Post # 1
Me and my fi are fortunate enough that in a few years we will be able to comfortably live off my income alone… which is a blessing because he doesn’t have stable work or any real qualifications. This doesn’t really bother me because when I evaluate my life and think of what I really want, I want to live a life with love, a family and happiness… nowhere in there is “being rich”, superficial items or monetary value… sure it will help with the “happiness” but its not a real factor for what I want out of my life.
I know what your thinking “This guy is just marrying her for the money…” I really hope thats not true… we have been together since i was 13 and wanted to be a hairdresser… I don’t think he would have stuck around this long if he just wanted a payday… I’ve never supported him, its been 50/50 so far.
I’ve discussed it with fi, and right now he is eager to be a stay at home husband… He says he will cook and clean etc etc etc, but he hasn’t proven it yet. I’ve given him the task of whenever I’m home, he needs to prove he CAN be a stay at home husband and won’t just lie around playing video games all day… we’ll see how this turns out 😛
I like the idea because it would save us money on housekeepers, boarding for our horse(s), and daycare and the children would get to grow up with their father minding them.
I am hestitant of the idea because I’m afraid I’ll resent that he gets to stay at home and be with the kids, or I won’t like the way he’s raising them. I’m also nervous he won’t cook or clean or do any household chores and I’ll have to hire help anyways (or just do it myself after a long days work…).
So my question is, how is the dynamic with a stay at home husband? Why did you choose this route for your family? Do you ever resent the fact that you have to work while your husband stays at home?
Post # 3
Following, because as soon as we can have my Darling Husband stay home we will be TTC, love to hear from other people.
Post # 4
I think its great he wants to be a stay at home dad. Why are you afraid you will be resentful? I’d be pissed if I was a stay at home mom and my Darling Husband told me he was resentful that I stayed home and he had to go to work– Staying at home w kids IS hard work! Cooking, cleaning, running errands all while juggling a child is extremely hard.
Post # 5
I grew up with a neighbor who was a SAHD! He was AWESOME.
Make SURE that he can actually cook/clean/etc. If he’s staying home, chores are no longer 50/50… They’re his responsibility! So if he decides the toilet only needs to be cleaned once a month… Can you live with that?
Set your standards early!
I would also give it a trial run before TTC, so you can work out the bugs before TTC stress/pregnancy insanity!
Post # 6
I have been married about a year and a half and I have a stay at home husband. I’m very fortunate to have a job that makes well into the 6 figures, so we can pay all of our bills with only my income. I am 27 and my husband is 30 and we have zero interest in having children until probably 7 years from now. My husband has been staying home full time for about a year now. He was willing to go get a job, but I told him I was fine with him waiting for a really good job or finding ways to work from home instead of getting some boring job just for the sake of working.
I think it’s the best thing ever! I am awful at cleaning and I hate laundry so I’m glad he takes care of all that. He gets all the groceries too thank goodness. We both cook, but typically we just eat microwave lean cuisines or something. If I ever ask him to cook something he will, though… or bring me someting at work. He also manages all the bills and finances and makes sure nothing is forgotten. This time of year he spends lots of time hunting so he’s very happy. I have zero complaints!!
The only issue we have is other people providing thier opinions about our life. Close family members have tried to convince him that the man needs to work and I will kick him out after the smallest argument since he doesn’t work. People think I’m working myself to death so he can be lazy (not true… I work 40 hours a week… standard job). He gets really stressed sometimes worrying about “what if they are right?” It’s a lot harder to tune out than you’d think. Especially when it’s from our moms.
Post # 7
Darling Husband REALLY wants to be a Stay-At-Home Dad, but I REALLY want to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. Neither one of make enough money for the other to stay at home comfortably, but right now he is working on a commission only job from home I am working out of the house 40hrs a week. If I made more money I wouldn’t have as much of an issue with it, but I’m pregnant. Like it was mentioned above, I definitely think I will feel some type of way if he is home raising our kids and I have to be the one to work. Darling Husband does not clean or cook so he would pretty much be a babysitter and then I would work all day and come home to cook and clean. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I’m 6mths now and I’d say we have a few kinks to work out before LO comes.
Post # 8
My ex was a Stay-At-Home Dad. He promised he would cook and clean. But he didn’t. I came home to a mess every day. And also had to cook dinner most of the time. The worst thing though was they he felt the house was all his. I would do the cleaning but then he would complain about how I did it. If he did clean something and then I left a bowl in the sink he would tell me I was messing up his office.
He became very depressed and we divorced after 6 years of this. The second I walked in the door, he felt he was done with his job and would disappear. That left me to basically be a single mom every night. And we never spent time as a couple.
I know many other people that did a Stay-At-Home Dad situation and it did not work very well for them either. Men say they can handle not working, but for a lot of guys, it ruins their feeling of being a man and a provider. Our therapist kept telling my ex to get a job as that would help him feel more like a contributor but he insisted it didn’t bother him.
Post # 9
Not me, but a coworker’s husband is a Stay-At-Home Dad. I think it’s really cute because every couple of weeks when school is out, he’ll bring their kids up to have lunch as a family in her office.
I could see the possibilitiy of Darling Husband and I in that situation in a few years, because like her, I am the breadwinner. Her husband is a retired engineer so he actively engages their children in engineering and teaching activities, and I could see Darling Husband doing that as well since he’s a lot more intelligent than I am and is always reading new non-fiction books. Her husband is also very involved in mentoring programs, so even if it’s volunteer work, he still has work to do outside the home.
I don’t know how they divide the cooking and cleaning, but he does have a list of home improvement projects that he works on when the kids are in school. Anyway, it seems to really work for them and she’s able to take off enough time to do the lunch at school and other things with them as well.
Post # 10
My Darling Husband would love to stay at home and he would be wonderful at it. He has worked from home in the past and it was great for us. He’s great at cleaning, repairs, yard stuff, car stuff, and omg he is a great cook. Right now, we both work full-time and the household tasks are divided pretty fairly – I imagine I would still contribute by keeping up with the tasks I do now, even if he was at home. We both enjoy taking care of our house, but I always see myself working outside the home. We’ve talked quite a bit about it and it’s likely he’d do some freelancing (computer programming) to give some structure to his days and keep up with his skills/industry. He would love to have extended time at home to work on his writing as well. He’d want to be sure to have a social network of other dudes who are home during the day so he doesn’t get lonely.
Post # 11
I don’t have a problem with SAHDs. Logistically I’m more apt to staying at home for a variety of practical reasons.
However, there is a movement amongst SAHMs who don’t do anything but care for their children. They view household chores as 50/50. SO with that said, make sure you sit down and communicate both of your expectations. Negotiate it.
Post # 12
Being a stay-at-home mom or dad does not automatically mean the stay-at-home spouse does all the cleaning/cooking/chores. Being a full time parent is a full time job – especially for infants. Both spouses should agree to what you think is an equitable division of chores!
Post # 13
@dv3849: A friend of mine deicided to go back to work right after baby, I believe baby was 2 months old, and she ended up with a c section so it took her a little longer to pass her physical. Her husband is estatic. I remember her telling me that they shook on it so he couldn’t change his mind lol
With 1 year paternity leave (we’re canadian)., he’s bringing in the same amount as he was before, and since she didn’t start at a job early enough to claim mat leave, she went back, so they’re not making any less money. He’s a fantastic cook and they both really like to keep a clean house so it’s working for them!
At first I didn’t understand it. My first thought why would any woman want to skip the first year of her childs life. But now I understand that its not for everyone, and of course you don’t miss everything.
For myself, when I get my BFP anyways, I plan to work as long as I can, then once baby is born I’ll take the 52 week mat leave, and probably only go back to working part time, or if we can afford it, I’ll be a stay at home mom.
Post # 14
@CityBearBride: Agreed 100%
I’m 4 months pregnant now, and plan to be a Stay-At-Home Mom once our LO arrives, as Darling Husband earns more than I do and I want nothing more than to be at home with my baby.
If Darling Husband was to get home and expect a perfect house and to sit on the lounge watching tv while I cooked and cleaned for him I would be pissed (thankfully he agrees that being a mum is hard work and will help with chores)
I think its really unfair to EXPECT that everything be done for you, just because you earn more money.. I’m pretty sure a lot of people would rather be at work instead of dealing with a grumpy 2 year old 🙂
Marriage is about being a team.
Post # 15
I don’t have children, but my dad was a stay-at-home dad for me. He was injured on the job and unable to work so he stayed at home with us. Although I am grateful for that opportunity, we recently talked about how people put him down and how those feelings are changing in society. I think being a stay-at-home dad is a great setup and am glad more men are choosing it for themselves. I think that as long as your family is setup financially/budget properly and each indidual wants that role, I think any stay-at-home arrangement will work.
Post # 16
I’m a Stay-At-Home Wife and I do all the cooking/cleaning/chores and it works well for us. I feel that as long as you both have a team mentality and neither person is trying to “take advantage” of the other, it can definitely work.