Any happily married/engaged bees who DIDN'T "just know" ???

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
23 posts
Newbee

There isn’t a right answer to this. It’s hard to just know especially if it’s your first relationship without any shitty past relationships to compare to.

You say he’s a good guy but you fight often. The question is, are you ok with putting up with this consistent amount of fighting? Some people live off that and it doesn’t affect their relationship quality much. But if you have doubts about it, if the fights are about core values or lifestyle choices, if you argue about the same thing over and over and you’re getting frustrated as your message isn’t carried across, you really need to re-evaluate your relationship. Not every good guy is husband material/ is suitable for marriage. 

Personally, it was little things that we click (like how we liked doing the same thing the same way, how we agreed on most things) that added up to this aha moment where I just completely accepted that he’s the guy I want to marry, and any flaws are not going to be big enough to turn me off potential marriage. It was just about six months into our relationship (we are together 4 years now) but since I had dated five times prior to this (2 long term ones), it was very easy to spot the differences with the previous guys. A few of them are good guys definitely, but our communications were off, we had different values/lifestyles and I could never see myself marrying them. 

Post # 32
Member
764 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

citycruiser :  I look at this in two ways.

The logical side of me knows my FH and I work great together and it is easily the best relationship I’ve been in (and far far different from previous relationships which felt like immature relationships).

However, when we argue, the emotional side of me thinks all sorts of things that I wouldn’t think about when I’m not in my emotional state such as “maybe he doesn’t love me, maybe he’s just settling for me” or “maybe I don’t love him and am just settling for him”. Whereas in my normal state, I think “we’re both so great for each other and we are fortunate to have each other”.

As a PP mentioned, I guess thoughts like these are just part of the territory with over thinkers/worriers and I’m definitely one of those. I didn’t have an emotional feeling of “I just know” but I definitely think it logically.

Another important thing to note is how your family and friends react to your SO. None of them were too enthusiastic about any of my exes but everyone likes my current SO and tell me without me asking them. It’s easier for someone outside the relationship to assess your relationship more objectively so maybe reflect on how people around you react to the both of you, especially family.

 

Yes, we did butt heads in the beginning but we do it less and less over time and we also resolve it better over time. I read relationship books and articles online and come up with suggestions for us to argue in a more civil way and he agrees and we try to implement it. We still tend to forget and go a little crazy in the heat of the moment but it’s usually because we’re in a bad mood from something else. I do believe not all relationships are easy and some might take some work but not like a crazy amount of work. Every individual is different so differences might arise but the key is in how they resolve those differences and how willing they are to put in time and effort to resolve it. 

Post # 33
Member
576 posts
Busy bee

I agree with what some of the others say, it depends as much on you as it does on the relationship. If you typically “just know” about other things, but are very hesistant about this, that might be a bit of a yellow flag. However, if you often go back and forth about large decisions then I think it’s fair to assume it’s the same pattern asserting itself. 
I was a “just know”-er, but I typically make decisions that way, less going back and forth and more just deciding based on my instinct. I felt within 3 weeks of meeting SO that he was the love of my life but wasn’t sure we’d get married until a couple of years in, due to originally having career goals that were different geographically.

Post # 34
Member
658 posts
Busy bee

I “knew,” in that I chose my FH from the start, because he is an honorable man, shares core values with me, and is my best friend. 

I also knew it would be work, because I knew I can be difficult. 

I don’t think it’s about the “right person” per se; I think it’s about our relationship with ourselves, and how much healing and evolving we need to do. 

Committed relationships bring out our issues – because we can project our crap onto our partner. Unexamined damage or wounds are going to show up, and if we don’t take a step back and heal our relationship with ourselves, we’ll just shove all of it onto our partner. And sometimes we are looking to a partner to give a lot of the love and validation that we actually can and should be giving ourselves…

So it’s not “right person,” sometimes, it’s that two people need to fit in the “car” that is a relationship, along with all of both of their baggage, if they’re going to be able to make the long trip together, you know?

so yeah. I chose. And then I had some work to do. It was a lot of work, the first few years. There is far more ease now, as the trust has grown for both of us. 

Trust is a huge one that helps things go more smoothly – 

Post # 35
Member
1014 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

ahsoka :  I also knew it would be work, because I knew I can be difficult. 

Word.

I think that’s how I knew he was right for me too – I know how difficult I can be. I know the weight of my own expectations. And he wants to be with me anyway. 

Post # 36
Member
821 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I asked my husband this question, if he “just knew” and he said he’s not sure if he didn’t “just know” or if he wasn’t willing to recognize that he “knew” because we weren’t at a phase of life where he wanted to find a wife, I just kind of waltzed in and happened. But what he did know, was that everything with me was easy so that even though he was anti relationship at the time, I made it seem so easy he kind of let it happen until he was in so deep and next thing he knew he had realized he wanted to marry me.

 

i agree with a PP who said it depends on your general personality. I know what I want instantly, I am not wishy washy ever and I knew he was the one immediately. He on the other hand thinks and considers and needs time for the idea of change to settle in his mind, but once he decides NOTHING can change his mind. And that very much reflects how we came to decide to get married… buy a house, buy furniture, buy cars and probably how it’ll be when we have kids too. I’m ready now… he needs 2-3 years to let married life settle and consider the life change of children.

if you are generally decisive and this is waffling for you, I’d be concerned. If you aren’t generally a gut/emotional person, then I’d just consider: is your life good now? Will you be happy living your life EXAXCTLY as it is now? With him exactly as he is now? Because reality is, he won’t change much. And most of your life routine won’t change much. Money will come and go, you might add children to the picture, but the core of your life will be as it is.

Post # 37
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I knew things were different when, in the middle of an argument, I didn’t tell myself that I didn’t need to put up with this, but instead realized that there was no place I’d rather be, than right there, in the middle of an argument, with my beloved. 

Post # 38
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I did not “just know” with my fiancé. In fact, for the first year or so of our relationship, I was worried I was wasting my time. He is 5 years younger and we met when I was 28 and he was 23. At that point I had been dating for a while and knew I wanted marriage and children sooner rather than later. Needless to say, at 23 he wasn’t quite there yet.

What set him apart and kept us together was our chemical connection, strong friendship, and trust. Being with him felt easy and right and we just kept doing it. Where in other relationships I had regular disagreements and misunderstandings with my partners, usually over mundane things, with my fiancé we just clicked. Eventually our timelines caught up and four years later, we are about to be married and on the same page about when to have kids. Of course there are things we see differently and things we have to compromise on, but we have a lot of love and commitment for each other and are happy to put in the effort where it is needed. It’s helpful that we have similar values and can usually come to mutually agreeable solutions to our problems.

 

Post # 39
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I did not just know, but it was easy. Our disagreements were more miscommunications than out and out disagreements, so it always felt like solving them got us somewhere. 

Post # 40
Member
1503 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I didn’t “just know” because I don’t believe in The One or soulmates.   Instead I’m convinced that people can be happy with any number of people. Sure the happiness can be different in nature and degree. 

I was engaged to someone else before my husband. We broke up a couple of years before I met my husband, so the two relationships are completely separate parts of my life.  If we hadn’t broken up though, I do believe that I would have been happy with my ex-fiancé, since I would have never met my husband and wouldn’t be able to compare the life I have now to the life I would have had with my ex-fiancé. In other words, I wouldn’t have known any better, so I would not have been unhappy.  

I think the conflict-resolution style of two people in the relationship is the most important element of success, or lack thereof, for the relationship. I can honestly say my husband and I have never fought, if you define fighting as yelling or ad hominem attacks. We have disagreements, but we have never raised our voices at each other. One of my husband’s best qualities is his uncanny ability, even when emotions are running high, to pause himself and say, “I do see your point. Your point is ______.”  Only then would he follow up with “here’s how I see things, because XYZ.” This makes his disagreement a lot easier pill to swallow.

Also both of us are easygoing, so we also go into a disagreement knowing that, if one of us cared enough about an issue to raise a disagreement, then that means we care about the issue a lot. Since that doesn’t happen super often, the other person is more likely to be open to listening to the different viewpoint.  

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