(Closed) Any Bees agree with this parenting style?

posted 10 years ago in Parenting
Post # 32
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

i am a product of (almost )this style. . .except i got to go to sleepovers, play sports, and watch *occasional* TV–never cable of course! but otherwise. . .very very strict. very fear-based.  it made me ‘successful’ in life, sure. i’m a doctor and that’s great.

but now i have spent my 20s working my butt off, ALL i want to do career-wise after I finish my residency is become a stay at home mom.

and yes–i have a lot of inner resentment toward my mom that I have had to work through with a professional.

ps. also because of this, i think I am less inwardly motivated than a lot of other doctors, and I don’t think that’s good. my mom once told me ‘if you don’t go to medical school, that’s fine. but when you give me grandchildren, I will just start telling them from the time they are babies, that they HAVE to go to medical school. I don’t want them to think they have a choice’.

pps. also I think people raised this way don’t tend to do as well socially. they(we?) are not good at  being ‘chill’, which means you are not too much fun! so that ends up being something you have to learn as an adult.. . OR never learn.

Post # 33
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

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@hellorebecca:  That’s horrible.  I would have responded to your mother, “well then, you won’t be seeing your grandchildren.”

I almost feel like a lot of parents who push their kids too much are pushing b/c they never got where they wanted so they’re forcing it on their children.

Post # 34
Member
6014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree with some things from the article, but alot of it is extreme.  I think you do need to push a bit, set expectations, finish what you start, work for what you get and practice for more then just video games.  It’s like anything else, I don’t agree with the slack style of parenting that focus’s soley on self-esteem and being nice to each other, and giving everything the kid wants to them.  You take some from one .. some from another.

Post # 35
Member
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

i feel like its way too extreme!  no offense to Asain parents, but i would never be able to raise my kids this way.  and constanally calling them names all the times..isn’t that emotional abuse?  my mother called us every name under the book growing up, and i know how that made me feel and still struggle today with it. (expect she wasn’t trying to encourage us…she just did it b/c she could).  i would never be able to talk to my children that way…ever. 

Post # 36
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

I really think it does depend on the child. Me and my younger sister were brought up in a household to believe that any grade less than a B and if you are bad, you will get a whooping. I maintained a C average in school while my younger sister excelled. I was a very disciplined child, while my sister was very unruly. So I think it would depend on what works for your child.

Post # 37
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Wow, this hit a nerve with me too.

My mother was the strict lady. Very close to the lady in the article. Though I WAS allowed, and also encouraged to join extra-curricular activities. Which was quickly followed by a massive expectation of excelling at them too! Sleepovers were okay too.

My teenage years were spent in the States. And it was a huge transition but one that I quickly absorbed. I was happy being ‘free’.

Now in my adult hood, living in Canada and looking back, I am very happy that BOTH of those parenting styles happened in my life. And I feel they happened at accurate timings. When I was younger, I was being taught obedience, excellence, etc. When I was in my teen and in a highly volatile state of mind, I was let free. But I already had all those other ‘morals and values’ drilled in my head that I did not step out of line. I started having more fun, spending more time with friends, worrying less about grades, skipping school OCCASSIONALLY (yet feeling guilty if they were less than B’s. “I” wanted to be beyond a ‘B’ because I knew it deep inside that I was capable of it. My parents never looked over my grades at this point. (They were busy working all hours of the day to make ends meet.) 

I got a very healthy dose of both sides and I feel the way it was presented to me by consequences of life, was a very good format.

Post # 38
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I have a tendency to comment on threads that I don’t read all the replies to, sorry guys!

I would say that as a Chinese girl having been raised in the “Western style” that the grass is always greener.  I had friends that were raised in the Chinese style and I’ve never met more driven individuals.  They view life differently and are generally successful in everything they do.  I, on the other hand, have to work hard to do anything for longer than an hour at a time and with the pressures of grad school, I’m finding that I wish I had the focus of a true Chinese-raised girl. 

I’m sure my friends HATED going to chinese school EVERY Saturday until they graduated high school and I’m sure they hated having to practice piano while I watched power rangers.  But hey, now they’re fantastic pianists that can show off at parties and the best I can do is drunkenly dance Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”.  And I’m not even that good at it. 

I did, however, have one friend who was raised in that manner (kind of, maybe somewhere halfway between Western and Eastern.  Her parents were born here) and both her AND her brother are just f-ing crazy. 

So while some people things it’s mean…I mean…It kind of works.  A lot of it has to do with what kind of kid you have an how consistent you are with your parenting.  If you’re like my one friend who cannot/does not respond to that, your kids are just gonna go AWOL.  If they’re…well…normal, then it could work out.  And yeah, your kids hate you a little bit when they’re young, but I would say that everyone of my friends appreciate what their parents did for them because they gave them the tools to succeed.  And the older they get, the more they get over it.  There’s always going to be the few who don’t get over it, but kids are resilient, they’ll figure it out.

 

Post # 39
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

I was raised this way, without the pressure to get good grades (instead, I played the piano for 3-4 hours a day).  I liked school naturally, so didn’t really need pressure.

I look at how I was raised and compare it to how Cesar Millan raises his dogs, and it’s pretty similar actually.  I don’t mind at all actually…  exercise, discipline and affection work pretty well on kids and dogs alike!

Post # 40
Member
7768 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

It depends.  Maybe it could be successful if there was also a lot of support.  I can’t judge from this article.  Different things work for different cultures and different people.  I was raised like this without support.  It sounds like in this method the parents do want what is best for the child because they believe in them, and that may instill confidence and esteme in someone, just in a different way (than the “Western” way referenced in the article).  Having a parent’s undying confidence that you will succeed is very important.  The children get praised when they do well, and the parents blow when they don’t- but it sounds like they believe in them and support them in their own way, and that is what I think matters.

I know people that are very successful that were raised this way- but now that they are adults they can chose for themselves how wild to be while they have glowing careers in finance or surgery.

I worked for a family that believed in “unschooling.”  It was a horrible thing to witness.  (It may work for some families- this particular situation was a mess-)  The children were not “pushed” to do anything.  Any extreme isn’t good.  I think what matters is a balance, support, guidance, encouragement, being allowed to make your own mistakes and learning from them, and being pushed if that is what that child needs. 

Post # 41
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@mrbee: OMG Mr. Bee!!! Dont do precious Charlie Cole like that!!!  Let him live!!

Post # 42
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Haha don’t worry, I won’t make him take piano lessons.  But I’m definitely going to make education fun and encourage it greatly.  And let’s be honest, he’s 75% Asian so we will probably work him like a dog too!

Post # 43
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would never tell my child they had to be the best at anything. I think putting that much pressure on them could be very unhealthy. I would rather have my child know that I have an expectation that they do their best, and whatever that is, is ok with me. I also want my kids to be balanced, both academically and socially. To also have their own interests and have the freedom to pursue them.

Post # 44
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2000

My guy friend who is Chinese-American just posted this same article on his Facebook, saying he laughed and was grateful for the way he was raised similar to this. He also said the article helped him understand why he was raised the way he was.  (He took piano and violin and is very talented vocally.)

Post # 45
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

 Reading the article was strange because this is my childhood- except for the tv part, we were allowed some parental approved programs. We are also caucasian (strange my parents parenting style is asian inspired)

 I know this parenting style isn’t for everyone, but I like the way I was brought up. I didn’t always love the extra curriculars my mom chose it hurt our relationship for a moment, but overall I have positive memories from my childhood. My mom was hell bent on all her kids achiving second degree black belts- we all did. I hated karate (and several other extracurriculars she chose).

  My parents were also loving, but brutally honest as the article states. “Hey fatty lose some weight..” Yeah, I’ve heard that. 🙂 If my brother brought home a poor report card my dad would write negative things on it like “start digging ditches..” or “dumbass” It sounds extreme, but we all have thick skins and none of us are scarred. My brother is actually in medical school and can have a little too much confidence at times 🙂

  I can see why so people percieve it as negative though. We’ll raise our kids in a similar fashion- I see and am reaping the benefits of what my parents “made” me do.

 

Post # 46
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - MacLean Park

I actually liked the article. I think its pretty extreme, but I think that as a child, I would have responded pretty well to it. I enjoyed things, but of course didn’t have the drive to force myself to practice the piano for hours on end. Needless to say I’m now only passable at piano, and never really excel at anything. I mean, I have a lot of things I’m really good at, but nothing really fantastic. I kind of wish I had just a bit more discipline when I was younger to drill these things into my personality. My parents were ridiculously strict on certain things (no sleepovers, no going out, no real social life outside school hours at all), and lax on others (I quit so many different sports, and even dropped out of physics in high school when I couldn’t grasp it the first week, shocking!) I hope I can find a better balance once I start parenting…

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