Any married ladies give their babies their own last name?

posted 5 months ago in Babies
Post # 31
Member
9245 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I feel bad for your husband honestly. You sound a little…over the top.

Your husband is going to have a 50% say in your children’s lives once they’re born, so you’re probably going to have to learn to compromise on a lot of things.

The whole “putting someone else’s name on them” is just icky to me. That’s your husband. You wouldn’t have those babies if it wasn’t for him. You sound like you view your partner as just a sperm donor or something.

 

Post # 32
Member
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper

kgr9 :  I took my husband’s last name so it wasn’t an issue, but I understand the feeling of knowing their name based on their personality in the womb. I didn’t know the sex and about 3 weeks before she was born I told my husband “obviously we need to meet this baby, but I feel really strongly that this kid is Sally”. He thought it was kind of silly but let me have it and then as soon as she was born he said “It’s a girl! Yea that’s definitely Sally!” When you know, you know. But he didn’t get to “know” as early as I did.

Your twins are 50% your husband and they quite literally couldn’t exist without him. If you had a sperm donor instead they’d be different babies. I think you need to come to a compromise. If you don’t want to hyphenate then why not give your name to one kid and his to the other? There is no rule that your children have to have the same last name as each other. 

Post # 33
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee

Why not give the boy your husbands last name and girl your last name or vice versa? I think that would be kinda cool. 

Post # 34
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

A woman insisting her kids have her last name is as controlling and uncompromising as a man insisting his kids have his name. If you wouldn’t cheer on the guy for being firm that the kids should have his name you shouldn’t be applauding this wonan.

I feel really bad for the dad – which is what he is, their dad. OP is pushing him completely out of the picture and it sounds like she doesn’t have any respect or really love for the man who helped make her kids.

I’d give the kids his name for paternity and genealogy purposes, but I’m pragmatic. I wouldn’t want kids to have different last names as there could be confusion at schools, doctors etc. 

For the record, I’m hyphenating my own name and our kids will have his.

Post # 35
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

HoneysHoney :  How do you explain to your twins why they have different last names?

“Ohhh your father and I couldn’t agree on your last names.”

You don’t think there will be partiality on the parents’ parts from that? “This is MY kid and this is YOUR kid.” If they are already so selfish that they can’t agree on last names for their TWINS, they’re going to play favorites. And just imagine what school will be like for these two. 

“Lol that’s your sister? Different last name, bro…”

Like PP’s I think this post just reeks of selfishness. No one should be so attached to their last name that they want to wreak havoc on their children and marriage just for the sake of getting a spot in the child’s name. 

Post # 36
Member
9245 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

megm1099 :  Even the shittiest parents I know would never be like “oh that’s YOUR kid” because their name is different. That’s…extreme.

There are tons of blended families nowdays, a different last name between siblings is no big deal IMO.

Post # 37
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Westwood :  Maybe. But OP did state that the father APPARENTLY doesn’t know the child well enough to get a say in the child’s name.

Everything about this post just makes me itch. You can be a blended family and still be selfless. Give your children the same last name, no matter what you choose. Make the mom’s name a middle name. Something. Anything. But for goodness’ sakes, don’t give these poor kids different last names.

Post # 38
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

Yhey are only unborns, how is he supposed to even “know” the babies as much as the mom? It’s physically and mentally impossible.

Besides, OP I’m really confused. It sounds like you don’t like your husband or care about his feelings. He has some valid feelings here! It’s not like they’re your own children and not your husband’s just because you carry them. In my opinion, a family needs to have unity, if a simple thing as giving last name aggravates so many negative feelings, both of you need to learn how to compromise and agree. 

Post # 39
Member
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper

megm1099 :  it’s very common for there to be multiple last names in a family so I don’t think it’s as big of a deal as you are making it out to be. In fact it could end up being a blessing! Growing up there were two (unrelated) families in town with my mom’s last name. Her older brothers were total hellions and if a teacher assumed she was part of the other Smith family my mom just didn’t correct them lol. She didn’t want people assuming she was as awful as they were just because they were related! 

Post # 40
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

LilliV :  But USUALLY with blended families there is a reason behind different names that isn’t “haha we couldn’t agree” – usually another marriage or something. 

I think simply not agreeing on a last name is a really selfish reason for making your TWINS (**twins** ie, people who will grow up together, go to school together, bond FOREVER together) have different last names. Because you are so attached to your last name that you scrap out all other options? Seriously? I feel like I’m the only person here who is totally shook by the idea (although I know I’m not lol)

A name has so much purpose behind it, but the biggest is identity. How will these twins share an identity together if they have different last names? They won’t care when they get older (cuz women get married and change their names all the time obvs) but as children? Children rely heavily on their names for identification – and family unity. 

Post # 41
Member
2041 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

A woman insisting her kids have her last name is as controlling and uncompromising as a man insisting his kids have his name. If you wouldn’t cheer on the guy for being firm that the kids should have his name you shouldn’t be applauding this wonan.”

No, it’s not the same. You are missing the whole history of misogyny and the built-in power imbalance between men and women. Women insisting that their children have their last names can be a powerful and refreshing counterbalance to a sexist culture. A man insisting on it is just advancing the same old, oppressive patriarchy. It’s simplistic to apply the same rules to both without considering context.

Post # 42
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

megm1099 :  I get you. I’ve got a different last name than my family – sister, mom and dad – and as a kid it often sucked to not be recognized as/feel like a part of my own family. I love my name and wouldn’t change it, and it wasn’t totally scarring or anything, but it would have been nice. I think hyphenating seems like a good option here. As  a PP said, your husband’s name isn’t taken as a joke in his day to day, so why should it be an issue for your kids? 

Post # 43
Member
5 posts
Newbee

TwilightRarity :  Love the poem and completely agree.

I don’t see why the children cannot have her name or different last names from both the parents that is combination of their names. If there are kids in the future for me , this is exactly what we will do. Three sets of last names.Last names don’t make a family . People do, relationships do. Also, know of someone who gave her children completely different last names from either parent.

Giving the kids a her surname/name does not cut off the dad from their lives!!!!

 

Post # 44
Member
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper

megm1099 :  and I get the family unity argument (I took my husband’s name and we gave it to our daughter), but I think in the OP’s case it’s kind of nice that they are trying to be intentional with all parts of the kids’ names. I didn’t give it a second thought when I dropped my maiden name – sure it was my name, but only because my parents gave it to me by default because my grandparents had passed it to my dad. My parents didn’t choose it for me. Which is precisely why I dropped it rather than replacing my middle name with my maiden – they chose my middle name for ME and that’s more a part of my identity. Obviously I’ll support my daughter whatever she chooses when she’s older, but I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be sad if she dropped her middle name some day. I gave her that name and I love it – our last name is just an identifier that’s been handed down. 

Post # 45
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

LilliV :  Well of course. It’s one thing to give thought and meaning into a child’s name. But OP’s intention doesn’t feel meaningful to me. I think it’s because she is cutting her husband out of many decisions that he absolutely deserves to have a part in. 

I have many middle names. My first name is the name of a child my mom taught when she was a teacher. It’s really different (it’s not Megan as my username might implicate lol) – she saw the name and said “wow crap I want a daughter with that name” and as soon as she had her first daughter (me) she gave me that name. One of my middle names is the name of my dad’s sister that was killed by a drunk driver when she was 17 and my dad was 15 (my other middle names are various Roman Catholic saints that my parents are very devoted to, so that has meaning but not in a sense many people grasp but that’s okay lol)

Names can have meaning. That’s fine. But my opinion is that I think meaning is more important for first names and middle names. Last names are more of a legal and unifying factor of a name (hyphenating would absolutely be fine – honestly, I just want it to be clear that giving twins different last names is not the best way for this to end). 

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