(Closed) Anxious and a little angry

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yeah I think I had all those fights with the man who will be my husband in (holy crap) 24 days.  We were together for over 5 years before he proposed.  He just couldn’t commit without knowing that he was ok financially.  I don’t begrudge him buying a motorcycle and car in the meantime.  It was his money.  I did tell him more than once that he could have bought me a nice ring for what he paid for the bike ($5k) but the longer he waited the more it would cost him.  Of course I wasn’t serious, I’d have taken anything.  But he pulled through – he doesn’t do things half-assed.  He was saving for the ring all along. 

In your situation you may need to just sit him down when you’re both in a good mood and talk about it.  Tell him that you totally understand he may be hesitant, but you feel misled.  You need to know what he thinks your future is if you’re going to stay there.  Also make a promise to him – you won’t bug him about it, as long as you feel like you’re both on the same page, until XX date, if he commits to that.  Or some life event (taxes, really?  Has he adjusted his withholding so he’ll get a big refund?).

You guys haven’t been together that long.  I’m sure he feels a little like he needs to get all his “stuff” (car) before he gets married, too.  Talk to him.  Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

My Fiance and I avoided this issue by splitting the cost of the ring. It was already incredibly inexpensive but he’s in a really tight financial spot and I didn’t feel right begging him to be engaged if I didn’t contribute to one of the more costly purchases we’ll make this year.

If he’s really worried about the cost of the ring, why doesn’t he just buy something “for the meantime” and then get your dream ring when he can afford it? We bought a teensy .3 carat ring and I hope we’ll upgrade to something more substantial when the practical costs are taken care of (I want a new car).

If it’s really that he doesn’t feel comfortable being engaged, I agree with the PP that you should have a heart-to-heart about it. Is there a particular reason you didn’t want to wait more than a year?

Investing in practical things now (a car, etc) is probably, in his mind, building a stronger base for your marriage. He probably doesn’t feel like he’s prioritizing his wants over yours–maybe that’s why he’s getting upset! As the PP stated, open dialogue about your needs and trying to understand his reasoning will really help here.

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Waiting can be an extremely difficult process.  I am right there with you and understand your pain.  However, I think you need to be very gentle with your SO.  It seems you have fallen in love with a gorgeous ring…and it costs far more than your SO expected.  He is trying to give you what you love, but that is not an easy price tag for a lot of people to handle.  Also, taking on loans is not exactly a simple process either.  Imagine taking on that sort of debt for your SO for something you do not get to fully enjoy…it’s not exactly appealing.  I know that’s not what you want to hear, and I am sorry I have to say it.  I wish someone would have said that to me earlier, too.  Finances are a huge thing to every guy I know.  It doesn’t mean he loves you any less, or that he’s not excited at the idea of spending his life with you.  Breathe and take comfort in the fact that your SO loves you and that the two of you are able to discuss and plan this fantastic step in your future.

Post # 7
Member
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Please don’t think I’m being unkind or harsh by saying this, because I don’t mean to be:

But, if I were him I’d be feeling right now a little less than enthusiastic about the whole idea if getting engaged to you. 

If you’re getting angry over the amount you want him to spend on an engagement ring for you, I can imagine similar thoughts to these might be going through his head:

Is she going to be this way for our entire marriage about any future purchases she wants me to make for her? 

Is she going to get pissed off if I can’t or don’t want to splurge on gifts, like for birthdays or holidays, and not appreciate the fact of the thought rather than the monetary amount the gift costs? 

Is she really a selfish and materialistic person?  Does she love and want to marry ME, or does she just want the status symbols of it all?

I’m afraid your attitude might drive him away, if you don’t check it.  It would me, if I were him.  Just be careful and make it clear to him that you love him for himself.  Regardless of the ring.  Regardless if he gave you a twist tie as an engagement ring, if that was all he wanted to give you.

An engagement ring is not an obligation.  Lots of people don’t get them and get married anyway.  Your priorities might be a little skewed, in his eyes. 

What I’m trying to say is tread lightly, and use a different approach, or you may never get what it is you really want from him.  Don’t give him reason to have second thoughts.

Post # 9
Member
5212 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Sunfire:  I actually rather agree with this.

 

OP, you should not be setting a timeline simply as your sister waited 6.5 years. Your relationship is NOT your sister’s. Your SO is NOT your sister’s partner.  The only time you should be getting married is when you AND your SO are both ready…not just individually, but also in respect to the relationship.

You just cannot treat a relationship like a series of ticked boxes and deadlines.

I certainly think it is great you discussed your expectations before you moved in, but now is the time to say “Okay, I said I did not want to wait longer than a year to get engaged after we moved in. Is that timeline I set still really applicable to me and to us? Are we really ready?”

Have you and he talked to each other about marriage. By that not just rings, and potential venues for a wedding, but what you actually each expect in marriage and WHY you want to be married to each other? Have you talked about what you want your marriage to be like, how you plan together to keep connected, and stay strong through hard times? Have you talked about whether you want children and how you want to parent them, your financial goals and beliefs, how involved you do or do not want other family to be, and so on? Does he know why you want to actually marry him, or does he just know what ring you want?

Your question should not just be “does he want to marry ME?” but also “do I want to marry HIM?” and “is this what I want in a marriage?”.

To me THESE are all the conversations that need to be happening right now, rather than worrying about whether or not he can afford the Tacori.

Post # 10
Member
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@RayKay:  Thanks!  I agree with everything you’ve said as well.  😉

Post # 11
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@newcitylights:  Be optimistic in regards to his cash-flow.  He’s older, wiser and more mature.  He is being more responsible with how he spends his money. 

Post # 12
Member
5212 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@newcitylights:  I’m not at all bothered by viewpoints different from mine, and maybe it’s something I need to hear. But when things like money come up I can’t help but think of the times he has told me how much he spent on gifts for his ex before me…$1500 for a bike, 500 for another gift. I’m sure he didn’t complain to her about it. But when he gets me something that costs far less, he complains about the price to the point where i don’t even want anymore. And then i feel like i don’t compare to the ex (who has been an issue in many other ways)

My husband almost bought his ex a VERY expensive diamond ring. He handpicked the diamond after looking at hundreds of them in person. He designed a setting.  He had already booked a cruise in the Mediterranean for after his tour with her and planned to propose then. Then he got a Dear John letter while he was overseas and when he came home on emergency leave and went to counseling with her, he found out she had been cheating on him. A few times. Fortunately he could cancel the ring before it was made!

My proposal came in some rather unromantic circumstances (indeed, scary circumstances) by text message and without a ring. He was not even in the same province as me at the time! Never had an engagement ring before we married at all! We looked, but I did not find anything I liked and I preferred to save the money at the time. Which was also a smaller budget since he was then out of the military and unemployed at time. I later got rings that came from our shared finances! Still nowhere NEAR what he was ready to shell out for his ex’s ring.

Guess how much I care? Not at all. Back then, he was doing what he thought he “should do” to tick the boxes of life. Their relationship was entirely different than ours and I would not trade any bit of ours for any part of what theirs was. Theres was a bit role-playing, inauthentic, immature. Ours is mature, emotionally connected and intimate, honest, authentic. He is my life partner, and I feel so, so blessed. Now THAT is a gift that can’t be priced out!

It is silly to look at what his ex “got” in terms of material goods that you did not, especially when you start comparing the “cost” of them. May I remind you, she is an EX!

 

If YOU are not happy with how things are, you need to look into yourself and decide if your needs are being met in this relationship. But that is something you can do introspectively without comparing to his ex. If he complains a lot, then perhaps he is a negative Nancy and you need to look at that and determine if you want that in your life or talk to him and ask him why he feels that way about gifts he buys, and why he buys them if he does! But what he did with his ex is extraneous to this process in determing YOUR boundaries and expectations in a partner and a relationship.

FYI – sounds like he does sort of complain about what he spent on his ex. If it was a non-issue with him, I doubt he would remember the costs so well! That, or he has some strange sense of “pride” in what he spends on things and feels a need to prove to others what he spends. I do not now the circumstances in which those conversations arise, but it is a bit peculiar in some ways if he often mentions it.

Post # 13
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Don’t rush it, enjoy your time together. I bought a place with my boyfriend 2 and a half years ago, we have been dating almost 6 years. I want to get engaged but I can wait. Its fun to enjoy time together and if it happens to fast it might not work out. Don’t get mad at him for spending HIS money… its HIS money and a ring that expensive may not be worth it for him at the moment. $5000 on a ring is a lot for most men, hes a home owner as well which I know comes with a lot of un expected expenses. Give him a break, relax and let yourself enjoy your time together and enjoy the surprise when it happens. Relationships started on an ultimatum (like you have a year to propose), usually don’t turn out well. 

Post # 15
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If getting engaged was a stipulation before moving in it would probably have been a good idea to wait for the ring to do it but I realize situations and connivance plays a role in moving in with someone as well.

My Fiance asked me to look at rings after years together and my now Maid/Matron of Honor went with me. 5 months later my now Maid/Matron of Honor got engaged and we were planning her wedding a year after her engagement it wasn’t till a week before her wedding I GOT engaged.  Sure there was a few times I would say things like “well ___ Got engaged SWEET!” real snotty in a moment of impatience.

It end up he was waiting to pay for the ring I picked out, I picked out several but my now Maid/Matron of Honor told him which one I really just gasped for. (Yes that little secret keeper kept that from me for almost a year! LOL)  IT took him over a year to save for it, I don’t hold anything he bought in that time against him actually I just felt bad about being snotty and mean a few times bout it not knowing hew as saving up. ANYWAY if you set your standers high it might take him longer to get it. Life goes on while saving and should not stop him from enjoying his money while saving for it. I would not want my Fiance to have been miserable and unable to get whatever he wants just so I could have it sooner. Breath and try not to be mean about it like I was (my excuses is I was drunk each time LOL) or just don’t’ drink and think about it is my advise.

 

PS: I am dyslexic so please ignore the horrific spelling and grammer most get use to it some think I never make since LOL

The topic ‘Anxious and a little angry’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors