Post # 60
I too had doubts about my former marriage, even though I adored my exH. I should have listened to my gut. Never hope that the person changes – that shouldn’t be the basis for marriage!!
My now-husband had doubts about his ex and boy were they accurate 😳
I’ve never had doubts about him, and our marriage is super strong and super easy, despite some very trying circumstances (special need kiddo, etc).
Post # 61
justsomebee : in my last marriage yes, I definitely had doubts. But I used the conscious transitions website to work through (what I thought was) my own anxiety about change. Turns out i was ignoring my gut. I would now advise everyone to go with their gut and not marry anyone they aren’t 100% sure about.
Post # 62
I already answered, but I wanted to add that since I have been divorced, I do sometimes question if a marriage can stand the rest of time. And it has nothing to do with my fiancé, just in general. I question if we will continue to grow together and work towards keeping the relationship strong or if at some point we will become lethargic towards it all.
We are only 4 years in and still going strong, but we have a lot of people around us getting divorced and it just makes me wonder.
Post # 64
justsomebee : I did before my first marriage, to be blunt. There were a few things that he did or said that were NOT abusive or anything like that, it was just he was not the one for me. I never felt the level of respect for him that I feel for my current hubby. My first husband was a good dad (okay, really, I did most of the heavy lifting) but deep down he was selfish with his time and needs. And kinda of OCD with things where things would get stuck in his head and hae would not see things in a more productive manner. We were married for 17 years so it was not all bad, lol, and he gave me my two sons and for that I am grateful. But I have been with my current husband for about six and a half years and it has been way more happy, way more better. Another example: he was more than content to let me earn a bigger salary. Now I must be clear: I am NOT motivated by money but we gotta eat and live. He STILL earns less than $15 an hour and is about to turn 57 years old. But he wanted a boat, an ATV, a cabin……just did not want to earn the money to do it, let the wife do it, thanks. I am a special ed teacher, never earned a big salary, he had champagne tastes on a beer budget and refused to look for a higher paying job. His taxable income for 2018 was $30,000. (Saw it on my son’s FAFSA.)
So yes, I did doubt if he was THE ONE….cause he wasn’t. Those doubts were just not serious for me to consider breaking up with him. I wish I had but then I would not have my kids.
PS – my hubby and I keep our finances, for the most part separate!! Works out for us!!!
Sorry for the long post but if ANYONE has anything more than just cold feet or if your fiance does not truly satisfy your emotional needs or is happy to be chronically underemployed…..please rethink the engagement.
Post # 65
To be honest, and this might come with a lot of backlack from other Bee’s, but I don’t think there should be any doubts about the person you’re marrying. And I think society paints is as a normal picture, simply because there’s so many train wreck relationships out there. As cynical as this may sound, I have found that the majority of relationships aren’t good relationships. I’m surrounded by smart, intelligent, and driven friends. Doctors, Lawyers, Engineers, etc. They’re highly intelligent people, and yet I look at their relationship and see the obvious issues and red flags. And most of them see it to and have admitted to the red flags, yet they still end up marrying that individual. Why? There’s a huge variety of answers, but I think the biggest one is that so many people just settle. People become infactuated with the IDEA of love more than the actual love itself. They keep happy thoughts towards planning a beautiful wedding and taking a fantastic honeymoon. But, at the end of the day, you’re now married to that person.
I know 6 people who just got married. I myself am getting married 6 months from now. Of those 6 marriages I’ve just mentioned, 5 of them expressed small doubts to me before they married and have also come to me to say how unhappy they are in their marriage. So the reality, to me, is that doubts shouldn’t be painted as normal. You should NOT doubt spending the rest of your life with a person. And if you do have doubts you need to seriously consider what those doubts are and if they’re more related to your own issues, or related specifically to the individual you’re marrying.
I, for one, have no doubts about marrying my SO. If anything, it’s the only thing in my life that I’m confident about. He is the one decision that I feel fully secure about.
Post # 66
No. But then again, I had a week long engagement BECAUSE I had no doubts about the relationship.
Post # 67
One more thing: I had ZERO doubts marrying my second husband. My wish for every bride and groom is to feel the way I felt on my second wedding day. Just 100% confidence in your mate AND having the wedding YOU want, not your parents, lol.
Post # 68
missmollybee : For spinoff question of having doubts before, during or after the wedding, I had no serious doubts during the engagement nor during the wedding, I did have a few red flags go up afterwards that made me go “Hmmmm……” But what are you gonna do? Get a divorce because he is kind of annoying? 17 years later, I can look at it and say we were meant to be parents and friends but not man and wife. My current hubby and I were childhood friends, have WAY more similiar upbringings (we grew up about a mile apart, lol) and yes, I kinda wished I had married him the first time! But who knows? Coulda would shoulda, right?
I mean, my first hubby was a glass half empty kinda guy. That, plus being underemployed and everything became SO HARD as I felt I was doing most of the work, he would not look for better paying work because he was “comfy” with how things were. Well I wasn’t, and I was tired of being broke all the time!!! He refused to change and when it dawned on him it was too late…..I was outta there.
Post # 69
I had a few doubts before getting married but I was on older bride who had been single a long long time….and to be honest I like doing things my own way. Many people can roll with the punches far better than me….so getting married was a big change for me and I was a bit anxious about it.
I’m clean and organized and my husband was not. So…. I worried about that.fast forward 14 years, 2 kids, and 2 cats, several jobs etc…. we are still married and we’re happy. The only time I am ever mad at him is when it has to do with cleaning up. He is far better than he used to be, and I’m less rigid as well, so it works for both of us!
Post # 70
- Wedding: March 2015 - Los Angeles, CA
Not doubts about marrying him. However, I did question if I was too young to be getting married! I was 24!
Post # 71
Never. A. Single. Ounce. Of. Doubt.
After about 5 hours after meeting him I knew he was special. (Cheesy, I know)
Post # 72
I would caution about the bias in the comments we have here, with a lot of people saying they had doubts about a first marriage (that later ended in divorce), but no doubts at all about a second marriage. The suggestion is that “no doubts” is required for a successful marriage.
Second marriages on average have a much higher divorce rate (60-70%) than first marriages (50%). So you have a bias in our posts here because 1) we’re mainly hearing from those who are super happy in a second (or third) marriage, rather than those who aren’t, and 2) we also have no idea what the ultimate success rate of those marriages will be, as many people are married a decade or even multiple decades before divorce.
Post # 73
I did not doubt if I was marrying the right person but I was nervous about making such a big commitment. I think it surprised me because I had wanted to be engaged to him and get married and so I didn’t expect the anxiety over the actual marriage part. Once the wedding happened I was fine and I have had no anxiety or nerves since. I think part of it was just being stressed in general from wedding planning.
Post # 74
I was engaged twice to the same person. When we got engaged the first time i was about 23, we had lived together for a year and been together for 5. Long story short i couldnt go through with it, had a pretty bad panic attack and left. We didnt speak for a year, but eventually spoke again and talked things through, then decided to get back together. 3 years after that we got engaged again, now married with kid and i never looked back.
i honestly think it was just an age thing for me, i was still in college, jobless and confused thinking about what i might do in the future. I thought i was ready, but i wasnt at the time.
got engaged the second time at 27, never once hesitated or worried. I was lucky he stuck around and gave me another chance after the first engagement.
Post # 75
I hate to pile on, but I had no doubts. None, whatsoever. I was so ready to marry him. We had a 5 month engagement, and it seemed to drag on forever. We’ve been married 1.5 years now. Still no doubts.