(Closed) Anxious about not being engaged yet. Also, problems with future SIL.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

First off, welcome to the Hive!

Second, I understand where you are coming from. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 2 years and everyone that has been dating for a shorter amount of time is getting engaged. It does not mean, however, that he loves you any less. He just has a plan. I literally have to tell myself every single morning when I wake up, he will propose when he feels it is the right time. He has a plan. You won’t look like a fool if they get engaged before you.

Take a deep breath and enjoy the time you have with your boyfriend. You sound like you have a wonderful relationship with him. When you start feeling down about not being engaged yet, just think about the great relationship you have with him.

Also, I see this whole being overshadowed thing coming up so much. Both you and your Future Sister-In-Law get 1 day–which is your wedding day. He won’t be stealing anyone’s thunder. He won’t be overshadowing anyone by proposing sooner rather than later.

I would have a talk with him and give him the ability to decide when he proposes. If he wants to do it tomorrow, he should be able to. If he wants to wait until next year, that is his choice. I’m sorry to say that but you really don’t get a say in when he gets down on bended knee.

Post # 4
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

@BLynn:  Here is the thing. I think because you aren’t close with the SIL and upset about how fast she got engaged is ruining your soon-to-be moment. He probably was going to propose and you should let him do that on his own time. I understand that you are upset and you might have been for awhile that he isn’t proposing and you need to explain that to him that you two have been together for so long and no proposal so of course you are hurt that the SIL is really stealing your thunder. If you two got engaged around the same time who cares you should be engaged by now and why not steal her thunder!? Maybe the wedding planning will be something you two can do together?

Post # 5
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@BLynn:  I am sure I’d be experiencing the same feelings of “oh wow now I look stupid don’t I?” if I were in your shoes. however, if the people you’re concerned about are the type of people who are going to say bad things about you behind your back then they will say bad things about you no matter what you do. Haters are gonna hate! Even if you do everything “right” and the way you wanted it, it still would not be good enough because you have different priorities!

however, please consider that your own insecurity may be predisposing you to think that they will think negative things about you and/or that they like FSIL’s boyfriend because he has money. Is Future Sister-In-Law super difficult? Because they might just be glad that she found someone who will put up with her! Hopefully they will be equally glad when you two tie the knot. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt. and yeah…i agree with PPs who said your boyfriend should be able to pick his proposal date.

 

Post # 6
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think  you are worrying too much about how their engagement will alter other people’s perceptions of your engagement… Don’t overthink it! You can always compare yourself to someone else, whether it’s a future SIL or someone on tv. You didn’t plan your entire relationship around these people, and I doubt anyone will think you timed your engagement based on theirs if you got engaged relatively soon after they did. Think about it, you’ve been dating your SO much longer, you didn’t start dating him in response to your future SIL! And if it takes you a litle longer to get to an engagement, so be it; 9 months is really soon, and most people will understand that. If anyone gets snarky about it, you can just tell them that you and your SO respect the gravity of marriage and wanted to be very positive that you would be together for the rest of your lives before an engagement. Waiting a reasonable amount of time is a sign of maturity, not evidence that he doesn’t love you enough to rush an engagement! 

I know it can be be frustrating to feel like this throws off your plans, but try not to worry about it too much; I think people would be happy for you guys if you got engaged, not think you were doing it in response to someone else’s engagement. You guys have your own relationship, focus on that! 

Post # 7
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

I think you’d be a lot happier focusing on what you and your SO want to do, to hell with everyone else. Don’t worry so much what other people think. It’s none of their business, anyway. To wait a year to get married just to “not look stupid” is so extreme! Just get engaged! I promise, it will be fine!

 

Post # 8
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Comparing your relationship to others never turns out well.  Everyone’s relationship is different.  You have an amazing guy that you love.  Please don’t make him feel like crap over his sister’s poor choices.  IMO, telling him “Don’t propose for a year!” is just as bad as telling him “You have to propose this year!”.  You’re making this all about you and forgetting that there’s another person in this relationship.  His happiness should matter too.

Post # 9
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

My words of advice are this: NEVER compare your relationship to anybody else’s. You are only shooting yourself in the foot by making your SO promise not to propose to you for another year. Why not just live your own lives and if you want to get engaged, get engaged. There’s enough thunder to go around, nobody has to steal it from anybody.

Post # 10
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Really???  Really really???  Why on earth do you care about someone else’s relationship?  You’re willing to delay your engagement by a YEAR basically out of spite?

I honestly don’t get why proposals have become such a big deal.  I mean, engagement is a big deal, but all this pressure to have some amazing event as the proposal is ridiculous.  Heck, some people never get a proposal – they just decide to get married!  That’s basically what H and I did.  We knew we wanted to get married, we picked out a ring, he bought it, took me to a fancy restaurant that night, made a lovely speech, asked me to be his wife, and we were engaged.  Boom.  No element of surprise, which I could care less about.  I mean, what’s the point of being surprised if you know it’s coming anyway?

I just think you’re blowing this WAY out of proportion.  Just let your guy do his thing and don’t give him rules about when he can or can’t propose.

Post # 12
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@BLynn:  Sounds like a good plan to me. A nice sit-down talk works wonders. After 4 years, he’s seen you get a little crazy before, I’m sure! Just explain that your feelings made you irrational and that whenever and hoever he wants to propose is all good for you. I wouldn’t worry too much what others think. If they think you’re being “copycats” then they are some mean-spirited folks to begin with! Besides, if your FSIL’s Fiance is as controlling as you say he is then that ring may turn into a jail sentence for her.

Post # 13
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It sounds like the competition is in your head. Her fiancé proposed she accepted, it has nothing to do with you. Focus on yourself instead of her relationship. 

Post # 14
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

The way I see it, if he proposes close to their proposal, it won’t seem “stupid”.. it will make total sense. You can just relay to everyone if they mention it that it was a great coincidence! I understand your feelings about thunder stealing, I know I have felt that way too. But looking into this objectively, you and your guy seem to have an amazing relationship!And at the end of the day, that’s what matters. 

My sister got engaged right around the exact same time line as you’re explaining (9-10) months when me and Fiance were reaching 4 years and seriously talking about marriage. I felt the same way, and then thought to myself “You know what? To hell with what everyone else thinks!” I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my guy and let things play their coarse. It took a few weeks for the anger and thunder stealing feeling to subside, though. It will pass!

If you give yourself some time to relax, maybe then have another conversation with your Boyfriend or Best Friend and tell him you were having a lot of emotions at that time but that you want things to run naturally regardless of anyone’s decisions.  Good luck and I’m remember that you have such a wonderful relationship and a man you are going to spend the rest of your life with. The rest is semantics. 

Post # 15
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I can totally understand where you are comingn from…. I am sure I’d be a little annoyed as well. I’ve been dating my Boyfriend or Best Friend 6 years now and some of his friends (who have been dating way less) are already engaged and/or married.  I figure he’ll do it when he’s ready… No matter when your engagement happens, it will be so special. Please don’t ruin it by setting up a “you must wait a year” rule! =)

Post # 16
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I felt exactly the same way when my SIL got engaged… married..,. and pregnant! You just need to remind yourself it doesn’t reflect on your relationship, it is only because SIL’s man has more $$$$.

I have just tried to make sure that I do things completely differently from SIL – so that we can’t get directly compared!

But I totally agree with you telling your man not to get engaged at the moment. You should get your own spotlight!

The topic ‘Anxious about not being engaged yet. Also, problems with future SIL.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors