Any bees that are now happily married…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
13815 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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danibee5683 :  The point is you haven’t yet agreed to be married. There’s a big difference in having doubts when you are uncommitted and while you are engaged. While dealbreakers can happen at any time, if there are any doubts one should not make any lifetime commitments. 

Post # 17
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I had no doubts. I do not think one should commit their life to another person if they’re anything less than positive it’s the right decision. 

Post # 18
Member
1097 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I never had doubts about him, but I did have pretty much a full blown panic attack a few days before the wedding. Just about how massive of a commitment it was, the stress of a big wedding, god forbid what if something did go wrong in our relationship would my parents resent the money they had spent on our wedding. But the way he responded to my fears and stayed up with me all night and let me talk reassured me that he is and always has been the perfect person, and I was letting stupid little things freak me out about marriage, not marriage to him, but marriage in general. I’m generally not one to enjoy big life changes or feeling “tied down” and I was afraid I would feel differently after being married, but I definitely didn’t and all is well. 

Post # 19
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I did have doubts. Not about my DH so much or whether I loved him, but it was more of like a quarter life crisis, wondering whether I was actually ready to settle down/if I was doing the right things with my life. But once we were actually married all of my doubts went away and it just felt right.

Post # 21
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee

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weddingmaven :  While we definitely don’t consider ourselves uncommitted, I do see where you’re coming from and respect what you and others are saying. When we started looking at rings/talking seriously about getting engaged, I had a lot of unexpected anxiety. I was confused about my feelings and wondered if it meant I was having doubts. While I understand it’s different, I was just offering a different perspective from my own personal experiences since my anxiety tends to be exacerbated by big changes.

Post # 22
Member
6024 posts
Bee Keeper

My first engagement? I had nothing but doubts, which is why I weasled out of commiting to a wedding date and ended the relationship.

It was a stark contrast to my second engagement (and marriage). I didn’t have any doubts whatsoever. I think he did once when I got mad at my hair and threw the brush across the room. He’d never seen me get angry. I still remember the shock on his face. But he got over it lol. My hair still annoys me but I haven’t thrown any brushes since then.

Post # 23
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

I know it’s more romantic to say “No I was 100% sure 100% of the time!” But *of course* I had doubts, the same way I have had doubts about every major decision in my life- moving cities, career moves, choosing a college, having children, medical decisions, friendship/family dynamics, financial issues, buying a house, you catch my drift…. I am a natural skeptic so I always approach my decisions from an alternate point of view and pick holes in my own plan, which certainly inspires some doubts. The doubts were not pressing or credible enough to make me change my plan to get married and it didn’t cause any material issues between my husband and I, however. Marriage is one of the most significant decisions of our lives so I would think it’s normal to have some degree of *reasonable* doubt or skepticism.

Post # 24
Member
2737 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

You should ALWAYS take the time to reflect on such a major life decision. However, it’s probably best to do that before getting engaged. Accepting his proposal tells your SO, “I’ve thought this through and have no reservations about you or our life together, so yes. Let’s do this thing!” 

It’s natural to have nerves about the whole process (my introverted self is dying because my SO wants a wedding and not just to elope haha), or to feel stressed during wedding planning, but from personal experience, I can tell you: If you’re having doubts about the man/woman or the relationship, that’s not a good sign. Perhaps surmountable, but not good. 

Post # 25
Member
4811 posts
Honey bee

With my exH, I did have doubts.  I don’t think I realized how serious those doubts were until we were a couple months away from the wedding and our family and close friends had already purchased flights and booked accomodations, so I think I pushed it to the back of my mind and went through with it.   I isolated each thing that bothered me and said “well I can live with him not picking up his socks” and “it’s ok that he isn’t great at saving money because we can work on that together.”  But then one day you wake up and you realize that he is a slob, who is in major debt, he gaslights you anytime you have a fight and he’s having an emotional (maybe physical) relationship with a friend, but blames you for his actions.  

No one needs to tell me how stupid that was and I wish I had sought out help when I was having those doubts (but when you are being gaslit, it’s very easy to doubt yourself and blame yourself for everything and you feel absolutely crazy).  Cancelling the wedding would have been far better than dealing with a divorce.  I know this now, but for some reason, I wanted to think the best about this person that I had spent over 5 years of my life with.  

Wedding planning has a way of blinding you from what is really happening in the relationship, but once the party is over and you settle back into real life, and your past issues will creep and now seem that much worse because now you are legally bound to that person.

Now, on the flip side, I have absolutely no doubts with my fiance.     

 

Post # 26
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

No, not at all. I did have a moment where I realized “omg I’m never going to have those nervous, awkward, can’t eat at all, watching my phone for text messages” new relationship butterflies ever again. But then I quickly dismissed my shock b/c long term relationships have a completely different sort of chemistry and butterflies. Tackling life together is way more fun 🙂 

Post # 27
Member
1354 posts
Bumble bee

None at all.

Post # 28
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I think it depends on what you mean by “doubts”. During our engagement I definitely had points where I did a serious evaluation on whether this is what I wanted for the rest of my life. It’s a huge committment, I think it deserves conscious and direct thought given to it.

I went through all the aspects of our lives and relationship – asking myself “if this is what it looks like for the rest of your life, are you going to feel that was a life well lived” as well as “If life throws horrible things at you (death, permanent crippling injury, financial strife, etc), is this a person that I think I can partner with through those tough times?”.

Like any evaluation, nobody scores perfectly on all measures. Of course my SO has “weaknesses”, as do I! So then I had to think through, do those (to me) “weaknesses” outweigh the strengths and benefits? For me they didn’t come close. And I didn’t feel like I was compromising. So I knew going ahead with the marriage was the right thing.

We’ve been married 3 years, very very happily. We’ve known each other 10 years and been together for ~7. 

If you are having true doubts – feelings of “run”- then listen to those. If you are feeling a need to evaluate this decision carefully, that to me is not a doubt, that is just good common sense prior to a huge life-committment. 

Post # 30
Member
554 posts
Busy bee

With my first marriage and husband? Yes. It didn’t last. This marriage? Absolutely none. I could not wait to marry my best friend. 

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