(Closed) Any Liberal Feminist Brides Out There?

posted 11 years ago in Secular
Post # 168
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

What a great thread!

I’m not a fan of Lisa Lampinelli, but she had a routine about marrying for the first time in her fifties that I could totally relate to:  how people would ask her the strangest, most context-removed questions when they heard she was a new bride–such as when they were going to start a family.

The whole idea of me being a wife is rather alien to me. I spent most of my adulthood assuming it would never happen because marriage seemed like an exercise of heterosexual privilege, but gay marriage is now legal in my state. It’s exciting to be part of how the whole “wife” concept will morph as a result. We don’t want kids, we both work.  I’m still an apathetic cook.

We’re marrying on a boat and the ceremony will be brief. My father may “give me away”–he had a heart attack and subsequent bypass last month, and gets very emotional when he talks about how he was afraid of missing my wedding, so I may add that for him, to fulfill that dream of his.  My Fiance has some strong feminist opinions about the wedding–no veil, no best man, no boutiniere, no tux.  What traditional-elements I do want, such as a dress, we’ve had to discuss as he assumed one preference meant I wanted the whole enchilada of minister, veil, garter toss, etc.. The event will definitely be stamped by aspects of both of us.

We’ve heard almost nothing from his family, other than occassional flippant remarks from his brothers about how we should just go on a big honeymoon and one complaining he didn’t have anything to wear (we don’t care how much folks dress up).

I don’t know what I’m going to do about my name.  FI doesn’t want to change his at all.  Part of me wants to change my name solely to underscore how permanent, important, and serious a marriage is–top priority, and laden with the responsibility to consider another person’s happiness along with my own–but I don’t really need a name change to understand that. I vascillate one side or another on the question every day.

Post # 169
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@October2010Bride:  “The wedding will be awesome, but the “best day of my life”?  Please.” I laughed right out loud at that one!! SO true for me as well. As an ultraliberal feminist who is marrying a male liberal feminist, both of us with graduate degrees and years and years of living life, I find some of the threads here and on weddingwire so petty, pitiful, and laughable. And sad. I think this thread is my new home. 🙂

Post # 170
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@moneypenny02:  Not a lawyer, but a forensic psychologist. Close enough? 🙂

Post # 171
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I dunno… am I a liberal feminist bee? In some ways yes… but it depends on your definition.

But yes, I hate it when people say “it’s the best day of your life”. Really? So it’s downhill all the way from there then? I should just top myself at midnight because it doesn’t get any better than this?

And I’m supposed to be a princess? Since when?

And who says I should be given away etc etc… so bizarre…

Post # 172
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Yes!! This thread is awesome!

I am guilty of some of the traditional things that aren’t very feminist of me but I am doing them because I want to, not because it is expected of me. (Dad is walking me down the aisle, wearing a veil but probably not over my face, LOVE sparkly pretty things)

The name change thing is tough for me because although my SO is totally suppotive of my feminist nature.

Side Note: He has already agreed to be a stay-at-home dad when we have kids b/c I don’t want to be a stay-at-home mom (I would get bored really easily even with children running around) and he wants to have the kids raised at home until they go to school (kinda sweet). 

I digress…back to the name change so he is a feminist but he likes the tradition of me taking his name. I don’t love it because I like being me with my full name and there are already two other women with my first name in his family so three of us will have the same EXACT name! Not okay with me…I like to stand out 🙂

I’ll probably compromise and be me in the professional world and me +hislastname in our personal life. lol

Post # 173
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@BrewCityBRIDE2014:  My FI’s sister is also an Amy (and also kept her name when marrying). I had never even considered changing my name to begin with, but that just reinforced my decisision!

Post # 174
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m so happy that I found these posts. I was starting to think that I was the only bride out their that was planning a nontraditional wedding. A little rundown of what we are doing:

Nontraditional ruby and pearl engagement ring (we talked about getting engaged first so no real surprises there)

Secular ceremony (not in a church) with our whole wedding party participating

I’m keeping my last name

No asking for permission, real veil, or Dad giving me away officially (both my parents are going to walk with me down the aisle though)

That’s the big stuff and so far I have been so happy with my parents’ reaction. They have been supportive and kind and totally on board with whatever my fiance and I want. That being said, I am really concerned with my fiance’s family’s reaction. I know that they are having trouble with all of this and I want to make them feel more comfortable. They have been really great to me and made an effort to include me in their family form the beginning. I would love some advice on helping them understand that we still love them and want them to feel included in the wedding even if it is not traditional the way they would want. I don’t want to offend them or upset them, but I don’t know how to do that without sacrificing what is important to my fiance and I. Thanks in advance for the help!

Post # 175
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I love this post!  I’ve felt very out of touch with this whole wedding process at times.  My fiance and I picked out my ring together, and we’re picking out the wedding bands together too.  Secular ceremony (he’s atheist, I’m pagan, so we’re just leaving deities out of it).  I want a veil because it’s pretty, but not over my face.   

I’ve had to fight my mother over every penny being spent on the wedding.  My dad, fiance and I are on the same page – we’d all rather have the money that was set aside go towards a down payment on a house.  I’m not being a cheapskate here, but I don’t need to spend several thousand dollars on flowers.  Spending the money where it’s needed and worth it is fine.  Over the top, no.  I’m not the princess type to have tiaras and poufy things and all that.

There are some things that we’ve given in to tradition though – Dad’s walking me down the aisle.  There will be no ‘giving away’ though.  I don’t know how it’ll be worded yet, but there has to be better language out there somewhere that does not imply that I am property.  And he talked to them before ring shopping with me.  It wasn’t asking permission, it was more of a statement of intent.  He’s a Texan originally, and he’s respectful.  I can appreciate that.

I feel so much better, and I don’t feel like I’m a crazy freak for not running around going ‘This is supposed to be the best day of my life!  Bow down to me and let me be a Bridezilla!’

Post # 176
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@irishcolleen143:  Anyone who chooses to deal with vomiting, blood, severed limbs and strung-out people in an ER for their daily job can have the whole traditional enchilada, as far as I’m concerned.  Thank you for the reminder that the wedding day is just that, one day–and not the day on which our entire character will be judged for all prosperity.

One thing I’ve found is that the type of bride I thought I’d be before I was engaged, and the type of bride I was afraid I’d become, are not what I’ve become.  Some aspects of the wedding I’m pretty shocked with myself over–especially the cost–but other parts I’m very very comfortable with and am glad to be doing now instead of five-ten-twenty years ago.

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