Post # 1
I’ve been reading your posts for a while and now I’ve decided to share my story.
I’m 29 and I’ve been with my partner for about a year and a half. I never wanted children, I never wanted to get married but with him I feel like a totally different person and I want all of the above. He has told me since the beginning that I’m the woman of his dreams and I’ve been fantasing of a wedding proposal for about a year. Two months ago, I found out that I have a low egg reserve, meaning that I don’t have all the time in the world to have a baby. My partner works day and night to pay his debt and unfortunately more debt for him is on the way.
I’ve told him how eager I am to be his forever (as in getting engaged and then married) but he said that it’s too soon. We are not religious so the city hall is our only option, meaning that we don’t need money for a wedding. He also says that he wants to travel with me before having a baby but that’s an issue, given that he also works on the weekends.
I so want to marry him and start a family with him. However, his mind is consumed with his work and debt and he says that he can’t see past that at the moment. Sometimes I’m wondering if the problem is me and even if he didn’t have his stressors, our relationship wouldn’t be any different. I would also like to add that I have depression, so I get easily obsessed over the above.
Could you help me ease my mind? I’m becoming more and more obsessed every day, waiting for a proposal and a baby to happen. I would’t mind having a baby in two years, I would just like to see that our relationship is evolving. And I really, really want us to get engaged.
Thank you for your time
Post # 2
You two need to be on the same page about what you want.
Did you come across as a kid-free, marriage-free type of person when he met you? Were those things that helped you two click? Does he REALLY know how much you’ve changed? These are all questions you need to be able to answer and continue upon.
If you’re not religious, you probably wouldn’t be against egg preservation or even embryo preservation. Have a talk with him, be super honest about your timeline and how much you’ve changed. Don’t blame your egg reserves for your change in your vision for the future – you can see kids and marriage with him because he brings that out in you (at least, I assume so from what I’ve read) – but make sure he knows about your iminent fertility issues should HE ever want kids, too.
Your anxiety is totally warranted; you’re not crazy 🙂 Just make sure he knows EXACTLY how you’re feeling.
(FYI, depending on the amount of debt, it IS a very valid reason to not have kids. Work, not so much…however if he works on the weekends make sure you consider the implications of your kids having a dad that works so much, but make sure you understand where he is coming from too)
Being married is only the first step. Having kids is also just another step. What is REALLY important is that you two can share dreams, love each other fulfillingly throughout those dreams, and be there for anything or anyone dependent on you, whether it’s a goldfish or an infant.
Post # 3
Why is he in so much debt? Is he in school? Is he willing to give you a timeline at all of when he would be ready for marriage and kids? 2 years, 3, 5? Or does he not want to talk about it at all right now?
At 29 and having been dating for 1.5 years i think it’s enough time to have been together to know where he stands on marriage and when/if he sees it with you.
Post # 4
I realize that you are focusing on getting married and having babies, but are you not in the least bit concerned about his debt and how it will affect your future?
What kind of debt? Student loan? Credit card?
Post # 5
megm1099 : Hello and thank you so so much for your answer. Also, congratulations on your wedding 🙂
When I met him, I told him that I wasn’t sure if I could see children in my future. He told me that even though he loves children, he wants me and that the most important thing is that we’re together 🙂
I told him that I wanted to have kids with him, as soon as I realized it. When I later found out about my low egg reserve, he was the first to know and he told me that being a mother at a young age has many benefits. He has mentioned more than once that he wants to have a family with me.
Regarding the egg freeze, ideally I would like to avoid it because I’m thinking of all the hormones that might be involved in order to become pregnant “non-traditionally”. I’m not very educated on the subject to tell you the truth. My gynecologist didn’t even mention my other options other than conceiving naturally.
As for his work, he works that much in order to pay his debt. He sure doesn’t like it and it’s something that exhausts him, physically and mentally. Let’s hope that he won’t have to pay them for much longer.
From our talks, I could say that we want the same things from our relationship but our timeline is different. He has told me that he dreams of a future with me but he is also very stressed about finding the money and copying with work to be able to think about anything else.
I need to find a way to stop obsessing about our future, I don’t want to pressure him more than he already is. Unfortunately, my mind is stuck and seeing all of my friends/aquaintances getting married and having babies sure doesn’t help.
Could aromatherapy help me stop obsessing? Maybe a lobotomy? 😛
Post # 6
It is very tough to watch friends and family getting married and having babies when you also want that. But patience is a good thing and he is telling you that right now isn’t the right time. If you can’t accept that, you can wait or you can leave.
I think too much on a logical level and would want him to get his finances in order before introducing kids into the mix.
Post # 7
He is compensating someone and is also paying for lawyer fees. Since I have my own job, I never thought of money as an issue.
Yes, he isn’t willing to discuss a timeline at this moment. Maybe I should wait for a while and then have a serious discussion with him. I don’t consider leaving as an option. I want marriage and children with him, not in general 🙂
Post # 8
“I told him that I wanted to have kids with him, as soon as I realized it. When I later found out about my low egg reserve, he was the first to know and he told me that being a mother at a young age has many benefits. He has mentioned more than once that he wants to have a family with me.”
I can only speak from my own experience here but I have low ovarian reserve too and husband and I started trying when I was 30 and what sucks, what absolutely sucks is though the doctors said that while the quanity was low, I am of a good age still so the quality of the eggs should still be good. Well, my count is low and my eggs are trash and now my husband and I are tens of thousands of dollars down paying now for 2 IVF cycles so my one bit of advice to you and every other woman out there in the universe is please please please try as soon as you can. Just have a baby if you know you want one. You dont know how long its going to take for it to happen, the longer you wait, the more eggs you will lose and the worst quality they will be. If I could go back in time it would be to slap some sense in me and TTC right after getting married. Anyhoo, thats a different story…
It’s so so so important to get both of you on the same page. The debt is scary but people have managed it. Sometimes people need a kick in the pants and you may be the person who makes the impact and lights the fire in your relationship.
Best of luck to you. Just be honest, be real, don’t hold back. Say what you mean.
Post # 9
nautilusl2 : Your post made me cry. I’m wishing you and your husband all the luck in the world so that you can have the miracle that you desire.
Also, thank you so much for your inspiring words.
Post # 10
While it may not ease your mind, the truth can be freeing. He is telling you straight up he is not in a place for marriage and children. The reasons don’t matter. He is not willing to discuss a timeline.
You have to figure out if you’re actually truly ok with that for now and possibly forever.
Post # 11
beest : Im sorry to hear about your low egg reserve. It’s no bloody wonder that you’re having anxiety in this situation. Even if you didn’t have depression, I think anxiety would be an unfortunately natural response. We women have much more pressure to “get our shit together” a lot quicker than men because of the biological reality of child rearing. Having that time frame possibly shortened due to low egg reserve puts even more pressure on you.
If you were a friend of mine and we were discussing this over coffee (and lots of chocolate), I’d advise you to seriously think about what you want out of life. And if it’s marriage and kids, I’d tell you to courageously pursue that full throttle ASAP.
Post # 12
beest : Thank you so much! We’re in the middle of this second IVF cycle and it’s looking hopeful. Fingers crossed and prayers all the way.
You got this girl! State your case and don’t be a whimp like I was. I was like “ooohh — I want kinds soooommmee day.. oooh… we can get married or not or whatever.” But what I didn’t state with confidence is “this is what I want. this is who I am. I want this and you can be with me or you wont.” Don’t allow him to run the course of your life – you can choose which direction you go and how fast you sail.
Post # 13
Hi bee. I totally understand your anxiety and would feel at this age and amount of time dating, he should 100% know whether or not he wants to marry you. My fiance and I were together a year and a half when he proposed.
While i get the whole debt thing and wanting to focus on that, is he willing to discuss a timeline with you at all? And if a whole lot of money isn’t really needed for the wedding itself, i don’t know what that would hold him up. I can imagine that having a large amount of debt is concerning and nerve racking but at the same time i dont think i would let it dictate my whole life, especially if i were him, knew i wanted to be with you, and knew i wanted children, on top of the low egg reserve issue.
Personally, i would try sitting down and having a serious talk with him about a timeline, stand to it, and if it doesn’t happen, move on. i’m sure you love him but if he doesn’t want the same things as you it’s not going to work. Good luck Bee!
Post # 14
beest : freeze your eggs! whether or not things work out with him, you want to give yourself the option to have kids one day.