Post # 1
We are going to talk to DH’s lawyer soon but I was just wondering if anyone might have any experience or insight on a custody question that we have.
We recently talked to his ex about some amendments to their custody arrangments and everything was pretty much agreed on except for one area.
We wanted her to agree that the custody agreement applies equally to each parents spouse the same as it does the parent. This is a big issue for us because we are both military and when we travel its for longer periods of time not just for a few days. She refuses to agree to this and says that “I can call and take him to lunch or something”. That means that when he is deployed for months I will only see him for a few hours a few times.
The worst part about this situation is that she is too lenient with him and he misbehaves a lot when we haven’t seen him for a while. His behavior is so totally different. When he is with her he is basically the center of all attention and he gets kind of spoiled acting and whines a lot. He’s such a sweet child and the difference in his personality is huge.
So anyone have any experience with something like this? Do we have any legal stance on this issue?
Pic of our little man rocking his wedding suit and Chucks:)
Post # 3
No advice for you, but wish you luck!! He is adorable!! 🙂 I hope you get to see him if your hubby gets deployed. He needs to know he is still cared about even if daddy isn’t there with him. We’re military. I feel ya! 🙂
Post # 4
This is the best advice I can give, hope it helps!
My ex and I have been battling custody for over a year (ugh). Neither of us are married, but I am engaged and the ex lives with his parents. We have set times for visitation. When it is the exs time (2 days a week for 6 hours) reguardless of if he is there or not, he gets his time. What I mean is, that since he lives with his parents, his parents get the time even if the ex isn’t there. So, the exs parents actually are allowed to go and pick my son up at the start of the ex’s visitation time. Also, when it “my” time (i say “my” time because my son lives with us!) i can have anybody have him and do whatever I want. So the other day, i had to work and daycare was closed, but instead of spending time with his dad or his dad’s parents, my son spent the day and time with my fiance’s parents.
I think that if you have a parenting plan set in place that states times, then no matter if your husband is around, you will get that time. It is legally his time to have his son, so no matter who is there, “he” gets his son.
I hope that helps and I hope that everything works out for you.
Post # 5
They originally had it written into their custody agreement that if one parent was not available then they had to give the other parent first dibs on watching him. That is one of the things that she is going to sign to change. We no longer have to ask her before we can let him spend the night with family. We have been waiting to get that signed and back in our hands before we talk to a lawyer about whether or not that means I get to have him when he is deployed.
Thanks for the support Miss Lily!
Post # 6
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
I think you will definitely need to talk to a family lawyer, but my understanding (and I am still a non-lawyer, so this is not legal advice!) is that the parent’s spouse doesn’t have any parental rights if the other parent doesn’t want to give them. That doesn’t mean you can’t change the custody agreement, but it probably means that you can’t change it if the mother doesn’t want to change it.
Post # 7
@spaniel…I was about to say basically the same thing. Spouse’s don’t have any parental rights other than those explicitly spelled out in the custody agreement.
@derbybride…I just went through another round of the whole custody/visitation song and dance with my daughter’s father. I guess I would be on the opposite side of the equation in that my daughter will not be going to visit her father if her father is not in residence and able to be her primary caregiver. I would never sign anything that would make it any different either….I have my reasons.
Also, I may be in the minority here…but I think it’s best if you hammer out all of the custody arrangements at once. Pulling a “bait and switch” by having her sign an agreement that gives you rights that she may not agree with could backfire. She can always get a lawyer and change the agreement in a way that would further limit the childs contact with you and your family. That’s the thing with custody agreements…they can be changed at any time.
Post # 8
I work in the legal field though not in family law. That said, I think there is no way a judge would just because you guys do not agree with his mother’s parenting style. Further, it seems really odd to presume that his behavior is soley to do with his mom and/or lack of discipline alone. Perhaps the transition from households is what is hard on a young child, KWIM? Either way, I really can’t see a judge granting an order like that without there being some very, very serious issues. But, you can ask for whatever you want, of course.
As a mother myself, I would fight tooth and nails against this. She is willing to allow you access to the child via lunches and stuff, so you will be able to remain in his life while your spouse is gone. To me, that is being more than generous considering this is not your child (although I’m sure you really love him very much).