Any married ladies give their babies their own last name?

posted 7 months ago in Babies
Post # 16
501 posts
Busy bee

My husband and I are flipping a coin for our first and switching off after that. My friend gave her daughters her name and her sons her husbands.

Post # 17
6097 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Eh- With all the dick swinging that men do about women needing to take their stupid names, I’m glad to see a woman being all aggro about giving her babies her name. Is that approach helpful to your relationship? Very likely not, but I still like it. (I also delight in being a problem so take my support with a grain of salt).

What about giving one baby your last name and one baby his? What about coming up with a whole new last name as a family? What about giving the babies a hyphenated name with one parent’s middle name and the other one’s last name? What about giving each baby a different last name and all of you having your own personal names? What about giving each baby your husband’s last name as a middle name? It sounds like you both need to have a bit more creativity in your approach to this naming thing. There’s no one way to do it and whatever you choose will be what your kids consider normal until they’re older and around other kids.

The fact that your husband just wholesale dismisses the idea of taking on your name makes me especially appreciate your militant stance, though. But keep in mind, you don’t know every thing about these children just because they’re currently hanging out in your body. These are whole entire beings unto themselves and you’re going to be getting to know them after they are born, just as your husband will. You are, however, fortunate enough to be the gateway that brings them into the world, and I celebrate you putting a firm foot down and claiming the power of that.

Are you familiar with this Khalil Gibran piece?

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, 
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, 
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, 
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, 
and He bends you with His might 
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, 
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Post # 18
1572 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry bee but way you wrote that post sounds like your husband already feels alienated from his own babies. Don’t completely disregard his feelings on the matter. Can you create a new surname with elements of both, or use one surname as middle names?

Post # 19
128 posts
Blushing bee

TwilightRarity :  I couldnt agree more. Also, I love that poem.

OP – I totally put my foot down about my daughter’s last name. I was super anti-hyphenating, and I refused to give her my partner’s name on principle (because it’s a stupid, archaic, sexist tradition, and I hate it). My partner is a wonderful, amazing, secure man, and he told me it made him sad to think about not sharing a name with our daughter, but he understood and accepted my position. But then I decided I felt really bad about taking the ability to share a name with his child away from him, so I relented on the hyphenating. We’re getting married in a few months, and we’re all going to be hyphenated after that. And trust me when I say our hyphenated name is terrible. It’s five syllabus and the names kind of sound alike in a really unpleasing way. It’s super clunky and awkward, but that doesn’t matter to me anymore. It makes me happy that we’ll all share a name and that no one had to give up a part of who they are to get there. Also, my name is last, so I did get to stick it to the patriarchy a little bit at least.

Post # 20
241 posts
Helper bee

I kept my name when I got married. All three of my kids have my last name as their middle name. It ended up being a compromise that worked for me. I might have pushed for a hyphen – but we were making these decisions 19 years ago! Good luck. 

Post # 21
1505 posts
Bumble bee

Yikes. There’s more than just a naming issue here, clearly. May want to do some deeper thinking about your feelings towards your husband bc this is not healthy for anyone involved. 

Post # 22
1228 posts
Bumble bee

Our twins have both our last names. I kept my surname after marriage, he kept his. 

While I don’t agree that children should automatically have the father’s name as a matter of course, it’s still a joint decision, and your post sounds like you are alienating your husband. It’s not his fault that he can’t experience carrying them, but he is still their dad and is (hopefully and presumably) going to be all in loving and caring from them from babyhood to adulthood, so you need to come to a decision together rather than base it on your feelings about the pregnancy alone. 

Post # 23
5405 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I don’t think children should automatically be given the father’s last name but your reasons really don’t sit right with me.  You seem to be ignoring anything this man will bring to the lives of these children and putting yourself on a pedestal jsut because you are a woman. 

I feel like my husband can’t possibly know them like I do. 

You are setting yourself up for a very difficult family dynamic with this attitude. 

Oh yeah, because he is not growing them in his body. I am. I know. They should get my name.

Honestly, I want to roll my eyes at this so much. Pregnancy really isn’t that long, you won’t know your children any more than your husband over the course of their childhood and lives just because you were pregnant with them. 

A hyphenated name would not work because his last name is a common food (think “Potato”) and it would sound like a joke.

I don’t understand how a hyphanated name would sound any more like a joke than his actual last name.  There is a compromise, you are just unwilling to do it. 

Post # 24
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

TheGridMonster :  I just want to say I think you put this amazingly and nicer than I would have.


Post # 24
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

Edit: double post


  • This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by  DappledDuchess. Reason: Double post
Post # 26
640 posts
Busy bee

ArcadiaRose :  I read once that the reason babies get the fathers last name was to avoid paternity issues down the line. “This is your child, you put your name on it and everything.” Mothers don’t deny being billogically related to their children. 

Sorry OP no real input, just wanted to mention the thing I read. 

Post # 27
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

TwilightRarity :  Though I disagree with some of your points, I have to say that is an awesome poem.  Thank you for sharing it!

Post # 28
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

The children should have your name, but maybe cool it on the fertility goddess bit. Don’t alienate your husband on this. If he feels more included and connected to the kids now, he might feel less insecure about not sharing their name.

Post # 29
1700 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

My friend’s maiden name was Brady. Her son’s middle name was Brady. 

I don’t know. I think it’s selfish for women to elevate themselves to a place where they can say “it makes more sense for our children to have MY last name and not yours” – just because you are the one that’s pregnant you get to call all the shots? And the thought of your kids having your husband’s last name makes you feel sick? 

Honestly. There are kids starving in Africa here.

Post # 30
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Beware of taking too much ownership, for lack of a better word, over your babies.  You are going to need 100% of your husband’s help with TWO newborns (and two toddlers, etc) and if he feels alienated from them, he may not be able to contribute as well.

What about giving them each one of your last names?  Compromise is the key to marriage.

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