Any happily married/engaged bees who DIDN'T "just know" ???

posted 4 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I was told to be realistic that, “just knowing” and “the one” were fairytales. So I settled for a good relationship that wasn’t quite right, because relationships are hard work and maybe after you’ve been together for awhile this is what it’s like and maybe all that stuff is just in the movies and not in real life. And I know… don’t I?

But 11 years, a failed relationship, a few boyfriends later, I had the when you know you know moment on a second date and here we are. Unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before, absolutely crazy! All the fairytales and movies made sense.

Now is the necessary no, lots of people don’t have that moment. But I am so glad that I stopped settling so I could have that moment and find the relationship that was perfect for me.

Post # 17
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

citycruiser :  in theory, it should be easy with your spouse at the start. It’s the honeymoon period and if you’re fighting excessively in the honeymoon period, that might be an issue later on. However, not everyone has an easy life when they start dating their spouse. There’s bereavement, family illness, illness of one of you, job stresses, family problems and whole host of other things that can mean your relationship at the beginning isn’t easy, because life isn’t easy.

There are also many different ways to having a healthy relationship. One couple may believe that never arguing or bickering is actually really helpful. Whereas someone else may believe having an argument and getting it all out there is actually really healthy. So a generalisation is never going to work and actually I think these generalisations can do more harm. 

For me, I didn’t like my husband the first time we met (he didn’t like me either) – So we didn’t have that initial love at first sight. When we actually got to know each other, I’d never connected so easily (and haven’t since) with anyone else. That alone doesn’t mean it’s easy or that we’re a given to be together. When getting engaged, I had a large amount of anxiety because what is this “just knowing”? You can’t “just know” something. You learn something over time and as time goes on, we can often be wrong about things. So for me it was analysing what I’ve learnt from our relationship and if that provided a solid base for moving forward.

However, I’m firm believer that there isn’t a “one”. I believe there are multiple people we are compatible with and we pick one of those. Which means that nobody is ever 100% compatible but you work out what you’re willing to accept and what you’re not and if your partner fits that.

Post # 18
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Honestly, I think it’s largely confirmation bias. From the minute I met Fiance, I knew there was something special about him. It took us a long time to date, due to a variety of factors, but there was this undeniable bond that began as friends and ended up being more. That being said, it’s easy for me to say that now, because of how things happened to work out. If we hadn’t started dating, or we’d broken up while long distance, I’d be talking about how I was wrong about “just knowing”. 

Plenty of people who just click in the beginning get divorced, and plenty of people who don’t “just know” end up happily married. If you truly love someone, exactly as they are, and are happy to spend the rest of your life together, it seems silly to leave that person in the hopes of chasing a totally subjective emotion/feeling that may not even be in your personality to feel. 

Post # 19
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

There was no crazy lightning bolt moment where I suddenly had the fog lifted from my eyes, but my fiance describes it best: it was the only relationship I had where it went in reverse.  Rather than things starting out AMAZING and then progressively falling apart, we sorted out a lot of the communication/compromise/learning about each other stuff first, and then everything has gotten better and better every day since then.  We have little spats or disagreements sometimes, but they’re few and far between.  I think I “knew” when I came to realize just how much he cares for me and how dedicated he is to our life together.  We want all the same things in regards to the major life stuff (kids, where to live, careers, blah blah), and was clear to me that we were going in the same direction.  He is, of course, his own person; we are very different people.  But we’ve learned that actually makes us even better together, and it helps us to understand the other person’s perspective as we go along.  I certainly was nervous and had doubts, but those doubts weren’t really about him – they were my anxieties saying “are you sure?”  I made sure to stop and consider those doubts and objectively look at whether or not they were based in truth, and they never were.  He has shown me through consistency and action that he is who he says he is.

Post # 20
Member
1416 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

citycruiser :  what you’ve described does not sound very promising. I’ll tell you that I did not instantly know my husband was the one. I knew I liked him and that he was amazing and was worthy of a chance. And I was so messed up in the head with my ex, I honestly just kept dating my current husband because he didn’t give me any reason not to. It was only when I ended things about 3 months in, and he still came to my birthday party and was THE kindest gentleman did I realize that I was being a fool and nearly missed out on something amazing. I didn’t know then that he was the one, and it was just a feeling that grew from that point 3 months in over the next 2-6 months. 

 

But what I will say is : it was ALWAYS easy. Even when in my mind I thought it was impossible those first few months – that was 100% in my crazy little head. Sure, we disagree sometimes, what couple doesn’t? But we always arrive to a solution, and one of the things that probably makes me the most crazy is the simple fact that he often refuses to argue with me simply because he knows it isn’t worth it. He’d rather agree to disagree or just come to a quick solution because he doesn’t want to harm our relationship. Not every great love is instant fireworks, but I’m telling you. It should be easy. 

Post # 21
Member
1050 posts
Bumble bee

I was afraid when I first met my fh! I was divorced and not dating. He was very direct and  open, I was intimidated, afraid of being hurt. But I knew that I would be stupid to shut him out. I consciously had to face my fears. 

Everything is easy and simple with him, I feel  calm, comfortable, safe. I feel madly in love with him for many reasons. But his heart is beyond what I expected. 

I don’t believe in “the one”. But if you find the right combination of compatibilities with faults you can live with… with true love … 

Post # 22
Hostess
3737 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

citycruiser :  I just knew and I knew pretty early on (started dating at 18).  D.H. told me the same thing.  We’ve been together over a decade and though we have our disagreements, I firmly believe that relationships should not be hard.  Things happening to you can be hard (job loss, illness, loss of loved ones, etc.) but just being together and living your life as a couple should not be hard if you’re with the right person.  My friends in great relationships agree, my friends who faced a ton of red flags and got married anyway are always stressing that marriage is “hard work.”  I always tell my friends who use that line that it if things are that hard, they’re not in the right relaionship. 

ETA: I agree with PP that it’s not just a feeling.  It’s being happy to choose your person every day, just as they are.  

Post # 23
Member
7777 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Ok I reread the OP and I feel like you’re kind of asking two separate things. I did not have a lightning bolt moment with my husband where it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks that he was “the one.” Realizing we wanted to marry each other was a gradual process over the first year we were together. But that being said, by the time we got engaged, yes, I was 100% sure he was “the one.” I don’t mean in the soul mate sense (which I’m not sure I believe in) – just that yeah I had total conviction I wanted to marry him and that this was the right move for us. I was calm about it.

Was it/should it be all “easy” with your husband from the start, or did you also butt heads a lot and question if it would even work out?

Again in my case it was very easy from the start, which was SO different from all my previous relationships….but I don’t necessarily know that it has to be. However like I said, I do think it’s a mistake to marry someone on the hope that things will improve. If you’re not entirely happy with your relationship as it is now, don’t get married hoping it will magically improve one day cause that’s unrealistic.

Post # 24
Member
1836 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I did have that moment, and I just knew. It wasn’t immediate or at first sight, but it was within the first few months. Darling Husband and I rarely argue, and we’ve never yelled at one another or had an outright “fight.” But I think that’s largely due to both of us having anti-confrontational and easy going personalities. We also don’t have children and neither of us have been married before, so we don’t have some of those harder issues to navigate. We did do long distance for a year, which I struggled with, but not to the point of wanting to truly end the relationship. 

I don’t know if I believe everyone has that “just knowing moment,” but I do know that excessive fighting, especially in the beginning or honeymoon stage of a relationship is not a good sign. 

Post # 25
Member
9074 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

married for almost 6 years.  we’ve never had a fight.  yes, we’ve had disagreements, but we’ve always talked them out and came to the best decision for all involved.

when he asked me on our first date, i said yes because i had nothing better going on.  i wasn’t even interested in a 2nd date.  but i decided to take my mom’s advice and give a 2nd chance.  date number 2 was a lot of fun, he was a great person to be around, but i wasn’t attracted to him.  then dates 3, 4, 5, etc happened.  around the 6 month mark, my friends knew i liked him before i admitted it to myself.

so i didn’t just know.  happily married, almost 6 years, 2 children.

 

however, i did have that feeling with my house.  i had been house hunting for a few months and didn’t think i would find the one.  when i walked in, i knew.  it needed some cosmetic work and i gutted the kitchen and master bathroom (not something you can do with a future husband). but i definitely had the this is the one feeling for my house. though now i’m ready for new house.

Post # 26
Member
1683 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

While I didn’t have a “just know” moment, it kinda grew on me that this was the person I wanted to be with. I could see he would be a good husband and a good father. The more we dated the more it dawned on me that this was it. 

I will say that how I knew that was because this was the first relationship I had that there wasn’t any petty little arguments or communication issues. I was behaving differently. I didn’t want to start fights, so I just expressed what was on my mind instead of letting it keep bottling up. If something bothered me, I let him know and he did the same for me. There aren’t any petty fights because we either talk about them before they build up, or its something that I realize isn’t a big deal so I shake it off. The little nit-picky things don’t get to us because we don’t let them. That’s how I knew this was the one for me. I was a better person in a relationship with him. I am making myself a better woman, girlfriend, etc. because I want to be the person that he deserves. And he’s doing the same thing. 

Post # 27
Member
2305 posts
Buzzing bee

It wasn’t this magical moment where I saw stars and rainbows and just knew, but things were different with my fiance when I met him.  It was easy.  I never had to question anything as it just worked.  We respect each other and have adult conversations about things instead of raising voices or being passive aggressive.  We support each other and really want the other person to succeed.  

I also had recently (within a couple years) been divorced and that relationship was the complete opposite.  Constant arguing/bickering over stupid shit, definitely emotionally abusive, having to worry about cheating, competitiveness, etc. It was constantly hard work and I just thought that was how all relationships were.  

It was hard at first to adjust to a relationship that just came so naturally since I had been fighting for almost 8 years for a shitty relationship.  Some people mistake fighting and the highs and lows that come along with that as “passion,” but I know in my case, it was toxic and unhealthy.  But I thought that is how all relationships were.  People have always told me that fighting happens in relationships and they are really hard work.  My current relationship is work, but there is nothing hard about it.  

 

Post # 28
Member
1123 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

citycruiser :  I agonized over the decision to marry my husband, I definitely had cold feet a few weeks before the wedding and even thought about calling it off. However, marrying him was the best decision I’ve ever made, but also the scariest one in my life. It’s normal to worry about whether or not you’ll be compatible for ever, and whether the reasons for your disagreements are dealbreakers (your own dealbreakers are entirely your call too, by the way, and perfectly valid). It’s very important to sort through those feelings and figure out where they are coming from. However these types of thoughts absolutely DO NOT mean your relationship is in jeopardy. It means you are critically thinking about him which is a good thing. 

Relationships take work, it’s true. But it’s up to you to decide whether the types of emotional work you have to do in this relationship is worth it for you in the long run. Do you love him despite the hard work, despite the differences? Do you leave arguments reaching a conclusion that works for both of you, or you do leave them feeling unheard and lonely, isolated from each other? Do you still want to come home to him after having an argument? Please ask yourself these questions internally and you’ll know whether this relationship will stand the tests that will invariably be presented to you throughout life’s up and downs. 

Post # 29
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I “Just knew” with my first husband, and we were married 14 months after we met.  While there probably weren’t any major red flags to see, I didn’t know how funtamentally uncompatible we were because we didn’t know each other very well yet.  We divorced.

 

I “just knew” with my second husband, too.  He was charming and sweet and amazing, and things came so easily to us.  We were passionate and loving and needed each other.  AND…I overlooked MAJOR red flags.  He died after 5 months of marriage, but had he lived I don’t think we’d still be married.

 

I DID NOT KNOW with my new husband.  I fretted and second guessed because I doubted my ability to make a good choice.  He and I did not communicate well at first, but we both meant well and cared about each other, and had a solid friendship.  What fixed/helped us was learning about our Myers Briggs personality types, learning about our love languages, going to couples/premarital counseling, and always always always trying and listening.  We now have a pretty easy time, most of the time.  I’m more emotions based and he’s more detatched, and we’ve had to work to understand where the other is coming from, but we’re doing a pretty good job. 

 

I recommend that, if you love each other and want to make it work, you find some new tools to communicate.  Counseling could help with that.  So could learning about your personalities and love languages.  Good luck!

Post # 30
Member
2359 posts
Buzzing bee

I did not “just know” with my husband. If anything I had more of a “just know” feeling with an ex — which blinded me to many glaring red flags that ultimately lead that relationship to go up in flames. Those feelings are caused by hormones, which may or may not be leading you to a good longterm partner. 

That said, it has been very easy from the beginning with my husband. I instantly felt comfortable with him. We have never fought a lot and usually over very minor things. We’ve always shared goals and compatible lifestyles, and he’s always ticked my important boxes — kind, hardworking, smart affectionate, honest and trustworthy. I think I picked a good one.

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