(Closed) Any late-30\'s Waiting Bees with SO More Than 5 Years?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Love is worth the wait
    He's gun-shy but your patience will be rewarded : (11 votes)
    22 %
    It's been fun and you helped him through a tough patch but he's just not that into you : (39 votes)
    78 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    35 posts
    Newbee

    alamana:  I am curious if you guys had kids already or if you wanted more? 13 years after meeting at 32 – how did you ever stick around? 

    Post # 32
    Member
    35 posts
    Newbee

    heartburn:  I’m so sorry that must have been a painful conversation. As long as there was no anger and the conversation was very calm and honest, I think you have your answer. Especially if he does not want to combine households. I know my SO and I have spoken about the future together and he says things like “we” and “our house” or this has a good school district and says ” we are already a family ” etc – he just isn’t ready for a proposal but I think he will be. The times we have had fights where I wanted to know for sure he has said there are no guarantees in life, and you just want a contract or something – etc, or he doesnt know if I am the one – I do believe it came out of angry frustration becasue when he is calm he does say things about us and our future together. We also live together I’m 30 and he is 36. But if he is calm and just doesnt want to marry you after all this time I would make the hard decision and tell him that you will date other people since you do want to live a life with someone. What you guys were doing walking on train tracks – the lines were the same and going in the same direction but never really merged to one line. This is really sad but as you can tell by some comments it does happen. The good news is that you already have children and probably don’t want more. You can focus on someone that wants to do life with you in the future and merge these lines. Best of luck to you bee. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    1724 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    heartburn:  We started dating in 1996, as 19 year olds, and just got married this May.  It took him 18 years to finally propose, and then 2 more years for us to decide how to get married and then save up for the destination elopment.  Up to about 10 years in, I was fine not being married – we were in no shape finaicially to even consider it.  It was only when the “wedding storm of 2010” hit that I realized I was the last “single but attached” woman in our group of friends who had never been married.  I’ve never been super gung ho about kids coming from an abusive home, and we’ve always felt we’d be willing to adopt if we want to become parents and I am not at a safe age for pregnancy.

    I spent a lot of time on these boards, trying to come to a decision about staying or going, and honestly, I was shocked about how cavalier some women are about advising others to “leave him!” I felt many were simply willing to trade a rock for someone they said they loved.  I dcided I loved him, and would stay marriage or no, and made my peace with it.  One day, a few years later, durign a rough time with his work, we got to talking about some deep heavy topics, and it came out he’d been ring shopping on and off for about 2 years, but since we were limited in funds, and only had one car, and live in a rural community, he had a hard time making sure it was a surprise.  I broke down crying, surprised he’d even considered proposing, and was finally able to express how much the feeling of not being good enough to be his wife hurt me asn how I never wanted to tell him, and HE broke down crying that he’d hurt me and said “of course I want you to be my wife, it’s just taking longer than I meant to.” 

    A few months after that, I was surprised by a simply proposal in the local park, and this May 28th, we eloped at an all-inclusive in Jamaica, and we are both happy 🙂  

    Only you can choose to stay or go – a lot of people have an easy time stating that your SO doesn’t care and that’s the only reason he’s not done it.  I know that life often interferes, and if you are older, there’s a lot more life to interfere.  H wanted to have a steady job and graduate school before thinking of getting married.  Men have ducks to get in a row and life accomplishments to consider, too, and his worries, feelings and concerns can’t just be ignored because a woman wants a wedding.  If he fails you in other ways, consistently, and you can’t dealw ith that, then it may not be a good r/s.  But if you work well as a couple in most other things, that’s the big thing to consider.

    Post # 34
    Member
    252 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: City, State

     

    heartburn:  I’m so, so sorry, bee. This must be such a difficult time for you. I totally agree with lorelaigrace, though, you ARE someone to plan forever with. He’s just not the lucky one to have that privilege.

    You did the right thing. You deserve honesty, and you deserve the chance to find your happiness.

    Please take care of yourself over the next while, and surround yourself with supportive people who will reaffirm your worth. Because you are worth it.

    Post # 35
    Member
    1883 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Isilme:  OP’s latest update indicates he’s been hesitant to talk marriage and future because he’s not sure she’s the person for him. 

    Post # 36
    Member
    1883 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    OP, I’m so sorry. This is heartbreaking. But you are worth so, so much more than just “settling for what you can get”! You sound like an intelligent, caring woman, and just because this guy doesn’t seem to see it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve way better than what he’s able to give at this time. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    1837 posts
    Buzzing bee

    wedtobe123:  Nope, we didn’t have kids already. He is older than I am, by 12 years, and knew he didn’t want any. I was on the fence. Ultimately I decided I wanted a life with him more than I wanted kids. I guess to answer the “how did you ever stick around?” question — it was easy. I just did. We were and are really happy together. We have a good time, enjoy the life we have. We’ve lived together for the past six years or so, the last three of them in a home we bought. I don’t know, I guess we are just really well matched. He’d been married before and it hadn’t worked out so he didn’t necessarily know if he wanted to marry again, but I never doubted (nor did he) that we’d grow old together and be happy. So, I don’t know — I guess I didn’t consider it “sticking around,” so much as we just lived our life together. Very happily. I didn’t feel like I was missing anything. And then late in the game he decided “Hell, I didn’t want to marry again because of what happened with my prior marriage, but this woman is perfect for me and we’ve been happy for forever … I guess I’d like to marry her.” Which sounded good to me. So now I have a big ring and I’m figuring out elopement stuff. 

    In sum, I just really never consdidered it “sticking around.” That would imply that there is some reason to leave, and lack of a marriage proposal definitely wasn’t reason to leave. At least not for me. I think that’s what is key. I just never got wrapped up in the marriage/proposal thing becasue I was more than happy with the status quo. My relationship is happier than most, or at least it seems that way from my perspective anyway. We have an amazing life that we’ve built together. Better than most married couples I know. So why would I have gotten irritated with how things were just because we weren’t married? I like to look at what I do have, and be happy and grateful, rather than focus on some imaginary life/thing/whatever that I don’t have. But I admit the no children thing did make it a lot easier for me — if I’d wanted kids perhaps things would be different. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    1724 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    nightborn:  yes, I got that about 10-12 years in.  Its the normal reaction to “why haven’t you made a move towards mariage/combining households?”

    She’s made her case, what he needs to see are any issues that arise from not being married.  I know in a way, learning the legal ramifications of not being married is part of what drove thigns home to H.  Between 2007 and 2012, he learned that my asshold father was still in our state (common law is a myth) my legal next of kin.  Meaning if soemthing ahppened to me, my fatehr could override a “domestic partner”.  Things like that, whcih made him have to sit on the side drove it home a bit, and made him realize he had to make a choice.

    If the OP’s SO is happy with “status quo” then there are ways to adjust status quo to be less comfortable without ending the r/s.  

    Post # 39
    Member
    863 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2017 - historical mansion

    heartburn:  Do you want to have any more children, and if so, does it matter to you whether or not you are married? I am 35 and do not have any children, but I want to. My Fiance also wants to have children and said that he wants us to be married first, so that is why we got engaged after only being together for 10 months. If you are not planning to have more children, I would advise you to focus on the day-to-day aspects of your relationship and whether or not you feel like he’s a good partner. If so, try to focus on the fact that he’s a good boyfriend/partner. I certainly sympathize, and I’m sure this is extremely frustrating for you, but a lot of men need time to heal after going through a bad divorce.

    Post # 40
    Member
    5864 posts
    Bee Keeper

    OP don’t let this man destroy your self-esteem. Just because he won’t commit to you doesn’t mean you aren’t ‘worthy’ of a commitment. I know it’s easy to say ‘leave him’ on a message board, but from everything you’ve said, this man sounds soul-destroying to be with- you’re already struggling in counselling and he wants you to wait until December, not for commitment or a proposal, but for a conversation. This is selfish to the point of heartlessness- he sees you hurting, struggling, while he waffles in even letting you know whether or not he wants you, and he wants to leave you in this heartsick limbo until December just to talk about it. Honey, please pick up your shattered self esteem and walk away so you can re-build your life and your self-esteem (perhaps counselling on your own).

    He may have attractive qualities, he may be hard working or charming or any number of things, but in my opinion this utter one-sided heartlessness of the way he’s stringing you along negates these qualities. It’s one thing to be waiting for a guy who says ‘when we get married’ (even then you’ve waited plenty long enough!), but this guy is five years in and still saying ‘if’. You truly don’t deserve the cruelty of that. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    776 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2016 - Magnolia House

    heartburn:  Oh honey I am so sorry. You are worth so much more than that. Don’t let this hurt you. You are a strong woman who has been through a lot. At least you know for sure now and its up to you where to go from here. 

    Post # 42
    Hostess
    4024 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    Oh Bee! I literally just dropped my phone when I read you had talked with him and he said that! I am so so sorry! Part of me thinks he is an awful douche bag and part of me is thankful he was honest and now at least you can move on and find what you want. My heart hurts for you. 

    Post # 43
    Member
    3306 posts
    Sugar bee

    Isilme:  I remember you when I was on the boards the first time. Congratulations. I am very happy for you both!

    Post # 45
    Member
    824 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2017 - Sea Cider

    heartburn:  I’m sorry, bee. 🙁 Do you know what YOU want to do now?

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