Anxious about the future

posted 2 weeks ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

You two need to be on the same page about what you want. 

Did you come across as a kid-free, marriage-free type of person when he met you? Were those things that helped you two click? Does he REALLY know how much you’ve changed? These are all questions you need to be able to answer and continue upon. 

If you’re not religious, you probably wouldn’t be against egg preservation or even embryo preservation. Have a talk with him, be super honest about your timeline and how much you’ve changed. Don’t blame your egg reserves for your change in your vision for the future – you can see kids and marriage with him because he brings that out in you (at least, I assume so from what I’ve read) – but make sure he knows about your iminent fertility issues should HE ever want kids, too. 

Your anxiety is totally warranted; you’re not crazy ๐Ÿ™‚ Just make sure he knows EXACTLY how you’re feeling. 

(FYI, depending on the amount of debt, it IS a very valid reason to not have kids. Work, not so much…however if he works on the weekends make sure you consider the implications of your kids having a dad that works so much, but make sure you understand where he is coming from too)

Being married is only the first step. Having kids is also just another step. What is REALLY important is that you two can share dreams, love each other fulfillingly throughout those dreams, and be there for anything or anyone dependent on you, whether it’s a goldfish or an infant. 

Post # 3
Member
4995 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Why is he in so much debt? Is he in school? Is he willing to give you a timeline at all of when he would be ready for marriage and kids? 2 years, 3, 5? Or does he not want to talk about it at all right now? 

At 29 and having been dating for 1.5 years i think it’s enough time to have been together to know where he stands on marriage and when/if he sees it with you. 

Post # 4
Member
2905 posts
Sugar bee

I realize that you are focusing on getting married and having babies, but are you not in the least bit concerned about his debt and how it will affect your future?  

What kind of debt?  Student loan?  Credit card?  

 

 

Post # 6
Member
2905 posts
Sugar bee

It is very tough to watch friends and family getting married and having babies when you also want that.  But patience is a good thing and he is telling you that right now isn’t the right time.  If you can’t accept that, you can wait or you can leave.  

I think too much on a logical level and would want him to get his finances in order before introducing kids into the mix.  

Post # 8
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee

“I told him that I wanted to have kids with him, as soon as I realized it. When I later found out about my low egg reserve, he was the first to know and he told me that being a mother at a young age has many benefits. He has mentioned more than once that he wants to have a family with me.”

I can only speak from my own experience here but I have low ovarian reserve too and husband and I started trying when I was 30 and what sucks, what absolutely sucks is though the doctors said that while the quanity was low, I am of a good age still so the quality of the eggs should still be good. Well, my count is low and my eggs are trash and now my husband and I are tens of thousands of dollars down paying now for 2 IVF cycles so my one bit of advice to you and every other woman out there in the universe is please please please try as soon as you can. Just have a baby if you know you want one. You dont know how long its going to take for it to happen, the longer you wait, the more eggs you will lose and the worst quality they will be. If I could go back in time it would be to slap some sense in me and TTC right after getting married. Anyhoo, thats a different story…

It’s so so so important to get both of you on the same page. The debt is scary but people have managed it. Sometimes people need a kick in the pants and you may be the person who makes the impact and lights the fire in your relationship. 

Best of luck to you. Just be honest, be real, don’t hold back. Say what you mean.

Post # 10
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

While it may not ease your mind, the truth can be freeing. He is telling you straight up he is not in a place for marriage and children. The reasons don’t matter. He is not willing to discuss a timeline.

You have to figure out if you’re actually truly ok with that for now and possibly forever. 

Post # 11
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

beest :  Im sorry to hear about your low egg reserve. It’s no bloody wonder that you’re having anxiety in this situation. Even if you didn’t have depression, I think anxiety would be an unfortunately natural response. We women have much more pressure to “get our shit together” a lot quicker than men because of the biological reality of child rearing. Having that time frame possibly shortened due to low egg reserve puts even more pressure on you.

If you were a friend of mine and we were discussing this over coffee (and lots of chocolate), I’d advise you to seriously think about what you want out of life. And if it’s marriage and kids, I’d tell you to courageously pursue that full throttle ASAP. 

Post # 12
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee

beest : Thank you so much! We’re in the middle of this second IVF cycle and it’s looking hopeful. Fingers crossed and prayers all the way.

You got this girl! State your case and don’t be a whimp like I was. I was like “ooohh — I want kinds soooommmee day.. oooh… we can get married or not or whatever.” But what I didn’t state with confidence is “this is what I want. this is who I am. I want this and you can be with me or you wont.” Don’t allow him to run the course of your life – you can choose which direction you go and how fast you sail. 

Post # 13
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

Hi bee.  I totally understand your anxiety and would feel at this age and amount of time dating, he should 100% know whether or not he wants to marry you.  My fiance and I were together a year and a half when he proposed.

While i get the whole debt thing and wanting to focus on that, is he willing to discuss a timeline with you at all?  And if a whole lot of money isn’t really needed for the wedding itself, i don’t know what that would hold him up.  I can imagine that having a large amount of debt is concerning and nerve racking but at the same time i dont think i would let it dictate my whole life, especially if i were him, knew i wanted to be with you, and knew i wanted children, on top of the low egg reserve issue.

Personally, i would try sitting down and having a serious talk with him about a timeline, stand to it, and if it doesn’t happen, move on.  i’m sure you love him but if he doesn’t want the same things as you it’s not going to work.  Good luck Bee!

Post # 14
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

beest :  freeze your eggs! whether or not things work out with him, you want to give yourself the option to have kids one day. 

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