- 7 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
My apologies, I think I turned this into a therapy session. But I would like your feedback if possible.
Subtext: I am American, my fiance is English. We have been together 5.5 years, lived together for 3. We hope to relocate to the United States in 2012, so we need to be maried by this fall to get a visa.
A bit of background information: I am madly in love with my man and perfectly happy with our relationship the way it is. For this reason, I am very anxious about tampering with our relationship by getting married. I hate that peope will expect me to change my last name (which I absolutely love and I’ve had for 30 years now), and judge me when I say I am not changing it. I feel like the labels of “husband” and “wife” are very normative, and don’t capture the individuality of our relationship. In honesty, I felt more ready to get married three years ago or so, before our relationship really solidifed and cemented. Marriage seems a bit gratutitous now. (I’ve talked to him about this and he is very understanding.)
We had planned a whole wedding outside of my hometown. Wasn’t quite perfect, but it made us both happy. Unfortunately, the venue first tried to increase the price of alcohol by 40%, then aded an extra 35% charge on renting the venue. Basically, they were completely dishonest, we did not trust them AT ALL, so there was no way we could get married there. After I refused to talk about it for several months because it just made too upset, we bantered around the idea of eloping 7,000 miles away to NYC.
Flashforward to the fact we’re getting married in 5 months in NYC (the time is less-than-ideal for me for many reasons, but ideal for my fiance….it was picked due to its convenience for British school holidays and the fact that a second British-American couple is getting married the following weekend, so it’s 2-for-the-price-of-1 for the British contingent.)
My parents are less than thrilled and not particularly supportive. My best friend will be unable to be there, my childhood [literally from birth] friend probably make it due to finances, and I’m terrified of asking my HS best friend, because her partner is a schoolteacher and the date is in the smack dead middle of term.
All in all, I’ll think I will have 10 people there, and my fiance will have 20. To be honest, I’m so so so happy his friends are so supportive, but I’m very upset about the rapidly ballooning size (i.e. we had initially talked about 20 guests total) and imbalance. (I can’t help but to be upset that one couple will be there, who were recently wedded. While I was invited to their engagement party, I was not invited to their wedding because unmarried partners were not invited. In that group of friends only spouses were invited…we assume due to size constraints? We were never directly told. Ironically, I would not have been able to attend their wedding [and I am very aware they are free to choose who to invite and why] but it still hurts.)
I guess in sum, I can say with 95% certainty this is not the wedding I want, but I can say with 100% certainty that this is my man’s ideal wedding. At this point, we need to be married soonish (for visa reasons), and he already has most of it planned. He is a wonderful person who deserves a nice wedding and a day that makes him happy, so I think I should just not think about it too much, and get it done. I don’t think there are any better options at this point, unless you have any ideas????