- 3 years ago
- Wedding: May 2018
Hi! I am not really looking for advice, but would love to see if anyone else experiences any of the same things I do. Anxiety runs in my family, but I seem to have the worst of it and I’d love to find people to relate to.
My mind is seriously cray. I basically came out of the womb with anxiety. I have suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember and it has progressively gotten worse, impacted by various life events (parents divorcing, death of a sibling, etc.). I have been diagnosed with severe generalized anxiety disorder (my cognitive anxiety was at the 98th percentile for my gender/age), as well as depression and OCPD (obsessive compulsive personality disorder). I have been through years of therapy and medications, and finally had success after being diagnosed with OCPD, because my therapy approach was SO much different when tailored to someone with OCPD as opposed to someone with just anxiety.
Anyways, despite things getting better, I have the most extreme empathy (that’s the only way I can think of putting it). For example, one time the maintenance worker at my apartment complex backed into my car and dented it. I felt SO bad that I decided to call his insurance to get my car fixed because I felt bad that his premium possibly went up. I had to enter my apartment complex from the back entrance for the remainder of the time I lived there because I would feel an overwhelming sense of guilt if I saw his car by the leasing office from the front entrance, even though he clearly was in the wrong and I did what anyone else would do.
Another example is when I went to a casino with my family. We went to a really fancy restaurant in the casino and our waitress was so incredibly sweet and was an older woman, probably the age of my grandmother. I felt so guilty that she was working, probably so tired on her feet. I thought about it all weekend and still think about it sometimes. I kept saying if I won any money I would give it to her so she could be with her grandkids and not work. I know it sounds so silly.
These things happen every few weeks, usually much more minor than those examples. I get depressed when people on TV are mean to one another on shows (even fake shows, like dramas and soap operas) because I feel so bad for the person being yelled at, even if they deserve it. When people have wronged me, I can never stay angry because I perseverate on if they are feeling bad and what they are thinking and how horrible I feel for them feeling bad. I have let people walk all over me because of this feeling in the past. I felt awful at the thought of my mom driving by herself (for only 1 hour) after my dress appt so I rearranged all of my plans for that day so I could ride with her. My mom and I have been playing a game through our phones and I feel awful if I beat her, so I will intentionally lose sometimes because of guilt.
I’m working through this in therapy, I’d just be interested to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this. I feel like such a dope and I realize that it’s often my mind getting the best of me.