(Closed) Any Brides not changing their name??

posted 6 years ago in Traditions
Post # 31
Member
86 posts
Worker bee

When I get married I will definitely keep my last name. I have a great alliteration going on and I really love my name. My SO said he realy would like for me to take his last name and although I usually try to compromise especially with things that mean a lot to him but on this issue I don’t think I am going to bend. I don’t really see how changing my name is going us more of a family and I don’t see why I should have to go through the process of changing everything over. 

 

I am also in the National Guard and I like how my name is called when people address me. I earned my Masters with this last name, I recently ordered a new passport with this name and I swore in with last name. I respect people who decide to change their name but it’s not something I want to do and it doesn’t make sense for me. 

Post # 32
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
BMoreBecc:  I kept my last name for a variety of reasons, some professional and some personal. I think DH was maybe a little taken a back, but not hurt per se. His family is pretty conservative and I just don’t think he ever really thought about it before. My mother has definitely been the most vocal in her opposition and has expressed her opinion about how “ridiculous”, “hurtful” and even “disrespectful” (yea…) it is that I’ve kept my last name. Other than dealing with my family’s opinion, this has not caused any issues for us thus far (we’ve been married 2+ years) and I have no regrets! I think any woman should do what makes her happy and what feels right for her.

ETA: Just read the huffpo article you linked to and I totally agree. Those last 2 paragraphs particularly resonated with me.

Post # 33
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m not changing mine. I feel that my name is who I am, and that’s not going to change because I am married. SO is totally supportive. My sister was giving me a hard time about it and he said, “She shouldn’t have to change her name, she isn’t my property.”

Post # 34
Member
6375 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Any brides out there who aren’t changing (or didn’t change) your last name for marriage?

If not, what made you come to that decision?

I never did. If it’s not broke, why fix it? My only concern is, like some PPs said, taking children out of the country. I read a nightmare story about a British woman who ended up stranded in Hong Kong because they didn’t believe her kids were hers. She had to get copies of their birth certificates, and was stranded there for a week!

Was your Fiance ok with it? Not really. I said that if he wanted to get the papers and fill them all in, I might reconsider. He didn’t. In the end, it became a non-issue.

Did other people offer their unwanted opinions about it? Mother-In-Law was very positive, actually. She and I differ on lots of things, but she said she always regretted changing her name. She was in a family of girls, and it was the last llink to her dead father. She said she felt pressured, but that nowadays it didn’t matter, so she would have kept it if she could do it again.

And for those of you who are married with different last names, does it cause any issues at all? There are some people who passive-aggressively call me Mrs DH’s LastName. I don’t rise to the bait. I also sometimes get letters to Mrs DH’s LastName, or phone calls. I usually say “well, my husband is Mr DH’s LastName, so that’s close enough!” The only problem which may arise, I think, is if I have to do anything financial which would require me to prove I’m married to DH etc…

Post # 35
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

So far, the decision is that I will not be changing my last name.

If not, what made you come to that decision?: I am a teacher who has built my professional name on my maiden name. Kids at school know me by that name. Plus, FI’s name is really complex and Russian. I don’t think kids could pronounce it (and frankly, I don’t want to make them–I have barely mastered the Americanized version myself).

Was your Fiance ok with it?: Totally okay with it.

Did other people offer their unwanted opinions about it?: Not yet! I sometimes wonder if his parents will be confused or miffed, but they also know other Russian couples with separate last names, so perhaps they will understand. Time will tell! ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 36
Member
7802 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I am typically a very black and white sort of person, and it is either all the way or nothing for me. Had I not changed my name, you can d*mn well bet that one of my sons would carry MY last name and not his. I cannot see not compromising in one area and then compromising in another, KWIM? If tradition holds that a woman takes the man’s name and I rejected that, then why name the children after him? A 50/50 split would make more sense to me.

But for me personally, my father was more than willing to take my mum’s name when they got married and suggested it (a 4 letter English name as opposed to a 12 letter German name). She refused. I figured that since my dad wasn’t attached to the name, I didn’t have to be, either (and no matter how one looks at it, it is a patriarchal name anyway – if a person cares about the feminist aspect). So I changed my name so we (husband, me and the children) would all have the same last name. I earned my master’s after changing my name. Ha dI already established myself professionally with my maiden name, however, I probably would not have changed it.

Post # 37
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’d never consider changing my name, and my fiance would be surprised and confused if I suggested it (because he knows me pretty well, so it would never occur to him that I’d change my name).  I’m just too established professionally.  So I plan to continue to go by Dr. Myname, thereby skirting the whole Ms/Miss/Mrs issue, though I imagine I’ll occasionally be called Mrs. Hisname, which I’ll answer to graciously.  

Post # 38
Member
1186 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: A very pretty church.

Lol at “What if someone calls you Mrs Hislastname?” my mother has a doctorate, so the only adult in her house was a Dr Herlast. When people called asking for Dr & Mrs Herlast I would just say “we don’t take cold calls”, it’s a pretty neat way to tell between the people who do and do not know you/your family. 

Post # 39
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’m not changing my name. Fi is totally cool with it. Any of our children would have his last name, and we’d generally use it for things like reservations, holiday cards, etc ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 40
Member
45 posts
Newbee

View original reply
BMoreBecc:  I probably will not change my name. We have discussed it and I am blessed with a FH who is a feminist. He feels hyphenated names scream divorce (I don’t agree), so we are either keeping separate names, taking my last name (hilarious) or I will have two last names. I like his last name fine, but I want to keep my current name in some form for professional reasons. I have done graduate work and have a published paper as well as a large professional portfolio in my maiden name. fully changing names would stink for my career, and my guy doesn’t care about it enough to do that damage.

Post # 41
Member
45 posts
Newbee

View original reply
Twinkle99:  if his last name was X, I would definitely change my name. Mrs. X doesn’t need a professional reputation… She is obviously badass! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 42
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m not going to change my name. I’ve been living with my name for 30+ years and I’m kind of attached to it. ๐Ÿ™‚ When Fiance and I have a child I would like to incorporate my last name into his/her name somehow (probably as a middle name), but I am ok with my child having FI’s last name. 

Post # 43
Member
3292 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

If not, what made you come to that decision?

For me, it was an important choice as a feminist. I believe our identities are very tied to our surnames, and I don’t want my identity subsumed by my husband’s. I don’t need any other reason than that, although I could give many of the usual ones–I just think the bottom line is, it’s archaic and totally (obviously) sexist. How many men do you know who change anything when they get married?

Was your Fiance ok with it?

Yes. It was a non-issue.

Did other people offer their unwanted opinions about it?

Yes, mostly my mom (very “traditional” in some ways), who still insists that regardless of what I say, I am still “technically Mrs. Hisname.” Urmm… No I’m not! 

And for those of you who are married with different last names, does it cause any issues at all?

No. None. We have a kid, and it poses no problem. But I live in the NE in the US, where it is very commonplace for women to keep their birth names for life. <br />

Post # 44
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

We are planning to take each other’s last name (like Jay-Z and Beyonce did), but without a hyphen.

Our current names: Mary Sue Smith and John Samuel Jones

After marriage: Mary Sue Smith Jones and John Samuel Smith Jones

Our Kids Name: Joseph Smith Jones

To me, this is the most romantic solution. We are adding to our lives, but not taking anything away. It also solves the issue of our children not having my name. I realize socially people will probably call me Hislastname, but I will kindly let them know our decision to take each other’s names. 

 

Post # 45
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’ve posted about this before. I am keeping my last name because I don’t believe in giving up my identity just because I’m married, patriarchy, tradition and I have a solid professional background with degrees, accreditations and published research.

My Fiance is fine with it and our families are fine with it too. If we decide to have children they can have his last name, but I will probably insist on one child getting my last name.

As for unwanted comments? So many! As I said, I’ve posted about this before but besides the women who just gasp in shock, those that are able to speak have had some real gems. These are my top three favourites:

1. I guess that’s a good idea, it will make the divorce easier for you.

2. You’re not really committed to your marriage then.

3. If you don’t take his last name, you do not deserve to be married. 

Runner up: Your fiancé must be devastated, how emasculating for him.

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