- 2 months ago
I’ll admit I’ve been lurking for awhile, trying to get some tips from you bees who all seem to be in a similar situation, but I am anxious and completely at the end of my rope so I felt compelled to finally, “officially”, join in on the conversation.
A little background… I was engaged previously at 25. My previous relationship was extremely unhealthy, and was probably doomed from the start. We threatened to leave each other every time we fought, and our relationship was just a disaster. I think we both stayed hoping it would get better, and he proposed because he thought it would make me more fulfilled in our relationship. It didn’t. I soon realized he didn’t really want to get married to me. He wanted nothing to do with wedding planning and it seemed like something he just wanted to “get out of the way”. He ended up breaking off the engagement, and I was devastated at first, but soon realized it was the right thing to do and we probably should have broken up long before that. (TLDR… previous engagement was broken, we weren’t right for each other)
Fast forward to a year after my broken engagement, I met my current boyfriend (he is now 31 and I will be 30 in June). We have been together for two and a half years and I am so happy with him. I know he is right for me and I am right for him. We started talking hypothetically about getting married about a year into our relationship, and I started to get excited, but know that a year isn’t exactly enough time and knew neither of us were ready.
Around the two year mark, after we moved in together, we sat down and had a pretty serious conversation about where our relationship was going. I told him marriage was important to me, and he said it was important to him. He told me he wanted to get married to me and set a timeline. We would be engaged by June 2019. I trusted him, but 6 months later when I casually brought up getting engaged I found out he hadn’t taken any steps… no ring shopping, no asking my parents, nothing. So I got frustrated, and we got into a fight. It has gotten to the point that I am so anxiety-ridden about this engagement that we can’t even talk about this seemingly happy thing. I’m frustrated he is making me wait, he is frustrated that I am disappointed… it’s such a vicious cycle.
In the back of my mind, I am still a little scarred from my previous engagement and am worried that because my boyfriend has not yet proposed, he isn’t interested. My anxiety is through the roof thinking about the worst case scenario. When I think logically, I should be thrilled he even gave me a timeline to quell my worries, but I’m an emotional person and I go back and forth thinking history is repeating itself… that I’m going to end up with another broken engagement. We got into a huge fight last night and he told me he had been planning to propose this weekend and I ruined it so I was going to have to keep waiting. I feel stuck in an endless loop of anxiety and if I continue to bring it up I know he will never feel comfortable doing it (because, honestly, who wants to propose to someone after a giant fight?)
I know I am not thinking logically when I get upset. He has given me a timeline and I just need to be patient. He told me he bought a ring, and knowing that somehow made my anxiety worse. When I’m anxious, all I think about it “If he has the ring, why hasn’t he proposed? Why isn’t he excited?” Please feel free to be blunt. Even writing this is cathartic. I’m just feeling so anxious and burnt out on fighting about this, but it’s so hard to get engagement off my mind.