Post # 1
I’ve heard before that some women enter into their marriage strictly because it is a good business decision. Any Bees marry their husband because it made good business sense (or know anybody who did)? Love may or may not have been part of the equation, but you knew that together you could build a good life, thrive financially, raise kids successfully, and get along generally well?
Post # 3
I loved my husband and yes I did consider everything. He died 7 years ago and it is because of my choice that my kids and I are in a great position today. He was handsome, smart, and financially stable.But if I had not have loved him I would not have married him for those reasons alone.
Post # 4
If I didn’t love my husband, we wouldn’t have gotten married. That being said, I think after your initial infatuation with a person, love becomes a verb. It’s no longer just a feeling or just romance- it’s a daily choice, it’s something you work at every single day, and it’s totally worth it.
But to address the rest of it, love alone would not have been enough for us to get married. He had to have the same basic morals/belief system that I did, he had to be dependable, stable, and responsible, he needed to have similar life goals to mine- essentially yes, we needed to be compatible.
If I couldn’t see us building a good life together, we wouldn’t have gotten married.
Post # 5
What you described – you knew that together you could build a good life, thrive financially, raise kids successfully, and get along generally well – with a dash or love, sounds like marriage material to me! 🙂
Post # 6
@Reign14: Yes, in some ways I did. In others no. My good friend, howeve, is doing just this. But she is from Sudan and marriages are viewed differently there. She loves her fiance, but first and foremost, her family’s (and her) concerns were whether or not he was finacially stable, of good character and reputable social standing.
It seems strange to americans, but there are many other countries that prioritize social status and financial means over love. Those countries tend to have lower divorce rates too. Maybe it’s because they don’t see themselves as falling “in and out of love” or because divorce is not socially acceptable. Not sure, but if you are raised in a certain mindset, then it seem natural.
Sometimes I think Americans put way to much emphasis on love and passion, than compatibility and stability. Having been with my Fiance for 7 years, there were rough patches where we were not “passionately” in love, but we found ways to work on it and get our relationship back to where we wanted it. We are back to a place where we very much love each other, but it is not like the first two years, which is fine.
You cannot sustain a long relatioship on “love” alone. You have to learn how to work through problems, figure out finances together, develop a friendship and mutual trust. Those things are not as attractive or desireable as passionate love, but those are what keep relationsihps going.
Post # 7
@Reign14: If I didn’t want kids, I doubt I would have married…we would have been fine without the marriage. So I guess in a way, sure.
Post # 8
Kinda. I know that my SO will be able to provide and build a life for/with me that I wouldn’t necessarily have with most other people. However, the love I have for him and the desires for a life of adventure and passion and dedication to certain causes and endeavors are the driving forces. The practical matters just further enforce my decision that he is “the one”.
Post # 9
One of my aunts gave me some advice once… She said marry for money first, have kids, raise them and make sure you’re all taken care of. Then if the marriage doesn’t last, marry for love the second time around. I guess she said this b/c she married (and subsequently divorced) my uncle for love, had kids with him, and my uncle and the kids are a mess. He was just not husband material…broke, and is now on drugs. Their son (my cousin) turned out the same way. Their daughter (my other cousin) actually turned out fine but could be further along in life if she had the family structure and parental support.
Following her advice is defintely easier said than done! I love my Fiance and think he’ll be a great person to build a life with. But I make more than he does and will probably be able to provide more stability and financial security to our future. I’m OK with that, but can’t help to wonder what it’d be like to marry someone who makes as much as or more than me and have twice the purchasing power I have on my own. Don’t think I’ll ever love anyone as much as my Fiance though, so my reasons for marrying a more well-off many would be more practical.
Although when men make a lot more than the women, I notice that he’s not always as involved in the household and family because he feels he’s doing his part by providing financially. I’d rather have my Fiance who I know will be instrumental in maintaining our household and raising our future kids.
To each their own though. I can see benefits to both.
Post # 10
I am marrying my Fiance for love first. It just so happens that he’s financially stable. So that’s just a bonus.
Post # 11
This reminds me of when women say they “married well.” I feel sorry for people who marry just for money and practicality. I want to get married because I’m in love with my soul mate, my true other half. Having the relationship we do, I feel sorry for women who don’t find that and marry for money. I mean, vacations, cars, houses, jewelry, etc are nice but they can’t make you happy.
Of course, I think the practical elements of a relationship are very important and being compatible is essential. But to marry essentially to live a certain lifestyle is sad IMO.
Post # 12
Yes and no.
I wouldnt have married my husband if it wasnt a good business decision, to put it crudely. I knew he was stable, could provide financially and emotionally. I knew he was a hard worker, was successful, wanted the same goals as I do.
I also love him. And I do not mistake love with puppy eyed passionate infatuation. Its something different. Its something that endures when that infatuation/ hormonal swing ends. Its something that can exist when infatuation may never exist. Its something that allows you to look at things a bit more clearly and not through quite as tinted rose colored glasses.
Post # 13
Never really thought tooo much about this but now that I have I guess it is a very wise business deal. We actually own our business together and I think it will end up helping our business as a husband and wife team versus just boyfriend and girlfriend playing house! I agree with the PP…good life, good finances, good parents, respect + love…I’m all over it!
Post # 14
i could never marry simply for financial reasons. We will never have a fancy house or anything like that, but we will live comfortably and our house will be filled with love and laughter every day.
That means alot more.
However the fact that he is a hard worker is something i love and admire about him. If he couldn’t hold down a job i would think he was immature and unresponsible.
Post # 15
I love my husband, but us wanting the same things and having similar outlooks on life was a factor.
i couldnt marry without love – just to have children and stability. but even if i loved someone, i wouldnt have married…oh i don’t know, a hippy drifter who wants to travel strumming his guitar and never put down roots
Post # 16
I know someone who married their husband for business/image reasons. Basically she and her husband have “separate lives,” but they live together for economical reasons and are married for tax benefits and health insurance/other benefits. When I first saw a pic of her and her husband, I was like, “Wtf? They look like they have ZERO chemistry and don’t even like each other!” However, over time she admitted that they had separate lives and barely do anything together.
She got married for image reasons too. They live in NYC, and I have found that area to be strange when it comes to expectations for women from my few years in the area. Girls/women are expected to “have fun” and “sleep around” in their 20s. However, once they hit their 30s, everyone is asking “Where is your husband and kids?” Unfortunately, the dating pool for women in their 30s is nonexistent in NYC (it’s bad enough for women in their 20s), hence people like the woman I know grab the first opportunity presented to them in order to stop the questions and meet the “expectations.” Single stigma (mostly regarding single women) is very prevalent after a certain age point here.*
*Please note that I am not trying to offend anyone here. This is just what I myself have observed about NYC culture.