Post # 32
You talk a lot about how hurtful your family is, how you cannot depend on them, and how they will stress you out and potentially ruin your wedding experience. You posed the question whether to have the big wedding you had planned with your family, or something else with your Fiance and best friends, but you haven’t said what you want.
Do you want a big wedding? Do you want to be surrounded by love and support?
You say that your family hurts you and holds you back and that you have always wanted to get away from them. I think you should take this opportunity to consider what you want and what will make you happy. If they don’t like it, you should not take that on as your problem.
You do not need to take on their hurtfulness. Embrace your Fiance and your wedding as an opportunity to celebrate each other in the way that you want.
Post # 33
- Wedding: December 2010 - Al Cielo / La Laguna
Have the wedding you want. Don’t have a huge family affair to make someone else happy or to reaffirm your love for them. That is awful and something you may regret later.
If you want to have a smaller wedding, do it. We are having a destination wedding for just this reason. The people who really care about us are coming and those that don’t are not. For us it has worked out great.
Post # 34
Thank you sincerely for your help and advice. It has meant SO much to me. After I wrote this post and gave this much consideration, we decided to do what we wanted in the first place (different location and date- something that felt more right for us, thinking that maybe that would give us strength and help us handle them better) but still invite my family. They went berserk. I guess I had to give them one last try to be decent, to be included. I probably should have known better, but it has been a learning experience. I guess the truth is, you just can’t please some people.
Now, we are doing our own thing, without them… It has been really tough, but I appreciate all of your support and advice. You all are awesome. Thank you very, very much. Your input has meant a lot to me ;). I am glad I found this place, you have really really helped me! It is difficult to have perspective when you are “stuck in it.” I think there is some sort of special place in heaven for bee posters :). You’ve given me a lot of perspective and strength when I needed it. I thank each and every one of you.
Post # 35
@cbee you truly deserve the most amazing wedding EVER. I hope your day comes off without even the slightest hitch and is practically perfect in every way. It takes a lot of guts to do what you did and it takes a really strong couple to get through it together. I hope you two take the time to sit back and take that in and give yourselves the moment to be proud of yourself as a couple. Well done it’s only a sign of really amazing things to come!
Post # 36
Elope. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your family. You can share the news with them and still keep them close if you chose. Send them updates, but just tell them that you and your Fiance made a personal choice to get married someplace else. It’s obviously up to you, but if I had such hardships with my family, I’d elope to have this union only with my Fiance. Jsut be gracious about it and keep them in the loop so they don’t feel burned. If that’s what you want. I don’t think it will disconnect you from them…unless you really feel it will because you know there personalities.
Tell us what you decide to do?
Post # 37
Thank you again, bees! I am kind of freaked out right now, my mother is threatening me. I guess there is no easy way out of this one! But, someone like that, I need to stay away from. So, I know I am making the right choice and hopefully I can get through this without too much trouble. Maybe I will move and change my name. She is so freaky and extreme. I guess I need to find the strength to say “see ya” or “screw off” and hope she does, but I hope that doesn’t make her come after me more…
Post # 38
I’m so sorry to hear this, cbee. Hugs to you 🙂 It’s good you decided to do what’s right for you. When we have people in our lives who are toxic and destructive to our well-being it is sometimes best to cut them off, even if those people are family. Best of luck to you and your future husband! And please be careful with your dealings with your mother, especially if she’s threatening you. Take care!
Post # 39
If you are not safe, perhaps you can get a restraining order? I hope that you stay well. Do whatever you have to do for you and your FH. Much hugs. Keep us posted. Have a wonderful wedding and honeymoon. Hugs.
Post # 40
Elope! Cancel it and elope!
Post # 41
I think having a very small destination wedding would be perfect for you! That way crazy selfish mom and dad (is he still hurt over all she did to him?) won’t be there, there will not be any wild stuff happening, and you and your Fiance can say your vows to each other.
If any close friends wish to come with you, then so be it! I’d take that 750 which is to go towards your second payment to venue and use that $ and pool together the rest of the money to be spent on the wedding and have a wonderful wedding/honeymoon!
I do agree, that you would be feeling this would be about your family rather than you and your Fiance if you moved ahead with this. I have only one drama person in my family, and its’ my own mother who did something horrible to my sister and I and stole the inheritance from my grandparents in the few weeks before my grandfather passed away. She also ran off and married a guy about 2 months ago and we personally do not want her or her new instand add-water husband (she didn’t even tell us she was getting married) at our reception.
Save the drama, leave it to themselves and don’t give them any room to feed off of you anymore. Sadly, sometimes family can be the source of so much pain. Just keep good boundaries and that would mean limiting your contact possible.
Wishing you and Fiance a loving and peaceful and amazing wedding and possibly honeymoon too! You deserve it! You’re making a new life together, a new family, and focus on that!
Post # 42
I hope you figure it out. It is true what they say about cutting off peope who are toxic to you no matter what. Sometimes it feels wierd or selfish, but its only because you need to be the best “you” and you can’t be that person IF you have people around you bringing you down all the time. They say that with boyfriends even if you love them, to break up with them if they are unhealthy to your wellbeing and they also say that in school and work! If you are in an internship or work environment that is bringing a lot more stress to you than good, they always say (professors, etc) that you need to change the scene. Don’t stay one more minute. You can’t be a better person or help anyone for that matter if you’re dealing with stress and bad vibes somewhere. Even if you need the money. Money is not worth your health and life span (stress and sadness). Somewhat off topic, but just trying to prove the point that cutting off toxic people feels bad sometimes.
Hope you make the right choice for you! 🙂
Post # 43
Thank you all for all of the support! I do need it 🙂