Post # 1
My husband and I are happily married and expecting boy/girl twins in about a month. We are talking about names, specifically last names, and we just can’t agree.
I really, truly, honestly can’t bring myself to give them anything but my last name. I feel like after such a whirlwind pregnancy (they were a surprise and I only found out I was even pregnant at 14 weeks!) and everything the three of us have been through, I think it is so much more appropriate for them to have my last name. I can’t imagine carrying them all this time, feeling them, delivering them, and then putting someone else’s name on them. It makes my chest hurt to think of it.
Although it’s not his fault, I feel like my husband can’t possibly know them like I do. For example, he suggested a particular name for the boy, and I said, “I don’t think so, he is way too rambunctious for such a dignified name.” He asked me to explain and I told him that the boy is much more active than the girl and he is the one that tends to give me a hard time (he is baby A, closer to my pelvis). My husband replied how interesting that was, that he figured they would be the same. I nearly fell off my chair. They are so very different and how could he not know?! Oh yeah, because he is not growing them in his body. I am. I know. They should get my name.
My husband is upset at the idea of them not having his name and about being the only one in the house to have a different last name (he shrugs off the notion of changing his to mine). He says he wants his name to be carried on but so do I!
A hyphenated name would not work because his last name is a common food (think “Potato”) and it would sound like a joke.
Has anyone been in this situation? Will one of us change our minds? Is there a compromise here? Help!
Post # 2
I understand this feeling. Luckily for me, my husband takes no issue with our children taking my name.
However, I think it is worth seeing this from your husband’s perspective. He can’t feel them growing and moving inside you. He can’t connect with them the way you can. And now there is the risk that he won’t share a name with them. Perhaps there is fear over being able to connect with them at all. You feel so connected with you babies, and, if you share this with him he could be feeling incredibly insecure about not being able to share those experiences.
Would you ever consider giving them different last names? Say your little boy takes your name, and your little girl takes his name?
Post # 3
I have a friend who did this. But in that case the issue was her family has a much more prominent social standing and she felt very strong ties to her name with no one left to carry the name on in her family. He did not feel similar similarly about his name.
Another friend decided they would combine their two names to form a brand new last name. Not a hyphenated name, but one name that combined elements of both their last names.
Post # 4
The way you talk about your husband rubs me the wrong way. They are his babies too. You make it sound like he had nothing to do with these twins.
Post # 5
I agree with kristin36890 and think it’s unfair to him to frame it this way.
Post # 6
Yup, my kids have my last name. It was actually my husband’s idea. Neither of us had a huge attachment to our last names, but I didn’t change mine when we were married because I’m not Mrs. (Husband’s name), I’m still the person I’ve always been. He agrees with this and noted that no matter which of our names the kids take, there would be one person in the family not sharing a name with everyone else. He decided that since I would be the one pregnant and giving birth, they might as well get my name. He doesn’t agree with the notion that the wife and kids automatically get the husband’s name.
Maybe your husband is worried about what people will think if the kids get your name. In that case, honestly, most people will just assume they have his name and it’ll rarely come up. And if it does, just say matter of factly that you’ve chosen to do it a differnt way! Confidence in doing things your own way is much more “manly” (if that’s what’s at stake) than sticking to the status quo out of fear of judgement. Just my two cents! 🙂
Post # 7
Is a hyphenated name completely out of the question? Or could you form the names and make a completely new one? Could they have one of your last names as their middle names? I wouldn’t give each kid a different last name because that would be way too confusing.
I took my partner’s last name when I got married solely due to the fact that I wanted to have the same last name as my children. Darling Husband always said they could have my last name, but I feared that would bother him and I didn’t want to have a different last name than my children. My children’s middle names will be related to my family, with one of them being my maiden name (its the kind of name that works). I am currently pregnant and completely get the connection side of things, but you have to be fair with your Darling Husband.
Post # 8
If his name doesn’t sound like a joke when he uses it, why would it sound like a joke if your kids use it? I would hyphenate in whatever way sounds best. They are his kids too and it sounds like you don’t want to share them at all. If you were divorced, I would totally get your feelings, but this is your husband. Don’t you want him to feel a connection to his kids?
Post # 9
I am sad for the way you seem to be describing your husband’s role in the lives of your babies. I understand that you feel very, very close to them, but it almost feels like you are excluding and denying him the ability to participate. Or something I cannot quite explain? The tone is unwelcoming. Maybe you just are trying to build up your reasoning within your own head and need to think that way and it is unintentional.
I do not share my last name with my husband. We do not yet have children, but when we do, they will be taking my name. My family name holds social prominence in our community, as PP indicated their friend did, and he knows that it will be for the ultimate benefit of our children to share that name. It makes him sad, and I’ve worked for some time now building him up to that reality so that he will not be caught off guard when we get pregnant. I think he would have taken it very hard if I told him at 14 weeks into our pregnancy or so.
I really suggest working with him on ways for him to feel bonded to his children, rather than this exclusionary tone of all-knowing motherhood. If you find other ways to make him feel included, he may come around to this idea.
Post # 10
- Wedding: March 2017 - California
Of course your husband doesn’t “know them like you do” right now — but that doesn’t mean he never will. You might feel like a Pregnant Earth Goddess of Fertility or something at the moment, but the fact that the twins will have only known your womb until they’re born doesn’t mean you and you alone will have an innate, incomparable, other worldly bond to them that your husband could never know or understand.
My dh has proved to be a far more loving, doting, attentive parent than I am to our 11-month-old. I may have carried LO for 9 months, and yes, I will never forget those kicks and how amazing it felt to have him all to myself in there, but as the days go by, that time becomes a smaller and smaller fraction of his existence and it’s the relationships and memories he’s forming that become far more important.
Post # 11
I agree with you. I feel that all children should have their mothers’ name. It just makes so much more sense.
But yes, I also agree that you may be being a bit harsh on your husband. Hopefully he will have a strong bond with the children once they are born because of course it’s impossible for him to do so to the degree that you can during this stage.
Post # 12
We gave our son a hyphenated last name. My husband was very adamant about it. I double barrelled my last name after we got married, so essentially our son has the same last name as I do.
Post # 13
He doesn’t know what they’re like yet because evidently you have not shared your experiences with him. Part of building the bond he will form with them is helping him to share your experiences and bond with them NOW. I find it kind of sad that he is being excluded in this way. While of course I carried my babies and gave birth to them, it was their daddy who could always calm them more easily. He is so much bigger and we always figured they just felt so solid when he held them that they calmed down almost immediately. And after a while on the “outside”? He should know them as well as you do, or sometimes even better regarding some things, and that’s the way it should be.
You’re speaking like you OWN these children – like he has nothing to do with anything. I would imagine he feels very excluded at this point, and the naming issue will only continue to make him feel like an outsider. I am all in favor of children having their mum’s last name, but there has to be some sort of compromise if the parents don’t agree.
Post # 14
This!! God almighty this post irks me. I don’t even remember being pregnant and my son is three. Pregnancy is the teeniest of blips in a child’s life and to demean the value of their father in it is gross. This is a terrible reason to refuse his last name. TheGridMonster :
Post # 15
I hope you can find a compromise that allows you both to feel connected to the kids, Bee.
Combine both of your names to create a new name for the kids
Give the boy his Dad’s last name and the girl your last name, or the other way around
Give both kids your husband’s last name and your last name as a middle name, or the other way around
Give them your husband’s last name but you get a bigger say in choosing their first and middle names (or vice versa, with them having your last name but your husband gets the bigger say in their first and middle names)