Post # 1
I’ve been finding comfort in other people’s posts here on Weddingbee and other forums, so I finally decided to reach out for help with my own situation. Long story short – I very recently married the woman whom I intended on breaking up with long before the wedding. Believe me, I know how truly awful that sounds. She’s a good woman and I never wanted to hurt her. I’ve just never been happy, but got into the bad habit early on of ignoring my gut feelings. My question is, how long should I wait before I tell her it was a mistake and that I don’t want to be married? This is all I’ve thought about for way too long, even before we married, and it’s affecting my mind and body in a negative way. Thanks for your help.
This topic was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by mg33.
Post # 2
mg33: Oh boy, you are probably going to get flamed. Badly. Please tell her ASAP. She deserves to be with someone who wants to be with her. Or at least NOT with someone who doesn’t want her. Jeez, man up!!!!
Post # 3
As soon as you’re 100% certain your decision is made. Don’t let her go through an awful heartbreak just to come back begging her to take you back months later.
Post # 4
Uh, now. Tell her now. You should have told her long before you married her.
Post # 5
Now. It will give her more time to find someone who ACTUALLY wants to be with her.
Post # 6
Tell her ASAP!
She deserves to know. And she deserves someone who cares for and loves her. Not something fake- which is what you are giving her.
As above- ‘Man Up!’.
It’s going to hurt no matter when you tell her.
Post # 7
- Wedding: A very pretty church.
mg33: DTRT, stop wasting her time (and yours!).
Post # 8
Wow. Tell her as soon as possible so she can find a partner that actually wants a life with her. There is no good time to do this- other than BEFORE the wedding/engagement.
You should do some serious reflecting on how your lack of courage, denial of your true feelings, desire to follow expectations, and people pleasing led you to this shitty shitty mistake that will surely rock your wife’s world.
Post # 9
Dang this is messed up…… You should have told her a long ago when you 1st start feeling like this… but if you are 100% sure you made a mistake you need to tell her sooner vs later…. Meaning NOW
Post # 10
No joke, figure out how you will tell her TODAY. Life is too short to waste it on someone who doesn’t want to be with you, or someone you don’t want to be with.
Since you’ve already screwed up pretty badly, telling her today, ASAP, is the only thing you can do to even start the path to redemption.
I’m curious though, are you that great of an actor, or do you think maybe she has an idea?
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF
While I do think it’s horrendous that you allowed your relationship with this woman to reach this point, I also feel a degree of empathy that I wouldn’t have a few years ago.
My FI was married when he was 25 to a woman that he traveled around the world with right after school. He felt the extreme desire to be loved and love someone even though he knew that what he felt for his ex was limited to a sense of comfort – maybe there was love at some points, but by the time they were engaged, he knew it would never work out. He never felt 100% committed to her and felt that he was settling. Yet, when they got back from their travels, he felt pressure and encouragement from many sides to “make her an honest woman” and despite his reservations, he didn’t want to hurt her or anyone else and ultimately proposed. They’d been together for 7 years at that point. Their marriage lasted barely a year and ended in a divorce that completely blindsided his ex.
Anyway, I only shared that because your situation sounds similar. What my FI learned from finally ending his first marriage was that he’d never be happy until he found someone who fulfilled a checklist of his wants in a partner. He dated intermittently after his wife but it wasn’t until we met that he says he’s ever felt totally in love. At the same time, his ex-wife is seemingly very happy with her partner and has two kids.
The moral of this anecdote is: please end things with her. It’ll hurt and it’ll be messy – for BOTH sides. You will undoubtedly miss her even if you don’t love her romantically. It’ll be hard to lose that person that you’ve been with. But, quite frankly, both of you have other people out there waiting for you and you’ll BOTH be much happier in the long run.
Post # 12
If you have doubts or want to break up with someone repeatedly, you should never marry them.
Tell her immediately. But dont feel like you are the only person this has happened to. I know multiple guys who wanted to break up with their girlfriends multiple times but didn’t, instead they got pressured into marriage and never were happy.
Post # 13
I would want to know right away!
Post # 14
mg33: you are on the wrong site.
I feel awful for your “wife”. Poor girl.
I suppose youre just going to have to be a big boy and sit down and tell her. You give her anything and everything she wants to keep- this is your fault for going through with all of this in the first place when you were not sure.
Post # 15
I agree with everyone else. It sounds like you’re sure, so you should tell her right away!