Post # 1
I (29/F) got engaged to my bf (31/m) of 6 years. But ever since the engagement I have been having SO much anxiety. The point of this post isnt to describe my relationship and get objective opinions on if its good enough or not, so I will just ask you to trust me that its a beautiful relationship, no red flags, and I have no doubts about HIM at all.
I just get so scared that my anxiety is a sign that I am making a huge mistake because so many people are lucky enough to experience this time with no anxiety whatsoever.
If there are any other anxious brides or wives out there, can you tell me what your experience with anxiety was like during this time? How did it work out? What types of thoughts did you have? I know there are people with zero doubts out there – can you tell me more about your relationship (age when you met, years together, previous relationship history)?
(I guess somethings you should know are that I am going to therapy because I am so confused as to why I am so anxious and I talk openly to my fiance about everything.)
Post # 2
millerbabe : It sounds like you normally have anxiety so I wouldnt read too much into this.
Before I married my husband I had thoughts like “what if this is a huge mistake” “do I really even want to be married” “How sure am I about financially tying myself to him forever” “do I even want kids” etc
We also had a great relationship with no red flags. We are married now and I have zero regrets. Hes perfectly imperfect but hes exactly the right one for me. Great husband, partner, father.
If you are sincere that there are no lingering issues that are bothering you and its just a general sense of fear — it sounds like your anxiety and you shouldnt let it get to you too much. Counseling is definitely a good idea!
Post # 3
millerbabe : have you suffered from anxiety in the past? Major life changes, even good changes, often trigger anxiety. The good thing is you are seeing a therapist and you will be able to pinpoint the root of your anxiety.
Just keep examining it. Anxiety is tough, I have gad and I can date my anxiety back to my earliest childhood memories. So I get anxious about everything. Sometimes it’s not even “something” it’s just a heightened state of anxiety, maybe due to lack of sleep or being sick
I’m used to analyzing all of my emotions. Sometimes, if I’m able to pinpoint the source of my anxious feeling, it actually makes me feel better.
So just hang in there. People say to trust your gut and that’s a good thing. HOWEVER, I would have had cancer a million times over if I trusted my gut, but I have an anxiety disorder that can twist my thinking, so I’ve learned to analyze my gut feelings “is this my anxiety talking or is this actually a rational fear”
You are doing the right thing to figure out where your anxiety is coming from and I would just hang in there until you do, meaning, no big decisions until you feel better
Post # 4
Marriage a really big deal and if you suffer from anxiety, it’s probably going into overdrive.
It’s good that you are talking it out with a therapist and I hope that she can help you feel some relief.
Post # 5
I have severe anxiety and I was SO EXCITED to marry my husband but was still very anxious about it. It’s just SUCH a huge life event. I think it’s very very normal to feel anxiety leading up to a wedding even when you are truly happy with your partner. Be gentle with yourself. xo
Post # 6
I’ve suffered from severe anxiety all my life but my current husband actually really calmed it down a lot. I wasn’t nervous at all with him but I was super anxious before I married my ex, who was abusive. HOWEVER, I am NOT at all suggesting your SO is abusive or you’re making a mistake. I am just lucky in that the way things worked out for me was that I became a much happier less stressed person with my husband, who is very calm natured and relaxes me.
Please note however that I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married again but I was sure I wanted to marry him, so that was fun. Please remember that people with anxiety get really anxious about major life changes and events. That’s just unfortunately usually how things work for us. I have had anxiety about other major life events in my life and still do. It does not mean he’s not a good guy or you shouldn’t get married.
edit to also add:
If I could give any advice to you I would strongly recommend premarital counseling so that he can understand your anxiety isn’t about him not being “right” for you and he can use therapy tools to help you through the process.
Post # 7
Jazzylove : Thank you! I would love to know more about what type of anxiety? Were you able to pinpoint it, was it wedding related, questioning the meaning of life etc lol? Sometimes I think I am just having an existential crisis
Post # 8
I also experienced engagement anxiety (actually I wrote a whole post about it not that long ago!). I am an anxious person by nature and I was prepared for the “I’m so excited” kind of stage-fright nervous jitters. What I wasn’t prepared for (and I wish SOMEONE had warned me about) was the soul-crushing, sit up in the middle of the night, want to run away/vomit kind of anxiety, lol. In my case it was actually triggered not only by the massive transition (which marriage is, even for people who have been with their partner for ten years like I have), but also by the fact that my parents had a very unhappy marriage that ended in divorce when I was at a very impressionable age. It sounds stupid now, but it never occurred to me that it would affect me so much! It’s honestly been a non-issue for most of my life, but the idea of marrige just dredged all of that up. Any residual anxiety you might have WILL come out during times of change.
Sheryl Paul’s books and blog have been life-changing for me. I highly recommend them. Breathe, bee. You will get through this, you will keep loving your partner and go forward with your life, you will feel safe and okay again 🙂 .
Post # 9
I had a lot of anxiety before my wedding and a full blown panic attack 5 days before. Thank god my husband is wonderfully understanding that it was about marriage, not him, and just me coping with making a massive life decision. I’m gwnerally an anxious person and he understood that. I have zero regrets and have a wonderful relationship
Post # 10
millerbabe : I have an anxiety disorder, so it was about all things lol. But yes, a LOT of worrying about “are we too young? Are we too old? Will our families like the wedding? Will I hate how I look as a bride? What if our beautiful relationship somehow changes for the worse when we are actually married? What if he changes his mind? Can love last forever?” Just a lot of huge, overwhelming feelings. I worked with a therapist weekly (and am also medicated for anxiety) and was just really honest and open with my partner and we worked through it together and ended up having an AMAZING wedding and have been incredibly happily married for 5 years. As long as your partnership is really strong, you’ll be okay. : )
Post # 11
This is timely because this morning my fiance told me he’s scared and has been having lots of anxiety about the wedding/marriage, and the wedding is in 2.5 weeks. It’s great that you’re going to therapy! Hopefully you’ll be able to work through your anxiety. My fiance said he should’ve gone to therapy a long time ago, and I’m hoping he will be able to book a session before our wedding.
Post # 12
getting engaged wasn’t all sunshine and roses for me either. i had no doubts about my partner, but my parents were going through a bad place at the time because my dad was ill and required full time care, and i had no idea how that would impact our ability to have a wedding. to add to that, my fiance’s parents are very wealthy and his mom wanted us to have a over-the-top “traditional” white wedding, whereas my parents were not able to contribute financially and frankly expected something much more low key. i was nervous for the two sides of the family to meet, and their differing expectations for our wedding. all of these combined made me sort of dread planning the wedding.
in the end, we figured it all out. it took some honest and sometimes uncomfortable conversations with family, but it was worth it to marry my partner.
you say your doubts aren’t about your fiance specifically. are they more about getting married generally, or do they relate to the wedding itself?