Any Bees Happily Married 15+ Years?

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
2011 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

We’ve only been married 4 months.

However my parents have been happily married 38 years. They’re each other’s best friends. They do everything together. When my mum went overseas with my sister for 2 weeks he missed her terribly. 

They have six grown up kids and will have 9 grand kids by end of the year. Family is everything to them.

They were together 2 years before marriage and I don’t think they lived together before hand. 

Their secret is never go to bed angry and don’t sweat the small stuff.

Post # 3
Member
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Sorry if this is annoying or irrelevant, but I wanted to respond anyways.

I am not married yet (recently engaged), but my fiance and I are very fortunate to have a lot of people in our lives who have been happily married for long lengths of time and who show no sign of stopping.

Both of our sets of parents have been married 30+ years (my parents are celebrating their 40th in one month!)

My brother and sister in law have been married 15 years (today, actually!)

One pair of close friends of ours have been married 9 years but together for 15. Another pair has been married for 10 years and together 13 or 14.

All of our married Aunts and Uncles on both sides of the family have been married anywhere from 15-40 years. Only divorce on either side of our families is my one much older cousin on my moms side who TBH just isn’t a good decision maker in general and whose ex our entire family hated from the start. We’ve both got cousins who have been married 10+ years. Out of our social groups, we only have one pair of friends that divorced, and  that was in their second year of marriage and not entirely surprising to anyone. 

Given that the vast majority of our friends and family who have gotten married have remained married (and happy), I think we are on pretty solid foundation and have very healthy views about what makes a relationship healthy. So I’m going to semi answer your questions based on the relationships we have learned from.

1. How long have you been married?

N/A

2. How long were you dating before you got engaged? How long were you engaged before you were married?

We were dating 3.5 years when we got engaged and will marry on or around our 6th anniversary. Most of our friends/family got engaged around 1.5-2 years in.

3. Is this your first marriage?

For both of us, yes. And among our friends and family, only one pair involves a second marriage and that is my one recently married bro whose new wife is on her 2nd (his first).

4. Do you have children? If so, how many?

We will not be having children. Most of our family/friends who have been married 10+ years do have kids. The one pair of friends that have been together 15 yrs and married 9 do not have kids (but unfortunately, not by choice). Same with one of my Aunt/Uncle pairs.

5. Did you live together before marriage?

Most of my family didn’t. His family are about half and half. All of our friends did.

6. Do you share a bed or do you have beds a la I Love Lucy?

We share a bed and as far as I am aware so do all our married friends and family.

7. What is the “secret” to a long-lasting, happy marriage? Or if you could give one piece of advice to others for their marriage, what would you say?

I honestly believe that it comes down to having a “team” mentality. You can love one another to the moon and back and still have a shit marriage if you don’t see your partner as your teammate in life. That doesn’t mean you lose your individual identities or anything, but that everything you do, everything you face and every decision you make is filtered through what’s best for “us”, not what’s best for “me”. 

Post # 4
Member
978 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

1. How long have you been married?

Thirty-five years today.

2. How long were you dating before you got engaged? How long were you engaged before you were married?

Three weeks. Seven months.

3. Is this your first marriage?

Yes. His, too.

4. Do you have children? If so, how many?

No.

5. Did you live together before marriage?

Yes.

6. Do you share a bed or do you have beds a la I Love Lucy?

Separate rooms due to snoring.

7. What is the “secret” to a long-lasting, happy marriage? Or if you could give one piece of advice to others for their marriage, what would you say?

Grow up, know who you are, detach from your family of origin, get your finances in order; then meet someone you love and admire and enjoy with whom you share basic values/goals and a sense of humor, and s/he feels all those ways about you. (Easy, huh? Our combined age was 79 when we managed to do this.)

Advice: Be married to each other, not to your mothers or even your careers. Remember what Dan Savage points out: Every relationship comes with its price of admission.

Post # 5
Member
358 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

 Well, we’ve only been married 2 years, but we’ve been together for 14 years total. So I’m not sure if I’m “qualified” to answer, but I’ll give some perspective anyways.

Communication is key. We are extremely open to each other about our needs and expectations. We don’t play games. If we are mad/sad/annoyed by something, we tell each other right away instead of letting resentment build. We communicate in a healthy way and remove ourselves from the situation if we can’t. If there is a problem, we work together to find a solution instead of ignoring it and letting it fester.

We accept each others weaknesses and play up our strengths. Each of us try to fill in each other’s blanks in order to balance the relationship. No one is responsible for the bulk of any baggage- whether it be emotional, financial (we divide everthing 50/50), physical such as chores, etc.

We respect each other’s wants and needs. We know our love languages- they are different- and adapt to make sure we’re both satisfied. We put each other first when it matters.

Post # 6
Member
1642 posts
Bumble bee

1.  22 years now

2.  How long dating before engaged: about a year, then engaged about 6 months

3.  First marriage? No, not for either of us

4.  Kids: I had one from the previous marriage, he had none she was 11 when I met him

5.  Live together before?  Yes

6.  We shared a bed in the beginning years.  Then, I had a surgery, and due to the meds keeping me awake sometimes during the recovery, I began sleeping on the couch.  Well, when we tried to sleep together again, his snoring I just couldn’t sleep thru anymore.  And, we both have opposite room temperature needs, which became worse, so I just went back to sleeping on the couch.  We’ve done that now for years and years. 

I was at a get together with some friends and of the 6 couples, only one actually slept in the same bed anymore, long term marriages.  Sleep is very important.

6.  Secret/advice.  I just don’t know.  I love him.  He’s my best friend.  At 60 and 63, we are aging now, that’s a trip.  I just surrendered to marriage, gave in to it completely.  There is no not making it work, we will make it work (he feels that way too).  It’s too precious of a relationship to both of us.

I ask myself daily what can I do to make his day better?  His evening better?  Home should be that “soft place to fall”, (Dr. Phil said that right?) and so I make our home that place for him.  He does for me too.

Oh, and just to clarify I would never tolerate abuse, that is not present in this marriage, no abuse of me, or our kid or substances.  Those would be dealbreakers.

Post # 7
Member
10853 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

1. How long have you been married?

Since November, 2010.

2. How long were you dating before you got engaged? How long were you engaged before you were married?

Seven years.  Engaged, I honestly don’t remember.  Probably a few months.

3. Is this your first marriage?

Dh was married for 20 years to his ex who is bipolar, but refuses treatment  He bailed when He fiscal the cheating.

As for me, we will save the details of my wayward and impetuous youth for another time.  Suffice it to say, I’ve shuffled the  green mile a few times.

4. Do you have children? If so, how many?

Dh has two adult sons from his previous marriage.

I am a totally contented CFBC.  Dh got snipped after his second was born, so we were quite simpatico there.

5. Did you live together before marriage?

No.  We actually lived about a block from each other for awhile.

6. Do you share a bed or do you have beds a la I Love Lucy?

Share.

7. What is the “secret” to a long-lasting, happy marriage? Or if you could give one piece of advice to others for their marriage, what would you say?

Beats me.

Step One: find the right guy. Pairing off with someone unsuitable or toxic for you is a huge time suck, at best.. Quit trying to jam square pegs into round holes. Focus on guys you genuinely would have in your life as friends if you weren’t dating.

It’s not supposed to be hard, people. Having a devoted partner elevates you and makes your life better.  The struggles will come, don’t worry.  But, it will be the stuff Real Life hurls at you, not constant struggles with each other.

And never, ever mistake intensity for intimacy.  Relationships that are intense at the start often end up being dumpster fires.

Be friends first.

And Number One Nugget of Wisdom:  don’t take it personally.

Post # 8
Member
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

20sparklingyears :  ” Home should be that “soft place to fall”

Dr. Phil (eyroll) or not, this is solid advice. I would never, ever, ever allow myself to be in a relationship where I didn’t feel like coming home would make me feel better after a crappy day, or where I don’t want to go home because I feel shitty there. Noooooope. No way.

Fiance and I both get into moods sometimes, but we don’t take them out on each other and the odd time one of us does, we apologize right away. Our home is a safe, comforting place and we are both committed to making sure that it always is.

Post # 10
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

cassandra7 :  I love this SO MUCH. Congratulations on getting It right and keeping It right! Happy Anniversary, and many more. 

Post # 11
Member
4199 posts
Honey bee

This site is bizarre. I’ll have to try again.

Married for 32 years. Engaged after 6 months of dating, married 1 year after engagement. We did not live together prior to marriage. First marriage for both of us, although I had been engaged previously but broke it off.

We have 2 kids who are no longer kids. One is married, the other is in med school. We slept in the same bed for 25 years until I started a job where I had to get up really early and go to bed early. I love sleeping alone. We have a lot of bedrooms with adjoining baths so it’s not like one of us is sleeping on the couch.

As far as advice goes, I’d say don’t hold things in that are bothering you about your spouse. That will lead to resentment, which can kill a marriage.

Have lots of sex.

Post # 12
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 1998

1. How long have you been married? 20 years this past June  

2. How long were you dating before you got engaged? How long were you engaged before you were married? We dated 1 year before engaged and engaged 1.5 years before marriage  

3. Is this your first marriage? Yes for both.  I was 22 and he was 26 when we married  

4. Do you have children? If so, how many? Yes, we have 2  

5. Did you live together before marriage? Kinda. We moved to my parents house a few months before the wedding but stayed in separate rooms. After the wedding, we stayed in an apt.    

6. Do you share a bed or do you have beds a la I Love Lucy? Share a bed. Always have

7. What is the “secret” to a long-lasting, happy marriage? Or if you could give one piece of advice to others for their marriage, what would you say?  Neither of you should want to divorce at the same time. 😂 I kid. Truly, remember it’s a partnership and nobody and no thing is perfect. It’s work but it’s worth it! There is no room for selfishness in a marriage. Be one. Live and love as one. Support and encourage each other. Make a life together where you are each other’s “person”- always. 

Post # 13
Member
306 posts
Helper bee

I LOVE THIS POST!!!  

1. How long have you been married? 20 years as of this week!!!  

2. How long were you dating before you got engaged? How long were you engaged before you were married?   This one is funny and no one can believe it but we got engaged in SEVEN Days.  We met on Friday and 7 days later he shocked me by getting down on his knee and asking me to marry him!! We planned our wedding for 5 months after so we knew each other 5 months total when we tied the knot.  

3. Is this your first marriage?  Yes.  For both of us.  We were both 23.  

4. Do you have children? If so, how many? 3 kiddos.  Our son and twin girls! 

5. Did you live together before marriage? No.  Southern old fashioned girl… and hell, we didn’t have time!  He left for another state and we only saw each other every two weeks after engagement.  So really… we only saw each other 1 week of dating and then 10 weekends.  

6. Do you share a bed or do you have beds a la I Love Lucy?   Shared King size with our Great Danes. 

7. What is the “secret” to a long-lasting, happy marriage? Or if you could give one piece of advice to others for their marriage, what would you say?    I’d say you have got to be able to laugh… at yourself and at each other and truly love not only each other but LOVE the commitment you have made to stay together and challenge each other to grow and become the best you can be and then accept each other for what that may be!  You will change through the years… and so will your spouse… embrace it.  Find out your strengths and weaknesses and don’t be afraid to talk about them.  Ask each other what you can do to better meet their needs and vice versa!  Appreciate each other… and when you struggle… and you will… you have got to say… we are staying together no matter what… so it’s not IF we figure this out… it’s when and how.  Once you learn how to communicate… your worst days will involve tears and anger but in the end… you know he or she has your back… on the worst day.   And that means on your best days that you’re bulletproof.  LAUGH.  LOVE. And be a strength when they need you so they return the favor.  Be a team.  A united front and you’ll get through it all together.  Forever!~   

 

  (*Of course, this doesn’t mean to condone abuse or cheating, etc.)

Post # 14
Member
306 posts
Helper bee

PS… My parents are on their 49th and my spouses parents are on 50th!!   So we both came from families that the marriage was important and something you work for and take care of each other.  I get foot rubs every night  and flowers for no reason because he knows that means a lot to me.  And he gets the meals he loves and back rubs when he isn’t expecting them.  We spoil each other until it just becomes what we do and not spoiling.   

 

Post # 15
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

sassy411 :  Agree so much with you. My mom always tells me the same thing. (And she just celebrated her 50th wedding anniversary) Your relationship is supposed to bring you happiness.   You’ll face challenges together but those challenges shouldn’t be coming from each other.

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