be nosy, they’re just happy for you.  And at our wedding, yeah, everyone was looking at me, but I only saw my husband.  And once I got up with him, I never thought for one second about the 40 people sitting behind us.  I only saw him and heard the pastor. 

I’m sure you guys could manage a compromise where you get the wedding experience without the wedding stress and drama. 

Post # 10
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@writershabitarium:  Have a real talk with your bf about what he needs to do to consider himself married.

I mean, ask him to dig deep down and identify what is emotionally important to him. IF you ask him “what do you want in a wedding” he might just take the easy way out and simply list the things he thinks are part of a normal wedding: chruch, white dress, family, dinner, dancing, etc. That’s not what you are about here, you want to find the 1 or 2 things are are important to him.

You do the same thing–what would you really like? Rather than focusing on the negative (you DON’t want to be center of attendion, you DON’T want family telling you what to do) pick the 1 or 2 things that you would like to do to constitute a wedding.

wait–I just read your update–that sounds good!

 

Post # 11
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lazy:  I like the idea of reading up on very small intimate weddings and sharing it with your SO. Like, find beautiful/cute photos and stories that might inspire your SO about a small non-traditional wedding. Sometimes people are so stuck on expectations and traditions that they don’t even understand what the alternatives are. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I also agree that a small, courthouse wedding with close family and a few friends would be good- that way, you’re not up there for ages, and you won’t feel to anxious about planning etc. And, the restaurant idea sounds awesome!! Don’t worry about it not being traditional hun, it’ll be yours and your boyfriends special day, so the only thing that matters is how you two feel about it Smile And, if you’re afraid of your boyfriend proposing infront of other people (that was a MAJOR fear of mine! I also hate being the spotlight of attention- if he had proposed in a restaurant or something I would have fainted!) then talk to him about it, and share your concerns and fears with him. I did the same with my Fiance, and he proposed in my bedroom with just the two of us there. 

Also, if you aren’t getting treated for your anxiety then I suggest that you do. I know how much of a pain in the ass it can be, and it can be treated Smile Have you tried rescue remedy and deep breathing? Also, councilling works well too.

And, you haven’t ruined a thing!

Good luck OP Smile

Post # 13
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I suggest that you let him do the traditional proposal and then work hard to compromise on the wedding.  I felt similarly to you, but for different reasons.  (I just think most engagement- and wedding-related events are disproportionately expensive in terms of time, effort and money.  It wasn’t important enough to me to justify the costs.  I was more interested in being married than in planning a wedding, and I would have preferred to indulge in a fancy honeymoon and a larger downpayment instead.)

At any rate, my husband still wanted to buy me an engagement ring, so I let him.  People only comment on it for a couple of weeks after you get engaged.  After that, no one notices.  After all, most married people wear one.  You would need a grape-sized diamond to draw ongoing attention.  I wear my ring everyday, and sometimes it is just a nice reminder of my husband.  Every once in awhile he will admire it when we are spending time together.  Two years later, he is still proud of the ring he gave me.  I’m glad I didn’t protest too much just because he wanted to do something nice and generous for me.

We also had a bigger-than-I-wanted wedding.  It was way too much work and expense for my taste, but we had a nice day and have nice memories.  At the end of the day, I didn’t want to take away his opportunity to have a big bash just because I didn’t want one.  I think my sacrifice was smaller than his would have been.  So, it was the right decision for *us* even though it wasn’t *my* first choice.

Post # 14
Member
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@writershabitarium:  I think that you should compromise.  Tell him that if he proposes, it has to be a secret and without a ring that way no one knows about it and you can plan the wedding in private until everyone gets their invites.  The compromise is that you’ll do a small wedding that you two get to plan on your own without anyone’s input, like you said.  Maybe that’s something he’ll go for?

Post # 15
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@writershabitarium:  It sounds like there are larger issues here; it’s one thing to be shy, but it seems like you’re debilitated by anxiety. Have you considered seeking treatmeant and/or taking anxiety meds like Zoloft or something? I’m not a doctor, but it seems that your anxiety is actually getting in the way of you living your life. I would urge you to see a doctor. This is no way to live.

Post # 16
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

one word: Xanax.

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